Withdrawal

[cannotchooseaname]

Hi all, I post quite frequently on MN (never in relationships until now!) but I have name changed.

Myself and my husband have been together 6 years, married for 5, we have a DD who is 18 months, before her we sadly suffered an eptopic pregnancy which resulted in me loosing a fallopian tube.
We went on to have DD and she is an absolute delight. We had decided on having two children (DH is one of 21 and wanted a small family!), should we be able, but after a horrible pregnancy, birth- resulting in a emergency section and a huge amount of blood loss requiring transfusions and a week in hospital and a bout of PND we decided to just stick with the one child. We are both happy with this decision however DH is terrified of me falling pregnant again.

I have a coil fitted but he still withdraws when we have sex I find it extremely frustrating. I have tried to talk about this with him but I know he doesn't want to talk about it as it is like trying to get blood out of a stone.

My GP will not put me forward for sterilisation as I am under 30, which there is a higher rate of failure and of changing your mind. My DH hates even coming into contact with a doctor to even get antibiotics, for example and is terrified of anything medical (long hospital stay and lots of operations and procedures when younger after being caught in an explosion) so feels unable to have a vasectomy.

I just don't know how to sort this issue out and I am hoping you can bestow some advice on me.

Thanks, and sorry for the length

Asking the obvious, but why won't he use condoms instead?

If you are sure you want sterilised then go back to your doctors and insist on being referred, i was only 24 with two kids and knew without a doubt i did not want anymore. It took a year (from when i was 23) but he put me forward, i had to convince the surgeon i was serious, she was lovely and even came into see me before the operation to try and talk me out if it, i have never regretted it.

Lueji, we do sometimes use condoms but to be honest I can't stand them.

I just feel it isn't as intimate? A few times when we have used a condom he still withdrew- habit maybe?

I may keep going back to the GP then and make a pest of myself! I am 26 now and had the coil so that when it was time to be removed I would be able to be put forward to be sterilised.

why doesn't he go have a vasectomy ?

it sounds like your body has done enough

sorry, missed your explanation about why he won't have a vasectomy

well, I'm a hard-faced cow (nooo! I hear you all chorus...) but really ? A vasectomy is hardly even a medical procedure. They were doing them in the back of big trucks on the carpark of a furniture superstore, last time I looked.

Really AFD???Blimey!

Vasectomies in backs of trucks on superstore carparks ? Oh yes.

You do require a medical referral however. Otherwise, would quite fancy setting up a service myself

I know a vasectomy is quite a simple procedure and believe me I have tried to talk about this with him but he just can't. He comes over all pale and shaky going to get some antibiotics for a chest infection.

This is also the man who fainted during a scan and hit his nose on a table and ended up in A&E getting 6 stitches!!

here you go

Well you learn something new on MN everyday!

Sounds like he's been pretty traumatised by what happened to you too, and is terrified of getting you pregnant again. With a coil, you really shouldn't need any other form of contraception, it should be fine. Can you pursuade him of this? Otherwise can only suggest some counselling for him, or possibly you both together. If the coil suits you, I wouldn't change contraceptive in the hope it would fix things, as it might not.

Indeed, ike

A work colleague of mine had the snip on the car park of Courts furniture store, round the back of the yellow bins

What would happen if you did get pregnant? Would you have an abortion, or would you want to try your luck and hope it's better than last time? Maybe you need to talk about this scenario more so you both have a clear understanding where you're at.

He's unwilling to accept the miniscule chance of a coil failing, or the very solid reasons why a vasectomy solves so much trouble for all concerned (especially him!). TBH it sounds like he isn't very rational and is reacting out of some kind of phobia or something. It's hard for anyone to give advice that will help in that situation.

I was sterilised and told at the time it wasn't as effective as the coil or condom, that was in my later 30s. I think the only way for sure would be for both of you to get sorted

I have the mirena coil and the doctor assured me it's effectiveness is comparable to sterilisation - it would be a disaster for me to fall pregnant right now, but after talking through all the options I completely trust the coil, it really is like a temporary sterilisation.

Oops posted too soon, the coils prevents pregnancy is 3 different ways, so even if 1 fails there are 2 back ups! I think you need to assure your dp how minutely tiny (practically impossible) the chance is!