How to be a good mum when you didn't have one?

[WhatAGoat]

I have been having serious trouble sleeping since my beautiful dd was born 3 months ago not because she doesn't sleep because I worry so much about damaging her like mother did to me.

During my parents divorce I decided to live with my father because I didn't want him to be alone. Both my siblings went with mother so it seemed the right thing to do.

After I made this decision she disowned me and refuse to speak to me. At 13 I was confused and angry.

We have had very little contact since then and the contact we have had has made me feel miserable and confused. Both my siblings have mental health issues which stem from living with mother. Luckily I dont have issues to the same level as them.

Mother did try contact during my pregnancy but it just raised my anxiety levels so I stopped seeing her. I also didn't understand why she didn't want contact with me until she found out about dd.

After my baby was born mother turned up uninvited to my home. I let her in to see dd but then polite said she shouldn't turn up unannounced. She raised her voice at me and told me I was selfish and she needed to see my dd. I was so shocked at her talking about what she needed when I had just had a baby ffs.

I obviously have abandonment issues and also have a very negative view on mothers in general as I don't really know any but my own.

I don't want to be anything like mother or for my dd to ever feel unloved like I did. This is resulting in me feeling guilty when leaving her even when she is asleep I don't like to leave the room. I do leave her with dp and df but I feel so terrible.

I know I am an amazing mother dd is chatty and smiley. Everyone says I am brilliant with her and I know she thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread but I'm sure I thought that about mother at one stage.

Forgot to mention my grandmother disowned one of her children to so it seems like a pattern. I want to make sure I stop it in this generation but how?

Thank you all for the lovely replies I'm feeling very reassured that I won't be like her.

I agree this is not a much talked about topic I know no one in rl who has mother issues so I feel no point talking with them about it as they don't understand. Thank god for mn

I have not received counselling as I find myself unable to express myself verbal I find it embarrassing for some reason

Dharma that is a particularly lovely and helpful post.
I especially like that you are realistic. Your mum wasn't perfect but she was/is brilliant.
Very reassuring.

I wanted to echo Dharma - my mother had a rotten time; a boozy, depressed mother who never got out of bed. My mum consciously chose to refuse the path - her mother never got out of bed, so mum was always up before us; just one example.

Her mothering style was to bombard us with love, even when we were stroppy teenagers.

She now has three grown up daughters who ADORE her. Seriously totally adore her. I speak to her at least once, if not twice a day, and my DH proposed on top of a mountain so I'd have to wait an hour or two before I could ring her.
It is entirely possible to change it. It's a choice, and you've already made it, by recognizing the possibility of creating your own family, your own way of doing things. At the risk of sounding like a shit 80s popster, it really is all about love.