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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ds and friends drink all the wine.. I get the blame!

55 replies

bonhomiee · 29/11/2012 22:13

Tonight I came home and it appears ds , 21 has been raiding the wine cupboard/rack when friends have been round, without asking.
One bottle, I do not know why, was in the vegetable rack!
dh shouts " Why are you letting ds drink all the wine, or did you drink it and hide bottles in the cupboard like your mother?" [my mother was a serious alcoholic and had to go into res care at a young age with memory/ brain problems]
I don't drink.
I never have.
Yesterday he blamed me for our dd considering taking out a student overdraft facility. I am sick and tired of being a scapegoat and blamed for anything which causes him stress and the absolute unfairness of his approach.
I have told him to stick it and stop offloading it all onto me when I am actually sorting out the problem while he does nothing.

After mn help I spoke to my friend who knows us both and she felt I should stay with him as he is basically a good person, although unsupportive.
How to deal with him?

OP posts:
Xales · 29/11/2012 22:23

He is a man who uses your mother's alcohol problems probably knowing your growing up with it to be nasty and insulting to you.

Basically good people aren't nasty and don't hit people where they know it will really hurt.

Your DD I assume is an adult and makes her own decisions. Telling him to stick it was right.

If he is basically a good person you can sit him down and explain just how nasty and hurtful those throw away comments are and to pack it in now and forever.

dequoisagitil · 29/11/2012 22:24

Someone who uses you as his scapegoat and whipping boy is not basically a good person. What do your friend's relationships look like, that she thinks you should suck it up?

What do you want?

MushroomSoup · 29/11/2012 22:24

Leave the bastard!

Original poster
bonhomiee · 29/11/2012 22:36

It is his nature, his manner of speaking. He gets all aereated and over the top and expects me to sort everything out, which I do.
Oddly, he apparently thinks so little of me I cannot , genuinely understand why he is still here when I previously asked him to go, and why he thinks so badly of me yet knows I will sort all the problems out.
He refuses to speak to ds himself although I have asked him. he is completely ineffectual.

I just went down and angrily told him he is unfair and he had chances to sort out this behavior and hasn't done it, to which his response was

"All this comes from your side of the family, overdrafts and alcohol problems"

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 29/11/2012 22:41

eggshells.
I beseech you all, give me the strength to leave this man who apparently disrespects me so much. Who cannot accept blame for anything .
Maybe he is just a bit of a pain, I don't have a crystal ball of truth to tell me the right version of events, only my own version.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/11/2012 00:02

If your family is grown, how about simply taking yourself away for a few days, booking into a hotel and indulging in a bit of long-distance thinking? You might spend your time meeting solicitors, for example, and researching the implications of divorce. You could check out nice little houses to rent or buy (I'm just theorising, you understand). Let him deal with DS and DD in his own way because you won't be there. Try life as an independent woman on for size and see how it fits.

He is disrespectful, doesn't take you seriously, throws insults from the sidelines rather than engaging with a problem or admitting fault. I don't have a crystal ball either but, by my reckoning, ANY future you create for yourself is better than the status quo.

Friends who say he is 'basically a good person' are just fence-sitting and trying to stay out of it in case it all works out and they have to socialise with you again. Don't judge them too harshly. I, on the other hand, have no such restrictions... :)

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 30/11/2012 00:09

He sounds like a dick. I agree with Cogito, have a weekend away and spend some of your time researching your financial position if you separate.

Mind you, if you have already asked him to leave once and he hasn't gone, it's worth looking into legal routes to force him out. It's a miserable tedious process if he's not been violent but is simply unco-operative, but it can be done, just the same.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/11/2012 13:32

I don't suppose there's the slightest point in telling him overdrafts aren't hereditary Confused

pinkhalf · 30/11/2012 20:09

What a total crudbucket this man is. His chickenshit attitude towards you is both cowardly and hurtful.

Since he thinks so little of you, I would simply recall the word chickenshit everytime you look at him. Anger can be very motivating!

Original poster
bonhomiee · 30/11/2012 20:59

Today is just another day in paradise. No reference to yesterday.
His angry domineering ways are to get his own way, and to make me sort things out while he switches off. For a quiet life I usually go and sort out whatever it is.. duh
Friend thinks he is the way he is because I have detached from him. Its the other way round
I have younger ds of 10.

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 30/11/2012 21:02

I was so hurt at what he said.. as if it is my fault I have had to cope with an alcoholic mother, while being strong enough to never drink. I saw what it can do.

OP posts:
pinkhalf · 30/11/2012 23:22

I feel for you. My mother was also an alcoholic. It is not your fault and to say that it is is a chickenshit and cruel thing to do.

I'm sure he knows this and it keeps you in your place. You can be reasonable ad he can press your buttons. I would get rid in your place, but build some moral support first because what he says is designed to eat at you.

dequoisagitil · 30/11/2012 23:28

If you're not happy in the relationship and feel disrespected, then that is the truth of how it is for you. It doesn't matter how anyone else sees it.

What he said about your mother and the alcoholism was downright cruel.

If you want to leave the marriage or change your life, you don't need anyone's permission but your own.

PurpleCrutches · 30/11/2012 23:48

You need to tell him that he either sorts out his attitude, or you're gone. And mean it.

Life is too short to live with someone who brings you down at every opportunity. You deserve so much better.

He sounds like a twunt.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 30/11/2012 23:51

I am trying to put my ds and myself first here. I am prepared to be reasonable and cordial. I am prepared to be fair.
At weekends there is usually an upset, if things don't go his way.
Would things be better just me and ds.. yes.
Would things be better when ds is with dh or for him moving between the two homes.. don't know.

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 30/11/2012 23:55

At least if you were apart, you could give your ds normal and better for, say, 6 days a week and every other weekend. As it is, you have poor relationship models 24/7.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 01/12/2012 00:00

Yes purple thats right.. each episode happens, unprovoked, out of the blue, I get upset, I sleep on it, go to work and things settle, since he doesn't speak properly to me anyway, it all gets ignored.
We all get niggly and can argue our point and maybe sometimes we say things we don't mean. But I have stood my ground and told him, shouted a him I won't accept it. Yet I continue to try to fix it... now where was that post about children of alcoholics again...?
Confused

OP posts:
Monty27 · 01/12/2012 00:06

Tell him to speak like a bigger bloke down the pub or whatever in the same tone see where it gets him. He sounds like a bully to me. Angry

Don't take it OP.

Monty27 · 01/12/2012 00:06

*that to

PurpleCrutches · 01/12/2012 01:24

Would things be better just me and ds.. yes

I think you've answered your own thread there.

You need to do what's best for you and DS. You can't fix your marriage alone - it takes both of you to do that. Seeing as your H isn't bothered, I think you need to leave.

I really don't say that lightly, but you really do deserve someone who will treat you like a person rather than a scapegoat.

Monty27 · 01/12/2012 01:42

Op I wouldn't say it would be easy, it won't, but sometimes there are hard things that you just need to do because they are right.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 02/12/2012 00:53

The penny is slowly dropping
He agitates when something needs to be done that he wants me to do.. paperwork /ringing for oil.
He gets mad when the house is untidy / food not ready /we run out of milk so I tidy up /go and get it.
He engages with me if he wants me to do something. He doesn;t engage if he disagrees with my wish to do something or he csn't be bothered.

OP posts:
Feckbox · 02/12/2012 07:32

You want to be happy.
To be free to be yourself.
You CAN do this.
Read the chat thread about stuff you wish you had told your younger self

Feckbox · 02/12/2012 07:35

And you need to speak to Ds about the wine.

Helping himself without asking is disrespectful....where do you think he is learning that behaviour?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 02/12/2012 07:43

You don't deserve this.

and your son doesn't deserve to grow up thinking that THIS is how to treat his wife one day.

And any future wife/partner sure as HELL doesn't deserve it!

Please consider finding a way out.

There's no reason on earth you should have to live like this.