communication between spouses - not lying but just not saying

[wednesday999]

I am interested in someone else's take on this. Had some problems in our marriage and one of the issues is around openess and communication. To give an example - my husband works away sometimes and in quite nice places and this week he had a morning free and said he had a lovely walk along the beach. I would say, I had a lovely walk along the beach with Jim, or Susan or on my own. But he doesn't. I know the names of most of the people he works with and so to me it is odd that you say half a story. And I find he does that a lot. He will not volunteer things, he will tell you half of something and just not be as open as I would be.

Am I being unreasonable? Are a lot of people like him or would you expect your husband or wife to be more forthcoming?

YABU. Because you're implying that you don't have the opportunity to ask supplementary questions. Surely 'I walked along the beach' is a conversation-starter, not a close-ended monologue?

yes but too often I have to ask that supplementary question. that is precisely my point, he does not volunteer the information. I might say " I had a lovely walk along the beach this morning with Susan and we had a really nice chat"

For the reason Cogito has said, you are being unreasonable but does your dh go everywhere joined at the hip to colleagues/friends? Is it possible that he enjoyed a 'lovely walk' along the beach on his own?

I think you're nitpicking - some people are more economical with words than others and many don't see the need to provide chapter and verse of all of their doings unless asked.

chapter and verse? with a partner do you not want to share and involve them in your life? I have chosen one example but the point is there are many.Do you ot volunteer things with your partner?

I stand by my original YABU and agree with izzyizin that some people use fewer words than others. It's a bit of a hackneyed generalisation/stereotype but men are often less interested in the nuances of who was where and the details of who said what to whom. It's wrong to assume they're hiding something just because they've given you a pencil sketch of an event rather than a comprehensive run-down. If he seems reluctant to offer more information, closes you down or is evasive in any way when you engage in conversation then maybe you'd have cause for concern. And, obviously, if you have other reasons to suspect he's being dishonest with you that's another matter. But I'm not getting that from this example.

"Do you not volunteer things with your partner?"

Yes.... but I'm a chatterbox so, when I can see him starting to glaze over , I have to stop myself occasionally, apologise for wittering on about some minutely trivial matter and allow the poor bugger to get a word in edgeways. It is possible to 'share' too much.

BTW One definition of a good relationship is one where you are quite content being together in companionable silence...

Of course I share information with my nearest and dearest but I'd be unlikely to mention that I'd taken a walk along a beach, alone or with others, unless something remarkable had happened - such as a seagull having crapped on my sunhat or an unexpectedly large wave wetting my knickers, or that I'd wished they were with me to enjoy the ambience.

You see, to me, if DH failed to mention at all that he'd had a walk on the beach at all then I would think he wasn't communicating with me properly. But in your example, I wouldn't see a problem at all.

But presumably, this isn't really about walks on beaches - does he also fail to tell you the really important stuff?

I should clarify: If I said to DH "what did you do this morning?" and he replied "Nothing" when in fact he'd been for a walk - then that would be a failure in communication. But otherwise - no, not a problem.

OP, I do think YABU. It sounds to me like your DH was just making conversation about the walk, and didn't consider the other details to be important or interesting enough to bother repeating. In your situation, I might have asked a few more questions just to show interest in his day, but I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

My DH was away for a week with work. I know about some of the things he did e.g. spent time in the bar, went to cinema. I don't know all the details about what he did each night, who he was with etc. Not because he's hiding anything, just because it really doesn't matter.

Why not spit it out and just say you think he might be hiding things from you or telling lies by omission and that's one of the problems in your marriage?

I'm sure you don't really want all the graphic details if the story is boring, but you probably want them if it turns out that he was having a beachwalk with Deirdre who he stopped mentioning a few months ago, but used to talk about incessantly.

Good communication and an appropriate level of openness is essential in a good relationship. But to want to know almost every little detail is unhealthy and often causes trust or control issues.

YABU
DM and DS1 give me all the minutiae of exactly what they've done, with whom and where and it drives me insane.
'What time are you coming over?'
'Well, I finish work at 5, because X has asked me to cover for her, her daughter's got MS you know, it's affected her fingers now. Then I'm popping to the shops to pick up some bits for Y... '

If DH started to do it, I'd put him in a home!

DW says, "Did you ring your mum, then"

"Yes."

"Anything much?"

"No, normal nonsense"

"Well, what?"

Cue me giving a 15 minute blow-by-blow, including corns, shopping church teas. what Elsie said, trying very hard not to draw breath...

"You didn't have to tell me all that!"

"You asked."

If you said to me "Who was that on the phone?" I'd say "Bob."
I'll answer the question. DW occasionally barks at me "And?" "And?" I have suggested she ring Bob up before now, on the grounds I was bored when he told me, and I see no reason to be more bored repeating his crap..

Typical phone conversation with my Dad....

"Hello Dad"
"Hello love"
"How've you been?"
"Not so bad thanks"
"How's your weather?"
"Bit foggy today but should brighten up later ...... I'll get your mother"