Can we have a 'characteristics of good partners' thread?

[alWaqi]

I met my BF about eight months ago and we had our first proper argument last week - it was over something fairly small that he did, but I'd been having a rubbish few weeks and there were some underlying issues that we hadn't had a chance to talk through properly so I ended up making a bigger deal out of it than it warranted. The next day he bought me coffee, apologised sincerely and asked whether there was anything else I wanted to talk about as it's not like me to get so upset. Which probably doesn't sound like much to most people, but it's exactly the opposite of what I'm used to - during the last 5-10 years I can barely remember a time when I've been annoyed with a BF and it hasn't been met with defensiveness, accusations that it's my own fault or laughter (), to the point where I'd almost stopped speaking my mind at all. So understanding and an apology completely floored me - I actually sat there for a while thinking 'bloody hell, what do I do now?' I was so used to past BFs' behaviour that I'd completely forgotten that saying sorry is normal when someone's annoyed with you for a reason - it was a real eye-opener.

Anyway, after that lengthy introduction - I was thinking about all this and also about that 'red flags' thread that's been going for a while, and I was thinking maybe we could have a similar thread for things that people in normal, happy relationships do... a sort of 'green flags' thread, if you like. This is NOT intended as a 'get out of jail free' card, where a man (or woman) is entitled to be as abusive a cunt as they like because they do some of the things on this thread, or a list of things that people have to do without fail in order to be good partners - more general guidelines as to the kinds of things that are probably good signs. Of course these are all personal opinions so feel free to debate/disagree with any

So, I'll start:

Someone you feel safe with, not only in terms of not being violent but also in that you can tell them your emotional weaknesses and know they won't look down on you or use them against you

Someone you're not afraid to disagree with, and who'll react calmly and reasonably when you do disagree

Someone who's not afraid to disagree with you and treats you as a real person rather than putting you on a pedestal (but not to the extent that they blame you for everything!)

Someone who'll genuinely listen to your concerns (and act on them) and cares about your opinion, and who can tell you their own concerns without sulking or expecting you to read their mind

Someone you can be friends with, rather than someone you just find attractive (depends on the nature of the relationship of course, but I'd say this is a must for LTRs). Someone who doesn't mind doing the day-to-day unsexy stuff (housework!) as well as all the good bits

Someone who has their own friends and gets on with yours

Someone who has outside interests that aren't to do with you - not to the extent that they neglect you in favour of their hobbies, but enough that their life doesn't completely revolve around you to the point of obsession

Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who you're with because it makes you happy rather than because you're afraid to be alone

I'm sure there's loads of important ones I've forgotten but it's late, so I'll leave it there for now

I agree with all of your points. I'd like to add some.

Someone who has made mistakes so knows how to learn from them and move on.

Someone who treats me like a lady but respects my independence.

Someone who treats women as equals and not inferiors in any respect.

Someone who is playful yet responsible. They make great fathers, in my experience.

A great thread!

Just a few from me before I go to bed...

Someone who accepts you had a life before you met and is totally at ease with it.

Someone who encourages and supports the paths/plans you choose in life

Someone who makes the day brighter for you, and you for them

All those previously and
Someone who is not miserly either financially or emotionally.
Someone who is generous.
Someone who will tolerate your virtually nazi parents and only slightly take the piss out of them.

What a lovely thread

I am now with the most wonderful man and feel truly blessed to have him in my life.

Some of his best points are:

When I am grumpy about work or the weather or the fact that he left the butter out and the cat licked it, he makes me laugh at myself and at the world in general.

He genuinely thinks I am brilliant despite evidence to the contrary.

He is generous with his time, attention and love. Even to the point of agreeing to help my colleague (who he has never met)'s son with his coursework (as it is on his specialist subject).

He understands that because we both work full time housework should be shared 50/50 and does most of the washing up because I hate it.

I have had some horrible partners in the past and being with dp has made me realise how unhappy I was. Everyone deserves to be with someone who makes them feel like a princess - don't settle for less!

Things that have impressed me most about my partner:

• His own self-knowledge of his good and bad points, some of which he has worked hard to change (the bad ones, obviously!)
• His openness to new things, including the depth of our relationship which he says has taken him by surprise
• His honesty (see above)
• His generosity with time, kindness, money
• His willingness to see a different point of view
• His efforts to make me feel loved and the most important person in his life

There are many more, but these spring to mind most readily.

I wonder whether some of these are to do with our age and circumstances. He's 50, I'm late 40s and we've been together 3 years. We've both had previous failed relationships and time being single to reflect on our lives and characters. I'm not sure how we would have got on if we'd met at a different stage of our lives, but I'm very glad we're together now.

Fantastic idea for a thread!
Someone who makes an effort after the first few weeks or months. I've been with DH nearly 20 years and he still asks after my friends, remembers what I'm doing when I'm not with him. He's rubbish at making cups of tea, but I've bought a teasmade.
Ok relationships with family. Red flags are too dependant on parents approval, or not in contact at all.
Money and plans. This one is difficult as when I met DH he was really anxious and TBH quite stingy, but generous enough in other ways, like his time and emotions. I realised that he was the product of the way he'd been brought up and cut him some slack.
Not a sulker. Non negotiable past about 15.

I don't have a permanent partner because my independence is important to me. Therefore my priorities are...

1. Support, back-up, encouragement & showing enthusiasm for ideas, decisions & plans rather than knee-jerk 'that'll never work-ism'.
2. Accepting of each other's radically different views on matters without making each other feel stupid. :)
3. A sunny disposition, ready smile, terrible jokes, easy laugh. Have met enough miserable buggers to last a lifetime. Also NO 'ISSUES' (see remark about miserable buggers)
4. Generosity of spirit... even if isn't matched with actual cash.

After being married for 19 years, to be followed by a series of wonderful 'he is the one' type relationships, I finally (at the age of 57) found my true one.
We met on an Internet Date site in Australia, I thought I would never try this medium, I am SO glad that I did.
We have been together for almost 5 years and not 1 argument or cross word..to the point that I think "Is this normal"??
He is generous, thoughtful, funny, witty, helpful, generous, kind, intelligent.
He is my rock, my fall back on to guy, my shoulder to hug guy, my listen to my venting guy and I couldn't be without him. I think age has a lot to do with it to. When I was younger too many arguments about the small stuff, now we simply as they say 'Don't sweat it". We are past that, as we realise there are more important things in life than to argue about trivial matters.
He is a blog widow however, which is why I love him. He knows how much I love it and accepts and let's me be ..well me.
Great topic - thank you for letting me share.

All excellent points and I'm sure with he/she reversal would apply to men too!

Makes you laugh. Finds your jokes funny.
You look forward to seeing them (even if they have only been at work for eight hours).
They are polite, friendly and hospitable to your friends and family.
They surprise you with little things (buy you an ice cream on a hot day, when they make a coffee they sprinkle choc powder in a heart shape, when 'your song' comes on the radio they ask you to dance around the kitchen etc).
When you are unwell, they pick up the slack and then some more so you can recover.
There is mutual respect.
Their relationship with their children makes your heart sing.
But the most important - you don't have to pretend to be anything youre not around them. You can be truly yourself. To be honest, this one still blows my mind with DH. Someone was watching out for me the day our paths cossed.

Someone who sees his own faults and not just yours, who doesn't judge your faults more harshly than his own;

Someone whose default setting is to be kind, not unkind;

Someone who has generosity of spirit, is not grudging or constantly suspicious;

Someone who accepts who you are, rather than seeing you as raw material to be remoulded.

When you confess to desperately, desperately wanting something that is usually seen a vain, materialistic thing (but would actually enable you to look in a mirror without being fully clothed), instead of dismissing it, holds you while you cry your eyes out, then tells you to do some research, find out the costs involved and that he'll set up a savings account for it.

Stands up for you, whether or not you're there

Takes a day off (if his work/boss/roster makes it possible) when you're ill- especially if you're a SAHM.

Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, and other important dates. Even if you choose not to make a big deal of them, just remembering enough to say "Happy birthday/anniversary/warthog scrubbing day" is important.

When you're wandering around the house in your ball gown, with your DD in her fairy dress immediately puts on his suit and top hat and announces there will be High Tea. (and then helps with tiny-sammich making, scone mixing and tea-pot warming)

Most importantly though, someone who is proud to be seen with you, and is proud to hold your hand and kiss you in public.

Kindness and generosity of spirit. I cannot abide miserly, stingy, selfish behaviour. Whether financial or emotional.

Nice to children and animals and old ladies.

Polite to waiters/shop assistants etc.

Ability to laugh at oneself.

Interested in lots of things, even if you find them deathly boring.

A willingness to make the effort with your friends, even when they have nothing really in common. I have several good friends who's husbands make precisely no effort, and I think it's so rude.

They notice straight away when you're feeling down or having a hard time for any reason. They find ways to show they understand this (a hug at the right time for instance). And without having to be asked they try to make your life easier in little ways.

They're ready to listen when you want to talk, but will let you be quiet when that's what you want as well.

They remember little things that you've mentioned to them.

Oh yeah.

Someone who flushes the goddamned toilet.
chases DP with carving knife

15 posts into the thread, a Friday, and nobody's mentioned bumsex.

Has the internet gone down in Essex, or something?

Teacher, you make good point. I've an in-law whose husband has turned out to be a seriously abusive twerp. He was always utterly vile to waiters, shop assistants etc. His true colours showing through.

Indeed, LaQ love is a verb.

I have an amazing husband. He is wonderful for many of the above reasons but I have recently discovered a couple of new traits:

He appreciates if I manage a load of laundry or get the washing up done while looking after our 9 week old but doesn't care if I don't. He smiles and does it himself after a hard day at work.

He tells me I'm a great mum and how well I'm doing all the time.

Open and honest, and encourages me to be the same.
Genuinely wants to know what I'm thinking and the reasons why.
Shares how he feels, so I don't need to second guess him.
Makes me smile constantly, my heart soars when I see him as I know we will have fun together.
Easy to spend time with
Totally agree with the previous poster who said about not being put on a pedestal by him. I have a long history of being put on a pedestal, guaranteed to fall off at some point!
He respects me and supports me.
I love how he makes me consider other angles and points of view

She looks after me when I'm sick. I am really unwell with a chest infection at the moment.

So today, she brings round hot food, walks the dogs, does the washing-up, buys me tasty little morsels and sorts out the problem with the car at the garage.

She's amazing.

And we love each other.

He never gets shouty with me. He is a voice of reason. He has lovely manners. He adores the dc and plays with them. He is very proud of me and tells me all his news. He can gossip like a girl:)

He takes my side always with mil and fil. He once, when I locked mysef out of the car, when it was still running with everything in it, keys, etc, left work and a tv crew waiting for him to sort it out, and didn't get annoyed. He said it gave him an extra chance to see his dw and give her a kiss:)

BUT - remembering that nobody can be truly perfect

Someone who cares about my sexual satisfaction.
And no, I am not being smutty, it matters.
It signifies generosity and a lack of selfishness and makes me love my man!