I am just so sad. Contemplating break up.

[TwoStrongArms]

I've done the whole ' we can make it better again' thing. Every time things seem sort of OK again I think 'oh, we'll be OK' and then another argument ends in unresolved resentment and I feel shouted down, viewed with hostility and contempt. I daresay he feels the same, or different but equivalent upsets.

Now I am feeling sick at breaking up DDs home. She will be heartbroken. I have tried to be positive about staying for her, but it doesn't really work like that, does it?

I feel family loyalty, a sort of old-slippers kind of love for what our family is built on, but I also hate who he can be, now.

I haven't made a timetable, but I think we should be planning to separate calmly during the school summer holidays.

And I feel so so sad. Strong for myself, I suppose, but really sad for DD.

It's okay to grieve for what you had. You can be sad for the loss of the happy family unit that isn't there and never will be. You can mourn and acknowledge those feelings while making moves to move out and start building the new life you want.

I saw my ExH cycling to work the other day. I am very happy to be living apart from him. But I was still hit by a wave of sadness seeing him and realised that feeling is going to carry on for a while. Doesn't mean I did the wrong thing though.

Hi two, i know exactly how you fell, i have just recently split with my abusive Ex. I won't lie to you, he moved out about 9 weeks ago, and i still cry every day mourning the loss of my family.

I feel terribly guilty that my DD doesn't have her parents together, and coming from a broken home myself, its something that i really wanted her to have.

On the flip side, i'm not scared to come home anymore. I don't have to worry about my DD seeing me being beaten by her dad, i don't have to worry about how the constant arguing will affect her. I also now don't have to worry that she will see the disgraceful way that he treated me, and think that it is a normal way to treat someone.

You will feel better, it will just take time.

Are you in the UK? If so, why next year's school summer holidays? That seems to be a sometime, never, plan.

And what of your oh? Will he agree to separate 'calmly' at a time of your choosing?

What is DD's life like now... I mean really like? If she's school age she's plenty old enough to pick up on the unresolved resentment and arguments. Kids who grow up in that atmosphere can end up with all kinds of problems. They wish their parents would get along better... often blaming themselves for the hostility or withdrawing into private 'safe' worlds where the arguing can't penetrate.

Why would you subject anyone to another six months of that?

Puds and Lemon, thank you.

Izzy and Cogito. LIfe is OK for DD but I she is well aware that we don't have a normal happy affectionate relationship, and she has learned never to state a preference or opinion if it looks as if it may be a point of tension between DP and I. She will understand exactly why we are splitting.
As for timetable, I don't know, I thought that was a realistic time frame to aim for, given the legal and financial arrangements that will have to be made, and I can't see DP moving all his stuff out over a quick satruday in between getting DD's homework done. So I thought a school holiday so we could spend time with her. But maybe school would be a better distraction.

How have people managed the actual timing and process of a partner moving out?

He isn't abusive, I am not in danger. Well, maybe he is emotionally abusive when we are arguing.

We split in the holidays, but had to remain living together for another 3 months. He moved out my first week back at uni. Not the best time, but there isn't ever a good time for this kind of thing. I think that school may be a good distraction.

Puds, that must have been horrible, given that he was violent.
Well done for getting him out.

Action plan:
Seek advice from Financial Advisor and Solicitor
Think which are the most realistic options
Discuss with DP
Come to some agreed way forward - he will need time to seek FA and legal advice, too, of course. This could take some doing but hopefully will not become too lengthy, bitter and deadly.
DP find alternative accommodation (this could be a protracted stage if we have no option but to sell house)
Implement split.

I wouldn't wait until the summer holidays - school would give her routine, distraction and support. You could use the times she's at school to get things sorted and hopefully keep any arguing/upset to times she's absent from home.

This is half the problem. We both work full time, difficult hours. We never get time to talk properly, it's all crammed into a hissed 10 minutes while she's in the bathroom. And I can't fit in an appointment with a FA before Christmas. I need to plan the headspace and time for this.

But school and routine makes sense.

Two, sometimes you have to take time for your life ( unless you are the Prime Minister?) I know it's hard, but please, take a morning off, take a sick day if you have to, and get some advice. Whose house is it? Can you afford it on your own? If not, what can you afford? Make practical plans, and then they will feel more achieveable . Good luck.

"she has learned never to state a preference or opinion if it looks as if it may be a point of tension between DP and I"

You have to make the break sooner rather than later if that's the case. Your daughter is learning a really bad lesson at the moment i.e. 'keep quiet rather than risk causing an argument'. She's learning to be submissive rather than assertive.

Cogito - I know, that's what set the heartbreak of the split against. She is very close to her Dad, we have both always done hands on 50/50 parenting, they share interests etc.

We own the house as tennants in common and I have the greater share. But finding the money for two homes will be tricky, I may have to relinquish the house and find somewhere smaller, which is of course fine, except that I don't want to move DD out of her home if I can help it.

As Kirsty says, there has to be a compromise, though.