Help, advice needed for family member who has just escaped abuse

[dinnerplate]

Hi, I am going to make this as anonymous as possible and will probably ask for this to be deleted later due to its sensitive nature but I wonder if anyone can help.

A male family member (Mr X) has very recently escaped an abusive relationship with his wife. I don't want to go in to details but they lived with his wife's parents and basically he has been forced to cut himself off from the rest of his family, been financially abused and emotionally abused in other ways.

He has a DC with his wife and they said that if he left he'd never see her again.

Aside from obviously getting himself a good solicitor, what else can Mr X do to protect himself etc.

I personally have a lot of concerns for their DC living with such abusive people - should we be contacting social services? There may well not be abuse directed towards the DC at the moment, but if they've abused once then I'm sure they might again.

I'm not much help, but i just wanted to congratulate him on finding the strength to escape.

If you are genuinely concerned for the child then i would say contact social services, but i don't know how that will effect Mr X, but obviously childs safety is paramount.

Sorry im a bit useless.

Just because his wife was financially abusive to him doesn't mean that she will abuse their children. My own x was verbally, mentally, financially and finally, physically abusive to me but although he was very hands OFF in his parenting style he wouldn't abuse the children. unless ignoring them counts.

Mu1berries yes I accept that, I suppose I was wondering if it's worthwhile for social services to know that the adults with whom that DC is resident with are capable of acts of abuse IYSWIM?

Ignoring does count though Mu1, in my opinion any way.

However, as Mu1 says, just because they abuse the adult, doesn't mean they abuse the child.

If this is your brother and you've been listening to his pain and distress over the last few years then you will know him and know what he's been living through.

I'd advise you against getting involved with a male friend who you see occasionally. My own x called social services on me and tried to use it against me that I'd been on anti depressants. It's known to be quite text book bully boy behaviour to accuse the x of being unhinged. So either way, tread carefully. If you are genuinely concerned about the children then maybe you could approach their hv and leave your brother out of it?

THat post reads like "I don't believe you". It's not that honestly. I just know from reading so many DA sites that exes claiming the mother of their children is mentally ill and /or abusive and calling social services to report her, that is so common that it could backfire on your brother.

puds, my x is better with older children than he was with toddlers and babies. he tried to strangle me, he knocked down doors to get at me and continue shouting at me and beating me but I let the children go with him whenever he chooses to show up. Partly because i knwo it's me he despises, and partly because i know i could never win, or afford, the legal battle it would take to keep him out of their lives. there are some battles you can't win and it's not worth it. you have to separate things.

Yes mu1 that's why I want to tread carefully, I have absolutely no doubts that he has been abused, but I recognise that he is in a more vulnerable position in terms of getting a 'just' outcome in terms of seeing his DC etc. as he is male and it is a more unusual situation.

Mine was the same Mu1, but my DD loves him, and he loves her. It is definitely the one thing i would stand up to him over though, regardless of my own safety. I don't think it would ever come to that though. I also think he just despised me, but i guess i will see when he gets a new gf if he treats her the same. I hope to god he doesn't, but i know it will break my heart if i know its just me that gets such a reaction.

dinnerplate, I'd say that his route to seeing the children is going to be typical. He will need to get access agreements formalised. Dont' try to be reasonable when dealing with a person with a massive sense of entitlement. They won't acknowledge this or react accordingly. They'll just take advantage, so I would advise him to start off high iyswim, request 50:50 residence.

Thanks Mu1 :)

My advice would be to communicate by text, e-mail or in writing rather than verbally. Then he has a trail of them saying this or that. Also get him to look at some of the DV/EA threads on here, it certainly doesn't happen to women only.

Also he should read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. Still the definitive book on abusive relationships. Good on him for getting out.

thanks Queenof

Just met up with him, (first time I've been allowed to see him in 3 years) such such horrendous stories and lots of complicated issues - his father in law has been forcing him to pay money (all his salary) to him whilst also claiming benefits so they have been committing benefit fraud as well. He was too scared to leave because they told him that if he left they'd make sure he would never see his DC ever again :(

omg. that's terrible financial abuse. If I were him I'd go down to the social welfare dept and fess up so that they don't have that hanging over him.

It sounds like up 'til now it's been three against one. Him against a united force of his wife and her parents. Well now that he's left her, your relative has support too. I hope that they will now see him flanked (emotionally and practically) by his own family. I know my x and his family bullied me and shouted me down and always sided with each other, but now that my family can support me too, things have been more equal at least..

If he is going to see a solicitor about a divorce and contact with his DC, tell him to make sure he gets the abuse logged. The law has changed in what is considered domestic violence now (confusingly it is now all reffered to as violence even though it now includes emotional, financial, sexual and psychological) so what your relative has suffered is something that the courts should take into account.

It is important that he logs it with someone official now, in the immediate aftermath of the split because it is relevant to any future proceedings, but it will make things more difficult for him if he only reveals it once proceedings have started. He runs the risk of being viewed as making it up in a malicious attempt to befuddle the reasons for his leaving or make the other side look bad. If he gets it logged now, before legal action starts it will stand him in good stead when he needs to call on it.

Thank you hoping - who should he log it with? The police?

I'd suggest he talks to the police. I'm glad he's out, so :( that's he's gone through it.

The police if he feels up to it, although sadly you may have to prepare him for not being taken seriously or having to fight to be heard. It is sometimes hard enough for women to be heard when reporting domestic violence, even harder for men as it breaks too many social conventions. Given the quite recent change in law to include the non physical aspects of abuse that your relative has suffered, he might encounter a police officer who isn't as genned up on the new law as one might hope who will tell him it isn't something they deal with.

I am not at all trying to put him or you off. I would just feel terrible if he was buoyed up by us saying "Go to the police", then felt shattered if he was unfortunate enough to meet someone who didn't take him as seriously as they should. Of course I by no means mean the entire police force would react like that. The vast, vast majority are sympathetic, clued up and often go above and beyond for too little pay and too much personal risk, but police officers are people and the same as any profession there will be people in it who do the job title a disservice. The odds are overwhelmingly in his favour that he will be listened to and taken seriously, although from a legal standpoint, since he has removed himself from the abuse there is little the police can do bar logging that a report has been made.

Your relative may want to decide whether he wants to go to a solicitor first, before the police to find out exactly what would be relevant to a report and which terms if any it would be helpful to know, or if he wants to see the solicitor afterwards and give them the reference number of the police report and log it with them separately. Either way, he needs to see a solicitor about divorce and contact with his DC as historically, abusive partners are also controlling and those cases tend to not go smoothly and rationally so he will need legal help. If he is entitled to legal aid he will also need to do that quickly as any cases started after April of next year will no longer be entitled to any legal aid for family law.