Check list before the divorce destruction ball starts to swing

[AllIWantForXmasIsJewels]

My friend, who is staring down the very real prospect of divorce like a rabbit in headlights, needs a check list of what she should be doing to protect herself. Her H ('you never let me be the Hunter a man needs to be', 'everyone in France has a mistress') is going away on a work trip tomorrow and i want her to use the time wisely and get photocopying etc. What should she be looking for?

Also, he wants her to stay living locally until the youngest reaches 5 as 'he's read the research' and then leave the area, don't worry she was snorting at that one. However, what parenting agreement should she be setting out with children 6,3 and just 1? The do not have financial issues and have two cars. She is looking for a job.

Are they in France? I may be wrong, but it think in England that copies of bank accounts and such like taken without the account holder's permission are inadmissible?

Joint stuff, no problems at all.

Hey Jewels

There are three separate issues here: the divorce itself, the children and the financial matters. A good family lawyer will deal with them at the same time but they are separate.

Firstly, the divorce -it's actually a relatively straightforward process in itself, she will need about 6 examples of his 'unreasonable behaviour' such as 'He had an inappropriate relationship with a woman, or he made me feel unappreciated and unloved'. If she wants the divorce to be amicable they can be toned down to make things easier. The divorce petition costs £340 to file at court. At this stage a document called a Statement of Arrangements for Children will also be completed which states where the children will be living, with whom and what the contact arrangements are for the other patent. These will then be served by the court on your friend's husband/ his solicitor and he will have to complete a form to say he acknowledges them. Once that form has been received by your friend's solicitor she can apply for decree nisi. It is at this stage that the finances need to be sorted out...

If it is possible for this to be done amicably they will both save thousands in legal fees. The first step is a voluntary exchange of financial disclosure - bank statements, pay slips, P60's, savings info, pensions, everything that is relevant. At this stage on side can make an offer and the back and forthing starts. A good solicitor will make sure your friend gets her share. Mediation is an option at this point as well, if she thinks this is a viable option she can speak to lawyer. She would need to be in the same room as her ex - it can be done on a 'shuttle' basis. If agreement can be reached - brilliant. If not court is the other option but it is always expensive.

Until the finances have been resolved, the divorce won't be finalised (if dh drops dead she is better off being his widow!).

Thirdly, the dc's. I'm afraid it is possible for her ex to apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to stop your friend from removing them from the area. She would have to have a strong case for doing so if he went down that route - moving closer to family, better job options etc. once again her solicitor will assist with this and I would strongly suggest she uses his absence as an opportunity to speak to someone - many family lawyers offer a free first appointment and she could get some advice about her position without commuting to anything.

Crickey - I'm sorry, I didn't realise how much I had written. I hope it helps though. Good luck to your friend x

*She would not need to be in the same room...

Sorry, typing on my phone!

Hetty thank you, that was very informative. Sadly, she's not in France nor here. Do you need a marriage certificate to start divorce proceedings? She lives in Dubai.

She needs to get hold of a lawyer really... British, obviously. Not necessarily to start the divorce but to get the information she needs. I don't know if they are happy to run a consultation over the phone as she's in another country but that would be my advice whilst she's got some time to herself. Talk to the professionals rather than guessing.

It's so hard because I'm so far away and she is really just stunned. She doesn't want to admit it's over but the fact he won't join them over their christmas holiday makes it obvious to me. Plus his ridiculous remarks.

Solicitor/lawyer. I know how she must be feeling. As well as the hurt and the shock, there is a certain surreal quality when you realise it's over and it's easier to pretend it isn't happening. Similarly there's a cold finality when you find yourself looking up divorce lawyers in the Yellow Pages. But if she's alone in another country with someone who seems to think he only has to say 'jump' and she's supposed to ask 'how high?' then she has to cut to the chase and start getting the big guns lined up on her side....

Yep, you're right. It's time for legal advice.

Is your friend's marriage recognised in the UK?

If so, she'll find a wealth of information here www.gov.uk - click on Births Deaths Marriages & Care and then click on Marriages Civil Partnershps & Divorce and there's no reason why she can't get in first start the ball rolling online.

Why not advise her to post her own thread here and on the Legal matters board?

is she married to someone who is a citizen of Dubai, as in many countries in Middle East custody is automatically with Father except very young children,

Will she be back in the UK for Christmas? Are they both UK citizens? She really needs some advice on the best place to apply for a divorce, I don't know anything about the legal system in Dubai but, on the whole, Shariah law is not particularly wife-friendly. She might be far better off applying for the divorce in the UK.

She might also find that once they are divorced she will not be allowed to stay in Dubai if her visa is linked to her H's working visa.