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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pressure and sex

23 replies

dextersgirl · 07/04/2006 21:14

Sorry last one, I promise!

Basically I have a very low sex drive, have done ever since my youngest son was born 5 years ago...I put it down to tiredness, low confidence and at the moment.. being generally pissed off with partner. I just cant get in the mood for it plus Im terrified of falling pregnant.

Anyway my parter was 'okish' with it at first although he started counting the days and working out my periods etc so he knew when to try it on and when not to etc .

Now however he's started piling the pressure on, saying he's sick of us never doing anything (we do usually once a month but still, its more than some couples!!), he reckons his mate has told him that Im probably sleeping with 3 other blokes behind his back and last week he was making out that he's not going to put up with it for ever etc...

I feel under pressure now, I dread him coming down because I hate the thought of being under pressure about it, he goes on and on...a couple of weeks ago we were laying a floor whilst the kids were at there dads and he kept trying to get us to stop so we could get 'a quickie in' whilst the kids were away, I wanted to get the floor finished whilst the kids were away and he then went in a major strop as we didnt get chance (thankfully!) once the floor was finished as ex brought the boys back.

The pressure is getting to me, I resent him for going on about it constantly but in reality, I suppose any bloke would get sick of it eventually? or am I being soft? again!

OP posts:

crazydazy · 07/04/2006 21:32

You say ".....we didn't get chance (thankfully)" which seems to suggest you really don't want to have sex with him.....do you still fancy him, or is just the pressure?

Don't want to alarm you but you should try and sort it out or else he might start looking elsewhere, this would worry me if it was my situation.

optimistic · 07/04/2006 21:40

men pester for sex because they are selfish pigs driven by their willies,but also because tht sort of intimacy is the only way they feel loved and wanted.my partner is highly sexed,i am not for a variety of reasons.he pointed out that our relationship was currently based on OAP style companionship.Get "Scarlett" magazine and a vibro,you will rediscover the fun side of it!

maltesers · 09/04/2006 19:39

I have got it the other way round. My dp has very low sex drive which seems odd for a young bloke 38yrs. Think i have normal sex drive and have wandered a couple of times. Feel like putting viagra in his tea. Did get him to try a hoemeopathis medicine called MACA which gives you more energy and can raise your libido. My friend took it and she said it made her feel randy and full of energy, but my dp took it for a week and he said it made him feel aggressive...dead loss. So disregarding my dp opinion you could try it. On sale at most Health Food stores, so its not additive as its a natural herbal remedy.

ItalianJob · 09/04/2006 19:42

dg - are you using a reliable method of contraception? i.e. is there any reason to be particularly concerned that you would fall PG? having seen your other threads, I wonder if this is your body's way of rebelling against his putdowns?

lunarx · 11/04/2006 11:08

i've had little to no sex drive for over a year now (ds is almost 22 months) - my dh is a very sexual person and i feel pressured to do it (or things :I) when he is 'in the mood' and i am not. dh also thinks and said to me that i'm probably a lesbian or i am having an affair :(

my dh also says he wont put up with it forever and 'must men wouldn't'. (how he can speak for most men, i dont know!)

for me, it is lack of emotional closeness which is making me not want to have sex with him. there is no intimacy, just sex. most nights i'd rather sleep. (to be fair, we have sex maybe 2x a week, if that!) the pressure makes me sick:(

i empathise, dextersgirl :I

ItalianJob · 11/04/2006 11:10

Your DH really isn't doing too badly, if you're doing it twice a week. I think most men would actually think that was OK. Honestly - doesn't he think accusing you of an affair and being a lesbian is 1)contradictory 2)not the way to make you feel like getting jiggy with him.

crazydazy · 11/04/2006 11:13

Twice a week! Wouldn't have the energy. DP would think his birthday's had all come at once.

Once a week if he's a very good boy.

lunarx · 11/04/2006 11:13

i think my dh has twisted ideas about sex sometimes. he can be very insultive :I to be honest, i dont think he cares what i think/feel as long as he gets off. (trying not to be bitter)

lunarx · 11/04/2006 11:14

i dont have the energy:( but its either

-do it
or
-have terrible row over my inability to be a good wife, how selfish i am . .and so on.

crazydazy · 11/04/2006 11:17

Oh Lunarx no wonder you don't want to go near that caveman of yours!! Women have to be romanced into making love not "wam bammed". Who does he think he is? Tbh I cannot abide men like that and I have met some, thankfully DP never ever pressures me and respects the way I feel.

Your man seems very immature in his thinking, calling you a lesbian etc.

lunarx · 11/04/2006 11:21

(i didnt mean to hijack dextersgirls thread, but i hope when she reads this, she SO isnt alone in her thoughts!)

i think dh's thinking pattern is like this - if he doesnt go right for the gold, he wont get a chance to. romance? ha! his way of showing 'affection' is grabbing my ass (or worse, a boob.) (but i dont dare pick him up on this anymore; its just another row-starter.)

unfortunately, name-calling is something he does. last night, i was a c*nt before bed because i asked him not to read aloud as i was reading too. nevermind though.

ItalianJob · 11/04/2006 11:24

Has he always treated you in this way lunarx?

lunarx · 11/04/2006 11:31

not always... but more so in the last 6 months.

(im not playing the angel in this by any means, but i think a person can only take so much..especially when coupled with the stress of raising a 21 month old!)

crazydazy · 11/04/2006 13:17

That is definitely wrong...you surely don't think you deserve to be called that horrible name. I would have thrown him out if DP called me anything so nasty.

Tortington · 11/04/2006 14:05

tbh am not surpised i too would be ( and occasionally am) mightilly peed off if i dont get any. i dont think this is a male domain entirely.

i think sex is a wonderful and enjoyable thing and if you dont think the same then i think you should see your doctor. if all ok with doctor maybe you could tell partner of results and tell him to read a book and make it interesting?

anorak · 11/04/2006 14:13

It's very difficult when you feel pressured. All the same it's important to realise that this is a very big issue to him, as much as your feeling pressured is to you. Lots of men only feel loved if they are getting regular sex.

And the fact of the matter is we didn't marry our husbands to not have sex with them. We expect them to be faithful, is it fair to expect them to have little or no sex for the rest of their lives?

We all go through patches where we don't feel sexy for various reasons (children being a common one!) we get tired, ill, stressed, overwhelmed with being climbed on and constantly on call during the day, a milk machine, a servant - we just want to be left alone. But we have to treat these times as temporary if we want our marriages to survive. We have to make the effort to get back into the groove again until it begins to flow on its own.

Perhaps your DH would be more forthcoming with the gentle intimacy if he understood that gradually you would be more approachable for sex. You're missing out just as much as he is at the moment. And it is wonderful to be desired, even if it isn't working out for you at the moment, to not be wanted is horrible.

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 10:41

This kind of thing really pisses me off, sorry.
I'm a man, I hope, and have a very high sex drive. I went without sex for a year during and after dws pregnancy as she was either ill or too tired or just not in the mood. I would never dream of being so selfish as to nag or demand it.
Sex under duress is pointless anyway, as dw wont enjoy it, I may as well have a w**k. Admittedly, I had arms like popeye by the time dw was up for it again - tmi, sorry.
blokes like this make me really angry, yes i love sex and yes i want it every single day BUT, I also want a ferrari and a home in barbados but no amount of whinging will get me those will it?
My message to men like that is this - Grow up you selfish arseholes, stop disrespecting your wife to your stupid mates. If you're that bothered, nip off to the loo and pull one off, it does wonders for me and i'm a complete perv!

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 10:43

Anorak, i can see what you mean about being desired but would you feel desired if being nagged all the time? Or would you feel more like a piece of meat that he can just shag? He should show his wife more respect and he'll get more in return.

anorak · 12/04/2006 11:01

I agree with you really, HappyDaddy, but dextersgirl's relationship has become stuck in a vicious circle now and it takes effort to break that - on both sides of course.

It sounds as if you are more 'emotionally intelligent' than a lot of men as believe me, many of them really only feel love and intimacy as a part of sex. Therefore not having sex is a painful rejection to them. Surely it's as important for the woman to try and understand her man's feelings as it is for him to understand hers. It's a two-way thing.

Or to put it another way, marriage isn't two partners giving 50% each but two partners giving 100% each to try and make things right with one another.

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 11:08

I agree with that and my dw says how can you expect a man not to stray if you don't give him any sex? I think it may depend on how much you love each other, how much one takes the other for granted, etc.

It's the old saying, isn't it? Marriage, or relatinships, are give and take on both sides.
This general male attitude makes me sick, though. Too often it seems to be the woman recognising problems and doing all the work to fix things.

anorak · 12/04/2006 11:11

You can't know how great it is to see a man saying that, HD!

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 11:19

Aww shucks. See what happens when you're brought up surrounded by women?

lunarx · 12/04/2006 12:01

crazydazy > i cant throw him out. its his house. he called me it again last night. at least my skin is thickening at last.

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