Do I give in for a quiet life, or tell him to deal with it?

[squeakytoy]

Apologies in advance for this being a bit long..

For most of our ten year marriage I havent really had much of a social life of my own. Occasional nights away at friends or on mini breaks, but nothing on a regular basis. He on the other hand sees his mates after work most nights for a couple of pints. Sometimes I join him, other times I dont.

However, in the last few months I have got my self confidence back, made new friends (through mutual friends, so not strangers he doesnt know) and like to go out with them on a Friday night.

My husband, when i met him was working in a bar as well as his day job (thats where we met!) and we used to be out all the time, but over the last few years he has become more like Victor Meldrew and the only place he ever wants to go is his local, early evening, then home to be fed watch telly and go to bed early.

It has got to the point now where he makes sarky comments about me "being out on the piss all night", and never being at home.. he wont cook for himself so also drives me mad by whinging about how hungry he is if I dont go home with him when HE wants to go home, but if I did go home, all that happens is I cook his food, he eats it then goes to bed and I would be sat here on my own anyway.

We dont have children together, but he has 3 from his first marriage who are all adults, one of whom is one of my best mates, as well as my boss, and when I am out, he is normally with us too.

I am now getting accused of having affairs and to be honest it is getting to the point where I feel like saying I have had enough. I am 43, not 73. I want a social life, I do not want to spend every fecking night on my own while he is snoring. When I am out, he always knows where I am and who I am with. We are usually only in our local pub or the nearest other one, and recently he texted me at 11.30 saying "dont you think it is time you came home". He had woken up and I wasnt there... I replied telling him I wouldnt be too long, told him where I was and who I was with. The reply I got was "lying cunt, stay wherever you are". My stepson rang him and told him he was being ridiculous. I ended up going home at about 3am as even my parents didnt tell me to come home when I lived with them in my teens!

I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. I am not prepared to give in and stay in 7 nights a week. I have not cheated, nor do I intend to. I dont go out dressed as if I am on the pull, I just enjoy having a laugh with my mates once maybe twice a week. Is that so bloody wrong?

I think part of the issue is that he has no interests, no hobbies, and no social life of his own. He is more than welcome to stay out with our friends (and they are friends of his too), but he says he is tired and goes home after sitting there making no effort to be sociable anyway.

He sounds paranoid(that paranoia has undoutedly increased over time) as well as controlling; something has caused all that to arise. Why do you think he is acting like a complete arse?. It may well be because he actually can.

Why did his first marriage end?.

I do not think he wants you to have a life of your own but to keep you instead within that cage of his own making. Controlling you as he is doing is abusive behaviour.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This is not going to get any better for you. You are 43 and are still young.

Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

How does it compare to what he is getting out of it?

It is controlling, I agree, and yes increasingly paranoid. His first marriage ended because she was having affairs (according to him, but my stepkids dont agree and say it was because he was such a miserable git as well as drinking too much..), I would say that it may have been a bit of both of them at fault. He isnt easy to live with.

I have always been really independent, but until the last couple of years our marriage has always been good, but maybe that is because I have always been the one to make the effort and let him have his own way.

I just feel so miserable and trapped at the moment. He has had episodes of depression, and his dad committed suicide 5 years ago, and both me and my lovely MIL (who supports me and agrees that he is behaving ridiculously) worry that he is becoming more and more like his father, who was very difficult, controlling and paranoid.

I love him, but I really dont like him very much lately.

Another thing is that I was adopted at 6 weeks old, (my adoptive parents are both dead. Dad died 18 years ago, Mum 4 years ago), and I recently traced and am no in contact with my birth mum, things are going well, she lives in the USA and has done since having me, and other family members have also contacted me to introduce themselves and they want me to become a proper part of the family. For me that is something so brilliant, because I was an only child, and when my mum died I had no other relatives at all. I now have blood relatives. He hasnt shown the remotest bit of interest in this over the last couple of months, and that hurts me a lot too.

So many red flags here, squeaky...

You are quite probably vulnerable re: attachment, as an adoptee.
You accept a situation where you have far fewer benefits from being in this relationship than he does, and have a tendency to give in to keep the peace.
He is taking the piss re: being out every night when you so rarely get the same chance.
He is treating you like a skivvy re: cooking his food for him (he's a grown man! He's just throwing his weight around to prove that you are under his control; it's got nothing to do with cooking skills).
He blames his ex-wife for the failure of his first marriage, even though you have evidence that this is tosh.

You deserve far better.

I think you should a) carry on doing whatever you want and b) if his behaviour doesn't improve, get rid of him.

He may suffer from depression but that's not your fault and you can't make him better by martyring yourself.
What's your situation like WRT housing, finance etc. It sounds like your DSC are independent adults, do you have younger DC with this man?

Oh I can see the red flags. He isnt a bad bloke, he works hard and he is completely trustworthy, and I wonder if it is just me getting bored.

I would love it if he had some interests in life of his own, and wasnt so needy. He hates being in the house by himself, and always has done. Even as a kid he didnt like being on his own apparently. But he isnt willing to make the effort to do anything else either... so I cant see any solution to this.

I just feel as though we have both changed and are drifting apart, and I am getting to the stage where I cant be bothered to be the only one trying to sort it out. I cant face the thought of spending the rest of my life like a pensioner. If I had kids it would be different, but I dont, and friends are really an important part of my life. He is jealous and insecure and I really dislike both those traits.

House is owned, some equity. It is only in his name, but was bought after we married. (That was a mutual decision as I had bad debt due to my previous relationship and we didnt want it impacting on our house).

Financially we are not skint but not rich either. He had a year off work with depression and a breakdown a couple of years after his dad died, and his work has been a bit sporadic this year too so it has eaten through most of our savings.

When it comes to money he isnt controlling at all really. I am the one in charge of all the finances even though he is the main earner.

My dream scenario would be for him to get a job on an oil rig and then I would only have to see him part of the time.

looks at job pages

Honestly, just dump him. There's no reason not to. He's a selfish, passive-aggressive, life-draining whinyarse and he's only going to get worse. It's far better to be single than have to tiptoe round some man's ego for the rest of your life.

You can stay friends with your DSC if that is important to you; it sounds like they are sick of him too and if you have been in their lives for a long time then there is no need to cut them off.

Hmm according to him his ex wife had affairs just like you are now a lying cunt who is having affairs... Do you see a pattern?

Giving in for a quiet life means you sitting at home like the good little wife and making dinner while he goes to the pub almost every night with his mates.

Sod that.

Tell him he is being ridiculous and you will not entertain or discuss this any further.

Solid has it exactly right there. Life draining whiny-arse - and it's your life draining away.
I see nobody has asked you the implications of getting yourself out of this toxic and life-wasting situation - so I'll ask. I'll also ask, if you were a gambling woman, what kind of odds you'd place on him pulling himself together and giving you the kind of life you deserve.

At 43, you should be enjoying your life, not stuck at home with a whiny man child, calling you a horrible name, over something you havent done.

His kids are even sick of him, i'd move on because obviously he wants just a maid not a loving wife.

Bloody hell - this reads like my own thread this morning. A really similar situation. I really feel for you. Am trying to get my own head straight so have no useful advice apart but best wishes.

Squeaky - you are one of the few posters here I take particular note of. I find myself agreeing with you a lot. I am sorry to see that you are in this situation.
It's not you, it's him.
To be totally honest with you, what you are describing sounds dreadful to my ears. I am a person who very much enjoys a night out, and I'd hate to be with someone so grimly determined to put the kybosh on my enjoyment.

My husband would never ring me at 11.30 and tell me to come home just because he thought I should.
He waves me off, and even slightly pampers my hangover the next morning. I do the same for him.

Calling you names and what not - well it's just shit and crap and crud isn't it? What a bully. What a nasty bully.

I get the feeling that this is more complex than a straightforward case of a woman living with a controlling and jealous man. It sounds like there are shifts happening to both of you, but the greatest shift is in you.

This is one of those threads where it's not always helpful to pretend a lack of knowledge about a posters' views or the information they impart, so I'll be honest and give you my impression.

I've always thought that your rails against feminism might have been a case of protesting too much and have always hoped that one day you would start to question why your husband doesn't cook, doesn't see dirt and expects such a traditional old-fashioned marriage. And to question why you've defended that so rigorously and have got angry with those who've disagreed. It would have been impolite and too personal to challenge you directly about that on someone else's thread, but I think for this one to be of any value to you as an OP it's appropriate to do so now. I hope you won't see this as an attack but some observations that are coming from a good place.

It sounds like you're changing and in the process, are challenging some views that have hitherto been sacred. Your husband is noticing that shift and is acting out his resultant fear and insecurity in hurtful, abusive and damaging ways. I think he can sense that you're challenging the status quo, are meeting new people with different takes on life and who are single and open to introductions - and this is discomfiting.

A partner developing a sudden social life with new people might cause some concern in even the most secure and happy relationship, but when it happens in relationships that have been characterised by sexism and controlling behaviour, it is especially frightening especially to someone who believes he has been a victim rather than an aggressor in his first marriage.

Someone who respected his partner and found it easy to convey his fears and vulnerabilities would deal with this very differently. He might admit that he is frightened of losing you and seek a compromise that doesn't curtail your freedom but doesn't threaten your bond either. Instead, he is gone into controlling parent mode and I expect part of your response to this has been your rebellious child coming to the fore.

I think a tipping point is coming, where you have to decide whether he can ever change and if not, whether you want this life for your future. Him being away for long periods won't solve the problem at source; a different marriage or a separation might though.

Think his stepkids comments about him are highly instructive.

He was likely the cause of his first marriage imploding; he caused it to end through his behaviours. Also his alcohol consumption and depressive episodes may well be linked; alcohol as well acts as a depressant and he may well be self medicating with alcohol.

So what do you get out of this relationship now, what keeps you with him?.

Him supposedly working hard and being completely trustworthy have nothing to do with your situation now. You have given over a lot of power to him and so he gets what he wants out of this relationship.

He is certainly a life draining whiney arse and will not be happy till he has bled you dry.

You are 43 - where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

If a man ever called me a lying cunt it would be the last thing he said to me.

Good post Charbon

He's a miserable git who doesn't want you to have a life of your own, and who drinks too much. He gives you no emotional support at a time when you need it (birth family). You have no children together - just leave. Why would you stay? Habit?

thanks all.. and Charbon, I do appreciate the comments..

I had a long talk with my MIL this afternoon which is why I havent been back to the thread until now, and she is at a loss as to what the best way to deal with him is too. She even said that if I walk out, I am more than welcome to go to her... which also speaks volumes. She also confirmed that he was this bad in his first marriage and his ex did not cheat, she just got utterly fed up of him.

She told me to just carry on living my life how I want to live it and if he didnt like it then that his is problem, and he needs to deal with it.

His paranoid behaviour impacts at work for him too, and he is very good at playing the victim and it is all "everyone is out to get me".. it is very very wearing.

In answer to Charbon, I am quite anti-(extreme) feminism and yes, I do tend to shout loudly on those threads, but believe me, I am not a stepford wife .

I would have no issue with cooking his dinner every night if I am at home, but the problem is that he would rather starve than cook his own if I am not there, and it is the pure bone idleness that winds me up more than anything. I am quite traditional in some ways, but it has to work on both sides, I am more than happy to do the ironing and cooking if he would fix the broken tiles in the kitchen and sort the bedroom ceiling out that has needed doing for months.. but this equality just isnt there. And yes, I have just about reached breaking point now.

I wont walk out though. It is my home, that I have furnished (mostly paid for myself), and I like it, apart from the jobs that need doing. I told him at the weekend, if he isnt happy then he can go, I am not going anywhere.

I dunno, I really dont.. I know I need to be able to vent somewhere and get my thoughts together though as I am starting to question my own sanity lately, and thats not good. I have taken years to get to being confident after a very abusive relationship, and I refuse to go down that road again albeit with mental/emotional abuse.

Flim - is it at all possible that she is reluctant to up and leave through fear of the fallout? The OP has told us that her husband's father committed suicide and seemingly the son shares many of the late father's characteristics - depression, controlling behaviour, paranoia etc. Maybe the OP is afraid that her husband would go down that route. Is that a reason to stay when your life is being made a misery? I don't know - I'm not sure any of us really know what we'd do in that situation.

The way that he is reminds me a lot of my Ex. He was abusive. He constantly comments about how i'm always 'going out and getting pissed' when in reality i hardly go out, it just seems a lot to him because he NEVER goes out. He would also expect me to cook his tea for him EVERY night, then complain about what i had cooked.

Its very wearing living with someone like that. They are constantly trying to make you feel bad for doing things that you enjoy, and would rather you sat at home bored out of your mind whilst they ignore you.

As cliche as it sounds, you have to remember that you do only live once, and you have to decide if this is how you want to live.

My Ex moved out recently, and although i am struggling to come to terms with being alone, i know that in the long run, we made the right decision to split. Since he has gone i have also been able to have more of a social life, as its not up to him what i do anymore, and i don't have to deal with his abuse when i want to go out, or when i come back in from having been out.

Is he the kind of man who would respond to an ultimatum?

I see this as two people with very hard and fast views about male and female life-roles coming together, living a life that suited them as individuals and as a couple and never questioning their 'traditionalism' because they both got something from the arrangement. You might not have been a stepford wife, but you've got very strong views on what men should do versus women, regardless of the fact that logically women are not inherently better at cooking and ironing - and men are not born gifted at DIY.

It seems that belatedly, you are realising that this has never been an equitable marriage that played to your strengths as individuals - and instead it's a familiar story about a woman doing repetitive work daily and a man who is too lazy to undertake occasional but necessary repairs. What I'm also suggesting is that it's never surprising in a traditional marriage with old-fashioned roles like this, to find that it extends to a man's expectations that his wife is property and should do as she's told.

I want you to consider the context of that squeaky because your husband's behaviour doesn't surprise me at all. I expect it's only got a bit worse because he's frightened, but the biggest change is in you.

I don't think it's going to be resolved by saying you're not going anywhere and if he doesn't like it he can go. That still means staying with a man who polices your movements and calls you names.

If my husband ever called me a c*, I would only have one word for a reply, 'divorce'. If his respect for me is non-existant by saying that then, as far as I'm concerned, our marriage would drop down dead there and then.