My soon to be ex husband hasn't had overnight access with our four small children since I kicked him out last Christmas. He wants it, and is making my life very difficult because he doesn't have it, and I am frankly feeling a little stuck. I would love some alternative thoughts on this situation.
You may want to get a cuppa for this..... I'll hit you with the background first. Its a long, involved story, will try to keep it to the issue at hand!!!!
My Ex
My ex was once a brilliant husband an amazing dad. We relocated, as expats, to a party town and things changed. To give you an idea, the guy who drove home from the hospital at 20 miles an hour with our precious new babies now refuses to even have car seats for them in his car. (He didn't have them as a kid so why should they, apparently I am just being hysterical requesting that he use car seats??).
When I kicked him out he had been having a mid life crisis (I think) for around 18 months. Going out at night, not telling me he would be out, not answering my calls, not coming home sometimes 'till after the kids were at school. In 14 months there were 41 nights were I sent text messages (on the nights I woke up finding him missing) asking him where the hell he was. I kicked him out several times and several times he returned crying about his use of drugs (he told me he took coke even to walk our dog). Often he would go back to bed during the day on weekends for a little sleep. He would go through weeks where he partied all the time and follow it up with weeks of staying at home. He was often grumpy and short tempered (yelled at the kids that he "fucking hated them") and for a year I yelled at him about his going out and my being left as a single mum. He wrote off our car just before Christmas in a single car accident, at 10 am in the morning which he didn't report for 48 hours (wonder why???). He then sent me emails around Christmas that he was going to go to a sort of rehab centre (he didn't).
He tells me he is totally clean now and the last 18 months of our marriage were just a blip. Apparently I am making a storm in a tea cup.
The Other Woman
Turned out he'd been 'partying' with another woman. He said he was going away to sort himself out at Christmas but actually ran off with her. I think the affair had been going on for some time. He moved in with her in April. She
=>is 35, single no kids
=> takes coke and smokes pot (at least she did), evidently she was one of his 'party' crowd
=>she she apparently got pregnant within two weeks of them running off together and had an abortion to please him 14 weeks later?? (he wrote in an affidavit that she sacrificed everything for his family and that the abortion has bonded them for ever thus she is a permanent fixture in his life).
=>has worked as a stripper,
=>has been arrested for drink driving (criminal record in the states) and
=>had her home repossessed (in the states).
=>While we were still married she was sleeping in my bed (showing a lot of concern for my children) whilst my children and I were away.
The drama with drug testing....
He did a test earlier in the year - 3 months after my lawyer first requested it (it takes three months to be clean for a test), didn't show me the result for a month after he did the test, then within three days of showing me the test result he had his girlfriend move in. Child psychologist then said no to overnights because too soon for the kids to have overnights with daddy plus other woman.
Then I heard on the grapevine he was back to partying again so I demanded fresh tests. He was furious saying that he had already passed a test and again he refused to do any tests, four months in he is now he is saying he will test again. HOWEVER he refuses that his girlfriend undertake tests despite previously signing an agreement that any new partner should be subjected to tests if the child psychologist required it (she did).
He swears blind that he is clean. That he doesn't even drink. Sadly I don't trust too much of what he tells me these days.
He is now arguing that he should have overnight access even if she doesn't do testing. His argument is that she shouldn't be dragged in to our divorce.
So, he wants overnights, these are my fears....
Risk of fall. My ex now lives in a four story house with balconies with railings like little ladders (i.e. would not pass UK regulations - I'm currently living as an expat so sadly I can't rely on UK building code). I have four young kids (all under seven), two have been diagnosed with ADHD. The two with ADHD like to climb, ANYTHING, and these balcony railings are great to climb. One and a half floors below the terrace off the living room is a concrete driveway. All windows at the front of the house have sliding doors with juliet balconies with the same railings. I have asked him to fit the inside of the balcony railings with perspex (so little feet can't climb the railing itself) but he has refused (saying "you can't tell me what to do"). He says they will just keep the balcony doors locked.
In addition to the balcony my ex now has five dogs in his house. One of these dogs was our family pet and we had to get medical attention for bites to one DC's face on three separate occasions (within 6 months). The two DC with ADHD don't understand that dogs are not teddy bears. Our old dog was nervous and responded to 'too much love' with a sharp bite. As their faces were pressed up against the dog, their face was the closest thing to bite. One of these bites caught my son above and below his eye (could have easily been his eyeball). I tried to rehouse the dog but my ex refused, saying he could train her. Kids with ADHD are slow to learn lessons so are unlikely not to 'love' the dog as they do.
My great fear is the kids go to his house, someone gets high in the evening and forgets to lock the doors to the balcony. Then they have a lie in in the morning whilst my kids get up at the crack of dawn. Thus the DC have the potential for unsupervised exposure to a potentially lethal balcony plus five dogs (one of whom is a proven biter).
I have suggested that my ex come to my house, where there are no serious risks, and I go stay with a friend. But he refuses (as I don't want his girlfriend in my home).
I think dad's are really important to kids (my parents were divorced also). I want the kids to spend time with their dad but right now I feel like I am the only grown up in the room.
AIBU ABOUT TESTING FOR HER? Can anyone see a way around this issue? Any out of the box ideas appreciated.