Advice for friend

[bumbagsnbananaslides]

i have ran out of advice for my friend so thought i would post here for her,to get someone else s prospective

my friend has been in a relationship with her DP for 10 years
she is 25 years younger than him
at the start things were good,moved in together after a year
4 years in she fell pregnant,she was thrilled, her DP was not so thrilled, lots of arguments about his XW and DC who were over 18 at the time, he said his XW would be devastated and his DC wouldnt be happy,they never accepted the relationship and still dont

he kept on at her to have a termination saying it was the best thing to do,i tried to convince her to keep baby,said they had been together 4 years and it had nothing to do with XW and his DC would eventually come round

she had the termination,her DP gave her no support during this time,they argue constantly and for the past few years she said there is no affection from him,he wont kiss,cuddle or talk to her about anything,she said if she hints to have sex he fob her off,she said if she touches him he physically flinches

she has recently had an op and been told she cant have DCs naturally,again he has not been supportive,if she asks about having DCs he wont say that he wants them he ll just say "i want whatever u want "

i have tried my best to advise her, from saying leave him,to say this or that to him but whenever she tries to talk to him he ll accuse her of starting an argument

i have told her truthfully that if my DP asked my to have a termination for whatever reason , i doubt i would be able to stay with him

i have ran out of advice, ive said i wish she would leave him and start over again ,she s still only young

How horrible for your friend. However, unfortuately for you, there is no easy way to open someone's eyes to the appalling truth about their partner if they are convinced they love them. They usually have to work it out for themselves. It's very frustrating & upsetting to have to watch this train-smash carried out in front of you but there's not a lot you can do.

I have two suggestions. First is to simply not engage in any conversation about her relationship or personal problems relating to her DP. Since you've already been truthful with her you should shut her down on the basis of 'You know my opinion. It's none of my business and I don't feel I can to talk about it'. Bizarre as it may sound, there are some people who quite enjoy rehearsing their woes as an attention-seeking exercise. No intention of resolving their problems and aren't looking for solutions. They just want to drag you down and, if you say 'enough', you deprive them of that attention.

Second suggestion is less brutal and it involves getting her to voluntarily admit that she is with a shit man. :) Means you employ open question techniques that steer her into admitting the problems rather than lecture or tell her what she should do. So you turn questions back like 'How do you feel about his refusal to give you any affection?'... 'Why do you think he flinches when you touch him?'.... 'What do you think motivates him to turn everything into an argument?'... 'Are you happy?'.... 'Do you think he is ever going to change?'... etc. See how it works? If she answers those questions honestly she has to confront the truth, even if she opts to do nothing about it. For many, that's progress.

to be honest i would find it really hard to tell her i cant talk about it anymore, we both turn to each other for advice

i have told her though that i cant think of anything else to say to her as ive ran out of ideas

ive also tried the approach of turning the questions to her , she does answer them truthfully , she tells me she s not happy ,she doesnt think he will ever change etc

she said she would leave but wouldnt no where to start, i suggested she moves back in with her DM till she gets back on her feet

she definatly knows she s in a crap relationship,i advised her to write a list of pro s and cons of the relationship and she said she couldnt think of any pros

i just think if she stays with him another 5-10 years she ll be utterly depressed and they will just be 2 people living together nothing more,she has started sleeping in another room so its already heading that way

i think your right though ill just have to leave her too it, i would just feel like a crap mate though if i didnt help her but there is not a lot more i can do

You would not be a crap mate if you left her to it. We all feel obliged to help people we care about who are in trouble. However, she is not being a good friend if she thinks it's OK to constantly expose you to her problems, ask for your advice, ignore the advice, reject the support and do nothing constructive for what sounds like a lot of years. All she's doing is making herself feel a little better by offloading but making you feel bad. That's not a good friend.... that's a user.

Shut the conversation down therefore.... Offer nothing more than 'so what are you going to do about it?' and if the answer is 'nothing' then there is nothing more to talk about.

Is your friend's marriage recognised in the UK?

If so, she'll find a wealth of information here www.gov.uk - click on Births Deaths Marriages & Care and then click on Marriages Civil Partnershps & Divorce

Apologes - please ignore above, posted on wrong thread