How much house work should he do?

[MissBrown]

Hi. I'm new to this so be nice. I am interested in the views of others about the amount of house work I should expect my husband to do. He works full time and leaves the house at approx 5.30 am to travel 80 miles to work. He arrives home about 4.30-5pm. I work minimum 2 days a week, sometimes more. I have a fairly short working day but the nature of my job involves me to work at home as well. We have 3 children, 12, 11 and 7. 2 dogs and horses as well. He believes that he should not have to do anything at all and that includes dog walking, washing, even seems to think I should pick up his clothes of the floor. I do EVERYTHING! I would be more understanding if I didn't work at all. Also due to our money situation I want to take on some agency work which will involve a lot more hours out of the house. I dread doing this because I know I will be expected to carry on doing everything! Any ideas to 'persuede' him to do more?

I can see why you don't want to do everything, but your DH is doing a 160 mile drive to work every day which must be tiring.

Start by asking your DH to take the dogs out, so you get some time when he's not in the house to hoover etc.

Also, ask your 12 and 11 year old to do more - they can load the dishwasher, iron their own clothes etc.

I agree that your DH needs to do more, but so do the rest of your family.

Right.

Imagine you were both single parents to 3 children, had a house and 2 dogs and horses.

How would you each manage that?

Would you be able to work the same hours and earn the same amount of money?

Or would you have to cut down your hours and earn much less?

If you were able to earn as much money and work as many hours and decided to get a housekeeper and a nanny to look after the children, would you expect those employees to tidy up your shit?

Your husband is taking the piss because he's a man and you're a woman and that's the bottom line.

Thanks for your reply. I agree, the kids could definitely do more so will work on that one as soon as we are back this evening after school run. He is very grouchy if things aren't done either so would like him to do just a little. He is extremely tired after work so I do understand that the last thing he wants to do is housework but even if he could help a little on the days I work as I always have to work in the evening, often till 10.30 or later. I could get done a little earlier if he was to help me! There are many more issues in our marriage and family life that add to the difficulties, including oldest child with ADHD, Dyspraxia and mild ASD but I am starting with this! Any one in a similar position?

My "standard" answer whenver this question comes up, is that both partners should have an equal amount of 'downtime' - whether they choose to relax or even sleep in that time, or to do a hobby or some kind.
That said, I think leaving at 5.30 every morning must really take it out of a person. I leave for work at 7am sometimes and think I'm being a bit of a martyr doing that! Equally the long drive each way, every day, must be exhausting.
Clearly, no-one should be expected to pick up things off the floor that another person has left there though, - on that issue, if it's not in the basket it wouldn't get washed in our house.
You don't say what the children do ? In our house, everyone who lives here has to contribute what they can. None of us are waited upon.
Re the horses and dogs, I think that depends on whose animals they are - whoever chose to acquire them in the first place needs to take responsibility for them, that would come under "hobby time" IMO.

My DH does his fair share when he's here. I cook - he does the dishes, if the bin needs emptying and he's around then he does it.

The only reason I do most of the housework is because I have a system for things like the washing so if he helps out I loose track of where I am. I have 3dc's so if it all gets a bit much then tell him and ask him to help out a bit more.

So he's doing 60 hours a week. Whatever you're doing, top it up to 60 hours worth as well. Then whatever's left to do, split that in two.

Pool and split the money too.

That way you're putting in equal hours for equal reward.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to do most of the housework but I do think it's shit for him to complain and to expect you to tidy up after him. There is a difference between running a household and being a servant. So at the very least he should tidy away his own breakfast things, make sure he leaves the bathroom tidy (ie no towels on the floor, no soap all over the shower, no poo in the pan), put all his washing in the basket, empty the bins when they need it and keep his own clothes tidy. On days when you're both off work it should be totally 50/50. It shouldn't be the case that he lolls around being waited on hand and foot while you never get a single day where you're able to rest properly.

The 12 and 11 year old should be tidying up after meals, sorting out their own laundry, keeping their rooms tidy and helping to do other tasks like hoovering when you need them to. 7 year old should be doing some of that but on a smaller scale.

If he is respectful of you, you shouldn't really have to persuade him at all - you should just be able to say "I need help with this please" and he should be happy to talk about it and work something out. Would he do that?

My dp works long hours and drives hundreds of miles a day. He does 99% of the dog walking, cooks brunch at the weekend, does the shopping, helps with the youngest in the evening, loads the dishwasher after dinner and if I ask him to do anything he will. He doesn't moan if something hasn't been done, if theres a pan in the sink etc he'll wash it and I don't pick up his clothes for him. I'm a SAHM, we have 4 kids age 2 -10, a dog and 3 cats.

If he was single he'd have to do all of his own housework, washing etc so he shouldn't expect to do nothing just because he has you. Nothing pisses me off more than blokes thinking that thier wives are thier skivvies, it's supposed to be a partnership. Children are both of your responsibilities when you are not working as is the house at weekends/days off.

Is there room in the family budget to employ a cleaner? Your H should, obviously, be doing more housework, as should DC, but given the hours he works, and the opportunity for you to work more hours, having someone in to take some of the work off all your hands might be a good idea.

However, if your H objects to the idea on the grounds that you should be doing it, then that would be a clear indication that he considers women to be men's servants.

Well firstly, who do the horses belong to? I'd class keeping horses as a hobby so any looking after them 'belongs' to the person that wanted them in the first place, and are nothing to do with each putting in 'equal hours'. They shouldn't come into the equation.

Who wanted the dogs? I think your two oldest children are old enough to be responsible for feeding, grooming and walking the dogs.

IMO, if he's putting in a nearly 12 hour day, full time, and you're working fairly short days, 2 days a week, then you should probably do the majority of the housework. Having said that, as a minimum I'd expect him to be picking up after himself, loading/emptying the dishwasher if he sees it needs doing, putting bins out, doing his own ironing, and cooking one night of the 2 days that you work.

" He believes that he should not have to do anything at all and that includes dog walking, washing, even seems to think I should pick up his clothes of the floor."

The last one is just taking the piss. Everyone in the family should try to keep the place as tidy as possible by using a bit of commonsense such as placing laundry in baskets, things back in cupboards, dirty crockery in dishwashers and so forth. It's not a big job to load up a washing machine... my 12yo does it regularly. Houses need a lot less cleaning if everyone does their bit, children as well as adults. Also recommend a professional cleaner once a week or treat the place to a 'deep clean' every so often.

Driving 160 miles a day for work is daft, frankly. Move closer or get a job a bit nearer home? But the attitude is the most worrying thing in all this. If he truly believes that women were placed on the earth to serve men like lionesses busting a gut to feed some lazy male lion.... you have a bigger problem on your hands than a bit of hoovering.

Badinage - ''Your husband is taking the piss because he's a man and you're a woman and that's the bottom line.''

Ha ha, I love your sense of humour, this WAS a joke, right?

Imho, he should takes the dogs for a walk, good aerobic exercise, de-stressing, will help ones mental and physical fitness.

The sentence that stood out for me is the bit where he gets grouchy if things aren't done.

With his working hours I wouldn't expect him to be doing much during the week, but equally I would expect him to respect that you are working as well and things will be done as and when they can, or by both of you at the weekend.

Leaving his clothes on the floor is disrespectful and he should be putting those in the washing machine - from now on I would just leave them where you find them and tough luck if he runs out of clothes.

If you are taking on more work I'd definitely look at getting a cleaner.

Agree with backtogood about the horses and dogs, DS has now said he would like a dog and I am completely anti as we both work but DH is keen, but I just know which muggins will end up doing the extra hoovering, cleaning and washing out of dog bowls.

"Your husband is taking the piss because he's a man and you're a woman and that's the bottom line."

He has basically told you that he sees you as his servant.

Expecting you to tidy up clothes he has dropped on the floor instead of putting in the basket is about status, not about housework.

Dogs and horses are a family choice - who ever decided they were a good idea looks after them.

That said, any one working F/T with a P/T partner should reasonably expect the majoprity of the house hold chores to be done.

However that does not preclude acting like an adult, finding the laundry basket, putting caps on tooth paste, and other such common courtesys.

FWIW - oh Im such a 1950's HW, but when I took a career break to be home, I did 99% - that was our choice, I ran a house and family to enable DH to earn to capacity. However, as an aside to that, he did all child care/clubs/footy at weekends.

Now I'm back at work we are probably on a 40/60 split - I do every thing weekdays simply because I am home at 4pm, he is home at 7pm. Weekends we fairly split stuff, Dh usually cooks, I iron.

When I do nights, rare, maybe 4 times a year, I prep meals, he cooks and serves.

I really do not subscribe to the thought process of 50/50 when one is working their bollocks off to provide for a family.

I absolutely agree that I should do most of the housework but would like some credit for what I do, in the same way I give him credit for what he does. He is a good man and he does work very hard but so do I. The difference is that I only get paid for 2 days of that work (teaching) as opposed to his 5 days. As to the animals, I don't expect him to take care of them as they are mine. He has only seen our daughter's pony twice!

I think the key word is majority- I am happy to do the majority but would like help with some things! Even taking out the bins or recycling would be great!
I have now started putting all his dirty clothes into a basket on his side of the bed, if he wants them washing, he needs to transport them to the washing basket himself- a bit childish I know, but hopefully he will get the message!