unsure what to do

[definatlylosingmysanity]

I'm sure i already know the answer to this but I don't quite trust how i feel at the moment due to hormones (24 weeks pg) and the fact I'm still quite angry and upset and i don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

If during arguments a partner did these things would you keep trying to work things out or say enough is enough and walk away?

When knowing they are in the wrong, bringing up an old argument that was meant to be sorted and they had said on numerous occasions that wasn't to be brought up yet getting upset and accusing you of "bringing up the past and trying to start an argument" when your trying to explain why you are upset with them (earlier that day or day before if its the first chance to try and explain things properly).

Ending the relationship often by text after an argument then a few hours later texting sorry with "reasons" of feeling ill or tired or just taking a bad mood on you then acting like nothing has happened and accusing you of being in a mood when your still upset over what has happened.

When we don't argue things can be good between us he hasn't tried to rush things and has understood i wanted to take our time, he's not a lazy person, we don't live together but when he is here he pitches in with everything and i know he does work hard. He's good with my dc's, he makes time for each of them to chat and play and from the begining he's let them go to him and took their lead on how best to interact iykwim.

I've not had the best time in relationships in the past and part of me is worried I'm projecting problems from my past onto this relationship, but its getting to the point of where I'm starting to worry to say how i feel over things in case it leads to an argument and tbh I'm not sure if this is how an normal adult relationship is supposed to be like.

I do love him and i know relationships take work its just that this is happening and even though we have spoke about living together its not an option until this is sorted i refuse to have my dc's in a house where there is going to be threats of leaving or relationships ended because he isn't feeling great or in a bad mood.

I don't know how to approach him about this due to the worry of an argument especially leading to his "goodbyes" but at the same time the fact he does this it doesn't feel right if that makes sense. I feel all over the place at the moment his last goodbye was yesterday (it was my birthday and I'm still going from being upset and angry about it).

I'm sorry for long post I'd just like a bit outside perspective as i don't totally trust my judgement at the moment.

In my experience good relationships are not such hard work, they should feel easy and as if the two people involved add positive things to one another's lives. They have their ups and downs but they don't need to be 'worked at' all the time.

Constant arguing and ending things by text etc sounds more like the kind of relationships people have when they are quite young and immature. What sort of age are you both? I'm guessing you are not teenagers if you already have children.

Can I ask how come you are having a baby when you don't live together and have such a tempestuous relationship? It all sounds very difficult and no wonder you are feeling low. In any relationship you should be able to communicate with one another on an adult level and you shouldn't feel worried about broaching subjects or feel you have to tiptoe around areas in case it triggers off a load of drama.

Thank you for the reply the baby wasn't planned we were using contraception but it didn't work. I'm early 30's and he's late 30's.

I think you should get some therapy for yourself,it will help in making you understand yourself and what you want for yourself and baby.once you know this your relationship will be sorted one way or the other.please comment on my Ii it worth waiting post

Constant retracted threats to end a relationship is a recognised form of emotional abuse. It is intended to induce fear in a partner and cause that person to walk on eggshells and suppress perfectly justificable grievances in case it results in disproportionate anger and threats of abandonment.

I expect that this has got worse since you became pregnant and therefore more vulnerable.

He presumably ruined your birthday. Don't give him the opportunity to ruin any more. Your radar that this is a destructive relationship is absolutely on the money.

Well done and get heading for those hills.

Ahh, definatly these things happen but it must be really hard for you and you must be all over the place with all the hormones. I am really surprised that he is in his late thirties. How does he feel about the baby and what support is he giving you? Has he had many other long term relationships and does he have any other children? Sorry for all the questions but it helps give a better picture so that I can advise you better.

I am off to bed now but will check back here in the morning, try not to worry too much. These things have a way of working themselves out one way or another.

Please can you comment on my post
Is it worth the wait

Thank you for the replies.

I have had therapy for the past couple of years due to my previous relationships being abusive . I felt it was needed to try help me know when things weren't right and help me understand the signs so i knew when to get out.

The alarm bells are ringing i just couldn't be sure if i was over reacting and if i was making issues of things that were "normal" actions iykwim.

This is his first child he wanted me to end the pregnancy at first but i couldn't go through with it. He came with me to the hospital appointment but i ran out crying he told me it was my choice in what i did.

When i told him i was keeping the baby he said he needed time to think and after a few days said he'd support us. He has been to both scans and says he'll come to an extra one where they need to check where the placenta is.

He hasn't help get anything for the baby but says he will. He asks how im feeling and how my dc's are but hasn't asked if i felt baby move or when my midwife appointments are.

He is new to parenting

In that case I am concerned.i had a child at 19 from an abusive relationship. I was young but I left.my ex husband took my child like his own and she is great.men can come and go but you and your child will last

I'd be cautious of this man, after reading how he's controlling the relationship in terms of it's off, it's on & agree it's a warning sign of an abusive relationship.

In fact I agree that it is a form of abuse, however, I think it is sometimes used by people as a form of exasperation when they aren't used to LTR's & they struggle to communicate/ express themselves in a manner that's appropriate.

I think your DP sounds very immature & spoilt OP & as a woman who is 39 weeks pg, I truly empathise with you.

My DP didn't get that life changed during pregnancy & thought it ok to bugger off for a couple of rowdy weekends, whilst I was left home, miserable & seething at his total lack of empathy for my situation but we talked & talked and eventually he 'got it' iyswim & the changes in him are extraordinary.

My DP had been single for years before we got together. Had no responsibilities & was living it up. He's a different man now & he's proved his mettle.

I shared my story as I was so frustrated at tsome of the behaviours my DP displayed that I wondered if we had a future. Only you know your DP's background (or you may not but you'll know more than us). Is he needing to grow up, if so, do you think he will or is this an abusive, controlling individual?

Thank you for the replies, i have though a lot about what has been said and tonight spoke to him and bit the bullet so to speak.

I have told him the bringing up past arguments and the ending the relationship and taking it back was really hurtful and that i wasn't going to put up with it. His response was that he does it when hes frustrated in arguments and doesn't know what else to say.

I have told him i accept his explanation but if he does it again then that will be it and the relationship will end and the only contact we will have will be over the baby. I have an antenatal appointment on Tuesday and we have agreed that as i have childcare for that day for my dc's we will go to a cafe before hand to chat about the problems we seem to have with communication and see if we can find away where we can talk things through without it escalating into arguments.

I'm hoping things work out but at same time i'm preparing myself in case i do have to walk away. Its just a bit scary as this is the first relationship where i have taken control before it has gotten to the stage where it has either become abusive or beyond repair.

Anyway just want to say thank you for the advice