What should I do about my toxic parents?

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My whole life I have had to deal with my Dad's anger issues, emotional abuse, criticism, dictating, lack of empathy, stonewalling, disapproval - god the list could go on.

My mum has always colluded with him by gaslighting - telling me that things he has done and said did not happen, that I'm crazy and that I was born like that. She was always humiliating me in front of people and seemed to relish doing so, things like taking the piss out of my clothes or hair (like when I was child and it was her who was dressing me ?!). My whole life I have felt like they have both been gunning for me and that I am not loved.

This has had a massive effect on my life. I suffer low confidence, low self esteem and poor self image. I'm in my thirties now, trying to get my life together for my young dd. My life is fuller and happier than it has ever been.

However my parents still live quite nearby and I see them reasonably often. They are besotted by my DD, their first GDD. I think they think the relationship is ok between us. I don't feel like that. I feel like I am still living the consequences of their shoddy parenting and I harbour a lot of resentment.

I can't really cut them out of my life. I am for example dependent of my DM to look after DD when I'm working.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with toxic parents? Cutting them out and disowning them is not really an option. Nor is trying to sit down to talk to them as this will cause all sorts of problems.

Would you consider counselling?

I'm currently receiving some counselling at the moment. I started it about a month ago. To be honest, I think the counselling has really dug up a lot of issues with regard to the past. I went to get some help about some crappy relationships I have had and all my problems seem to be traced back to my parents. I have harboured a lot of resentments but have just buried them until now. I just thought there is no point trying to change them (as they won't). But now the counselling has like I say dug up a whole load of shit and I am thinking of the all the crap the piled on top of me when I was growing up. I look at my own daughter and think, I would and could not ever treat her like that. They must of hated me. I suppose I feel a bit raw at the moment.

I'm not sure how to go about continuing to have a relationship with them when I feel like this. It does not feel like a proper relationship because there is no honesty.

It's great that you're in counselling, that will help. I would say that in the long run the best thing for you is to drastically reduce contact but for the time being, as you say, that's not possible due to your reliance on your mother for childcare.

In many ways since I've had my DD I have reduced contact with them. I oftenn leave when my mum arrives. And in many ways the relationship has changed, I think they see me more as an adult and it is only since she has been born that they have started to recognise boundaries.

When my mum comes round, she seems to think (or at least she'll say she does, I don;t know if she actually believes it) that we have a close mother/daughter relationship. I just feel so strongly that we don't, that there is this huge wall between us and that we will never be close unless we resolve all of these issues.

I don;t know if it would be worth trying to talk to her about how I feel. When I have done this in the past, she gets incredibly defensive and tells me its all my fault and that I'm lying and then just walks out. I feel we have a shit relationship but at the moment it is one sided in that I am the one who feels resentment towards them. I could risk causing a fall out by confronting them about some issues, at least then we would both feel shit about the relationship and I would not bear the brunt of the burden IYSWIM?

Confronting parents about things like this is a risky business. I'm getting from your posts that ideally you would like you and your mother to have the close relationship she believes you have. I think if you confront her hoping for that to happen you will be disappointed, based on your past experiences.

However if you want to confront her to just get it off your chest then it might be worth doing, but only if you're prepared for the relationship to completely break down, and for your mother to say very hurtful things, as she has done before.

For the time being it's probably best to stick with counselling and see what that brings up. I know the urge to confront is strong (I've had the same urge with my own parents) but over time as you come more to terms with everything that's happened you might find that that urge wanes a bit and you're pleased you didn't act on it.

Thanks Cailin, I think your probably right about sticking with the counselling and seeing where it takes me rather than jumping in all guns blazing. I think its just that this week's session brought a lot of stuff up for me and so like i said I feel quite raw.

Yes, ideally I would love to have a close relationship with my mum, and would also like to get things off my chest. If she could just sit there and listen and acknowledge my feelings I think that would make a massive difference. But like you say the risk is that she won't and we'll have a total break down. Perhaps I should try and accept that it is what it is and just try and detach when I'm round them. But then again that is something very difficult to do. No one upsets me more than my parents!

The process of detaching is incredibly hard. I've had to go through it with my own parents and while I've come a long way in the last few years I still have major wobbles over it sometimes. It's really really tough to face the fact that your parents are extremely flawed and that they're not going to give you what you want. But at the same time I found breaking away from them incredibly liberating. I feel much more "myself" since I've done it, if that makes sense, and in some ways I wish I'd done it a lot lot sooner, but I have to remind myself that I wasn't ready. I still sometimes get the urge to confront them. I did in fact confront my father on his own a few years ago and that brought me some satisfaction as he did sort of listen to what I said, but it didn't change anything in the long run. In spite of that I still feel more forgiving towards him than towards my mother, who I know would never accept a single word of criticism. I've just given up on the idea of ever repairing things with her. It is very sad, but there is also peace in accepting how things are and letting go of wishes and dreams that won't be fulfilled.

It sounds like you've come along way. Breaking away and liberating oneself sounds very much what I would like. I feel like I have not been able to get on with my life until I resolve this in some way.

In all honesty - and I know this will be disappointing and hard to hear - I don't think you will ever have the relationship you seek with your parents. People who can be that nasty to their own child have deep-seated issues that don't just disappear with time. Questioning someone's mental health and humiliating them is horribly abusive behaviour.

In your shoes I would be seriously thinking about how much I exposed my daughter to them and I would definitely not want to rely on them for anything but particularly for childcare - however much this might be practical in other ways. Dysfunctional people tend to pass on their dysfunction from one generation to another if you don't actively stop them. Young children are easy to love because they are biddable and offer unquestioning devotion and loyalty. The problems generally start when they start to develop their own personalities. My guess is that by letting them look after your daughter you feel less guilty about not wanting to spend time with them yourself, am I right? It is completely understandable that you feel like this but it's not a good idea in the long term. There's also the possibility that they will start to make negative comments to your daughter about you or use her against you in the future. This is quite common in abusive people.

I know this must be so hard to come to terms with. You are doing so well in going to counselling, please don't give it up however hard it is to dredge all this stuff up. Have you read Toxic Parents? You might find it very enlightening and helpful. It is natural to want to love our parents and have a good relationship with them but it isn't always possible and there is no law to say we have to get along with them if they are unpleasant people.

Good luck with everything and, if you can, keep posting.

I think your probably right CleopatrasAsp in that I probably won't ever have a decent relationship with them. I guess I should aim at being able to manage my own emotions when around them.

Before I started the counselling I had the frame of mind that I was "over" the childhood issue, that I had accepted them for what they were i.e. shit parents who were'nt necessarily capable of doing any better and that I am responsible for my own life. However the counselling has just ripped open those cans of worms again and so like I say I'm feeling really raw at the mo. All day, I've just been a bit angry and agitated, thinking of the all the rubbish things they used to do.

One thing my mum does at the moment that drives me up the wall - and it takes all my might to bite my tongue and sit on my hands when she does it - is tell me that I should communicate more with my ex DP about certain issues. Getting lectures from her about communication just makes me see red! its moments like that make me want to start shouting about all the times when I was not listened to when growing up, and how she never stood up or said anything to my Dad...