IS OH looking at pics of other women fine ALL the time??

[Capitaltrixie]

This might well seem a bit silly but I'd be grateful for thoughts..

Last weekend the children (1 & 3) spent the first whole weekend at the gp's which was a much needed break for us; we haven't been getting on well for a few months (various issues) and we both said this weekend lets work on getting us 'back on track' and try and do a bit of rekindling of the love.

OK so, lovely romantic weekend together, all going rather dandy (did miss the LOs like crazy but enjoying time together). Anyway, Sunday afternoon, we watched a film then OH kept telling me to go up & have a bath, so eventually I did tootle upstairs.
Came downstairs later after bath and OH was just nipping out, so I logged on to shared laptop & found that OH had been googling pictures of the actress in the film we'd just watched together naked and in underwear, basically wank potential pics.

So my beef isn't that OH googles other women, I've never had much of a problem with this as I do understand the animal instinct thing re: porn/pictures etc. However, it was the context in that, we'd had a much needed very intimate and fun weekend and had felt very close again after a really quite horrible rough patch. I understand him getting turned on after watching a film with a gorgeous actress in it but why not suggest a cuddle?! I don't know..maybe I'm just turning into a jealous psycho loon...

On another note, is it normal to wander round the house talking to yourself even when the children aren't there...?!!!?!

Yuk, he sounds inadequate and pathetic. Looking at pornographic images and probably having a wank during your romantic weekend. No wonder things have been crap for ages.

I am afraid you can't make him change but you can change how you deal with him. Either you put up with him or tell him you will not accept his behaviour anymore...it means being prepared to end the marriage though.

tell us more about the rough patch - what happened?

And him moaning at you about housework?

Oh God this is me

Are you really my DH and you are just doing a plot twist thing?

If my H was wanking to porn during our 'back on track' weekend I would be devastated.

What did he say when you asked WHY he was looking at the pictures?

Oops I mis read. Didn't see it was porn photos. Sorry.

You were in the bath, when he was on the net.

So what's the problem.

He can't cuddle you when you in the bath, I am confused.

You only know what he was googling because you spied.

Sorry I know you are feeling sensitive, but get a grip.

Instantly googling any faintly pretty woman on TV naked seems to be a universal male affliction. Look what comes up first on google.

If he is loving and attentive as soon as you appear don't fuss.

Startail "instantly googling any faintly pretty woman on TV naked seems to be a universal male affliction".

It's really not. You have a pretty low opinion of men if that's what you think.

Startail sounds like the H was encouraging OP to go upstairs and have a bath so he could have a wank/look at pics. They'd watched a film together, were trying to reconnect as a couple and he got rid of her so he could look up naked pictures of actresses. That is pretty shit.

HotChoc and ThereGoes - the rough patch was down to possibly work stress (him) change of jobs and short amount of time on lower income (me), therefore when not earning as much, I think he expects the house to be sparkling as he sees that as my job as it were. It might be me, but I do struggle to maintain this when entertaining a 3 yr old, 1 yr old and having a part-time demanding job (he is naturally much tidier than me though to be fair and it doesn't bother me as much!).

Probably other reasons come into it; his weight/self-esteem, me not being as much fun as when we first got together (though I have to say I have had oodles of fun with just me and the kids for the last day and a bit without him here!).

You are lovely CleanSlate for other reasons. As to the 'why' he just said 'because I am a hobbit its only pictures, everyone does it, I'm a man blah de blah de blah blah, stop over-reacting..'

Quite surprised at Startails opinion as I would have thought being offended/upset by this is in a way tied into respecting yourself. However, everyone thinks differently and hey ho, I posted on here to open up a debate selfishly stop myself going barmy army (I'm ignoring the 'get a grip' commento btw!).

I think I deserve Tom Hardy after all this Mistletoe??!

You said that when asked for his reasons, he said:

its only pictures, everyone does it, I'm a man blah de blah de blah blah, stop over-reacting..

Which is precisely why he expects the house to be sparkling and the children cared for, without his involvement.

Because he's a man who thinks his needs matter more than yours.

It would have been much more surprising if you'd said he was a porn user who believed in equality, pulling his weight at home and in your relationship.

All of this is inextricably linked. I hope you see it.

I suppose so Charbon...you definitely have a point. There's such a dichotomy though as he is so great and hands on with the kids (but not the housework!) so I sometimes have breaks and lie-ins (though this hasn't happened for a while must admit).

I do see it. Previously I've found it difficult to sift through everything.

There is a selfish/'poor me' side of him which is in contrast to a loving, kind and understanding side. A bit of a Jekyll and Hyde .

Yes, the selfishness does not surprise me.

I would definitely challenge his thinking and behaviour.