he's a sulker

[putonyourredshoes]

DH and I have been married for about 15 years and we have a 4 year old DD.

We have always had a very close relationship where we enjoy each other's company more than being with other people. That's not to say we don't have a social life or anything just that we are best friends as much as anything else.

HOWEVER ... as I am now part of the school mums group I am starting to have a wider and different social circle to him. I am probably the more social one of the two of us and I'm enjoying being with new people. He does understand this and hasn't made any fuss - not least because it means I do all the parties and school fete stuff so he doesn't have to!

He has got stuck in rut though, and wants to spend his evenings watching TV which I totally dislike. I have got in contact with some old friends on Facebook so have recently started talking to them online which has meant a few arguments about me spending too much time on laptop.

But now the crunch - we moved away but his family and my friends are still in the same area. So when we visit his family at Christmas I would like to go out for an evening with them without him. There is nothing in the least unreasonable about this as far as I can see.

However, he has got in a complete miff and left this morning banging doors and not talking or listening. He will now sulk for god knows how long. Then eventually he probably will accept it but the whole thing will be spoiled.

How can I handle this sulking? Is there anything to get a sulker out of its temper? Or what tactics for not being affected by it.

Or anything really, just perhaps a place to vent.

ALWAYS ignore sulking completely and do exactly as you please. Do not change your plans or all that achieves is to demonstrate this brattish behaviour succeeds in controlling your movements. Do not try to jolly him out of it because that is rewarding bad behaviour with extra attention. If he wants to talk about the impasse, that would be a mature approach, but the silent treatment is unacceptable. BTW... gruding acceptance of your plans is a continuation of the sulking.

As for not being affected.... trickier. You are affected because it's bloody miserable living with an overgrown toddler that thinks it's OK to act this way. "You're being a PITA and I'm paying no attention to you until you straighten your face and apologise...." or similar is the only phrase you really need.

Thank you! But he won't see that he's sulking and will just think I'm being unreasonable.

And I hate it when he storms around slamming doors and generally upsetting the house. DD and animals, he doesn't like the animals anyway just tolerates them.

In your shoes I would tell him to stop slamming doors - that is aggressive childish behaviour and isn't acceptable from a grown adult who is supposed to be a parent.

As for the sulking I agree with Cogito - just pretend he isn't sulking. I did this with my mother (who could win the Sulking Olympics) and though it made things worse at first (she sulked for longer) eventually she saw I wasn't going to break and just gave up. She doesn't sulk around me at all any more.

Yanbu. Go out with your friends from home if you like. He's not your life coach or your boss. If he feels slighted, then I cannot stress enough that that is his problem. He is being unreasonable.

He is probably threatened by your new found social enthusiasm. That does not mean it is your job to pacify him. You will only end up curtailing your fun to placate him. Then his sulking will have served him well and he will be rewarded.

You just tell him what your plans are, and be otherwise normal. Don't pity him. To sit in and watch tv is his choice. To not do that is yours. He's doesn't get more say, and he certainly shouldn't feel entitled to punish you by being emotionally abusibe, slamming around, sulking, and making his ire pervade everything. It's not his call. Don't accept it.

If ignoring it escalates his behaviour, and results into him shifting the blame for the unpleasantness onto you, then you might consider if this marriage is worth it.

It seems small, but actually, what he's doing is really rotten behaviour.

He will see that he is sulking OP. He knows fine what is going on...he is creating the whole situation after all!
Don't be fooled into thinking you have started this. No matter how he manages to twist perspective, so that he is the victim and therefore has the right to be angry and upset with you, you must stick to what your rationl mind knows to be true. You are not being unreasonable.
To make a date to see friends on a visit to your home town is fair fucking dos.

I think ignoring the sulking is probably the way to go -- but I'm not sure you should ignore things like slamming doors and being aggro in the house. That's really unacceptable to do such things in front of your DD.

You say he is your best friend, have you had a real heart to heart about how things have changed? You say you've had arguments, but have you really talked about how you both feel about things?

To be clear, I think he's being totally unreasonable. But sulking is resentment and perhaps if he can express that resentment directly, it will clear the air.

Whatever happens, don't let it spoil your night. But does this happen often?

Does he raise his voice at you? Shout?

Definitely don't put up with the door-slamming and upsetting children and animals ... what is he some stroppy teen? Of course he'll think you're unreasonable. It's the classic adolescent whine "It's so unfaaaiiiiirrrr ...!!" Were you quite young when you got together 15+ years ago?

You said originally that you enjoy each other's company more than anything else. I think what's actually been going in is that he is extremely insecure, sees you as exclusively his & no-one else's, struggles with your wanting to be with other people and this has tripped over into a rather nasty possessive behaviour pattern more typical of a teenage boyfriend than a partner of 15+ years. It's not a good personality trait.

The door slamming is not the result of his being so grossly offended he can't control himself. I'm sure he doesn't behave like that in front of his friends and family, or at work. It's designed to intimidate you and show you who's boss. He does it front of the children and animals because he knows that's what is going to hit you the hardest, and so provoke a reaction from you that he can rail further against.
He's letting you know what he is capable of. Believe him.

Yes, what you have all said in last few posts does make sense. Apart from the fact I was 25 and he was 32 but everything else yes.

No, he's generally not aggressive and I am more likely to shout than him. What you say Cogito about tripping over into behaviour explains things more than just a nasty personality. Yes, it's definitely a situation I have helped create and resentment could well have built up on his part which I have been unsympathetic about.

OK, one of us has to do something, hopefully he'll come home in a reasonable frame of mind and we can talk. If not then I'll ignore until he will speak to me. God I hope he does though, it's bloody horrible being around someone who just grunts at you.

I don't know how to broach the slamming and shouting though? When it happens I don't really want to provoke anything, not that he is violent but that everyone has a tipping point and I don't know where his is anymore.

If I speak about that when he's reasonable he'll either deny it is that bad or will agree not to do it, and then will do it the next time.

Sometimes when he shouts at my dog I tell him not to as he sounds really brutish and horrible, so sometimes he does agree but it is just that he sounds rough more than that he is rough.

I didn't mean I let him shout at my dog continually!

No no no - you have not helped create this situation at all. None of this is of your doing.

You say I don't know how to broach the slamming and shouting though? When it happens I don't really want to provoke anything, not that he is violent but that everyone has a tipping point and I don't know where his is anymore.

So he does shout then? And you're not sure whether or not you're safe - is what you're basically telling us. You are afraid to provoke him when it happens. So this happens often enough for you have learned to adjust your behaviour out of fear.

What you are experiencing is not normal OP.

It seems like that when you write it like that. Fuck. If I read it from anyone else I would agree. Fuck.

This is a man nearly 50 years-old behaving this way? If he is behaving jealously and possessively that is not a situation you have 'helped create'. If he's resentful, it's entirely his problem and not yours. Slamming doors, upsetting children, creating a nasty atmosphere, denying the behaviour and sulking are aggressive acts deliberately manufactured so that he gets his own way and you change your plans. I'm sorry but it's emotional abuse whether that concept sits comfortably with you or not.

How to broach the slamming, shouting etc. Very simple. You say as firmly and unequivocally as you can manage 'Slamming doors is childish behaviour. You're frightening our child. It is unacceptable. You will not make me cancel the visits to my friend by acting this way. It has to stop or you'll have to step out of this family until you can learn to behave like an adult'. As uncompromising as that. It is not provocation (unless he is extremely unreasonable) but it is then his choice whether he stops behaving like a spoilt brat or whether he bows out.

People who sound rough, are usually rough. People who are unreasonably nasty to animals are not nice people.... they are taking advantage of something small and weak that can't answer back. Please don't be like your dog. Stand up for yourself.

You're right OP...fuck indeed.

I am trying to help you btw. I could (from personal experience) guide you through this current meltdown, but another one will come along soon enough.

I don't know now. I am probably still just a bit upset from this morning and writing crap.

He's only shouted at my dog a few times and never at our daughter. I wouldn't let him do anything to my dog and he never would do anything to our daughter.

I think it's just me who annoys him! I genuinely don't know what to do. I think I'll take my dog out and have a think about things.

Thanks so much for listening and not telling me I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thanks truly.

No no no -- none of this is your fault!

What I said about resentment -- that is his problem being resentful, and he's unreasonable to feel that way. I was just suggesting talking as a way to get it out in the open and discuss it rather than deal with passive-aggressive behaviour.

But the more you write, this seems less like an isolated problem and more a problem with his overall personality and behaviour.

I think it's telling that he doesn't admit he has done anything wrong or minimises it. I mean, none of us are perfect, but most people will at least later say, hey I was out of line and I'm sorry, and take steps not to do it again.

I am also really shocked he is late 40s. It's very childish behaviour.

I think you need to have a really serious conversation with him. The dynamics need to change, if he's not willing to do that then I think you have think about what you want to do.

How is he with your DD?

Those of us who have escaped similarly emotionally abusive relationships know how you feel. You believe the other person's behaviour is mostly your fault. You believe they are driven by love for you that causes them to be so possessive. You wonder if you were a different kind of wife/partner and didn't present so many challenges they wouldn't be so annoyed all the time. You doubt your judgement over simple things like visiting friends or having your own pursuits because you get such a negative reaction. Ultimately, you gradually start to adjust your behaviour to accommodate the person pulling your strings.... second-guessing their reaction, saying no to things that they won't like, hoping the sulk/mood lifts and you get the nice version of them back. You never do just as you please any more.

It will be just you that annoys him because you're the principal one he's trying to control. He may never 'do' anything to your dog or your DD in a physical sense but shouting, rough behaviour and door-slamming are upsetting them already... that's bad enough.

Enjoy your walk with the dog. It's not too late to combat this behaviour but the first step is understanding clearly what's going on and what impact it is having on you.

None of what you have written is at all crap!. What you have here is a very real problem - him. You have not caused this situation to arise but abuse like this is so insidious in its onset that I daresay you have not noticed. I would have to tell you as well that such men do not change; you are seeing the real him. You in turn adjust your behaviour to fit in with him or try to.

He does not have to hit you to be aggressive; he is already being passive aggressive by slamming doors, shouting at your poor dog and sulking incessantly within the family home.

You know what - the only acceptable level of abuse is NONE. Yep, none.

What he has done and continues to do is completely unacceptable, not just to say emotionally abusive. You get the brunt of all this, he does not act like this in front of family, work colleagues and or friends does he?. This is at heart about power and control; he wants absolute over you. I think you grew up and emotionally he remains stuck in teenage years.

On a wider level this is not a good relationship model for your DD to be following as she is learning from you both as to how relationships are conducted. Her Dad in particular is certainly imparting her damaging lessons.

x-post

Ok maybe, at heart, he is just really annoyed by you, by your new social life and everything else. That's not really reasonable but, okay, we're allowed to have our feelings.

What is not acceptable is the way he is dealing with it. He needs to grow up and talk about things, not be all shouty and sulky.

I think it would be good to make this distinction when you talk to him.

In a way it's about reestablishing expectations and boundaries. I guess you can't really tell your spouse they can't ever be annoyed with you (although one would hope they don't get annoyed about perfectly normal things). But you can definitely tell them that certain behavoiur is not acceptable.

Yes OP it's dreadful and bleak to glance the truth...but with clarity you will feel totally liberated.

Do some reading up on emotional abuse. xxx