Working towards reconciliation-OW has contacted H-feel gutted

[gemrosa]

What would you do if you were me in this situation?

After a very difficult time since my DD was born 18mths ago my H and I have been living apart for 5 months. During this time my H had a serious illness for which he was hospitalised for 3 months. He is recovered now. We separated before the illness came to light and have been working on our relationship since.

A main issue which crops up for me is an affair my H had around 4 years ago, before we were married but when we were engaged and living together. I found out about this by coincidence, Im not sure if I would ever have known about it otherwise.

At the time I felt I could forgive what I was told was a brief fling, but over the years I have not been able to let it go mentally and this has always been an issue for me.

Yesterday I found this woman has sent H a facebook message, the message was to say she had heard he had been ill, hoped he was ok etc. My H replied and a long exchange of messages followed, nothing flirty but just very intimate somehow.

Whether I should have read these messages or not, I now have and just feel absolutely gutted.

I thought there was a real chance for us, all my feelings of mistrust and inferiority have risen to the surface again and I don't know what to do now.

Should I confront H about the messages? I think he will say there is nothing wrong with them messaging each other even though I have repeatedly over the years told him how hurt and betrayed I felt and still feel. He even suggests meeting up for a drink over xmas!!!

Oh gemrosa, i would feel gutted too, your hubby surely must know how much the affair hurt you, and why feel the need to revisited the past again.

What was the name topic of the messages?

If you do confront him, are you ready for the fall out.

If you choose to confront him, then tell him exactly how you feel, the affair hurt you bad, ask him why he wants to bring on that hurt again, and why feel the need to reply if it was just a brief fling.

I understand you feel gutted, and reading the messages is a sign you havent forgotten the affair. Who did you come about the messages?

*main topic, curse my typing

He even suggests meeting up for a drink over xmas!!!

Missed that bit, does he have a stupidity bug or something, because that is totally ridiculous.

I would forget about reconciling.

All that work to rescue a marriage that has always been tainted by his faithlessness?

He's going to meet his girlfriend for drinks over Christmas? How cosy.

Don't let anyone (him or anyone on here) sidetrack you with you being in the wrong for reading the messages. That's just deflecting from the main issue.

Thank u for replying, I am really trying to keep a lid on this until I decide what to do and am posting to try and stop myself flipping and doing the wrong thing...

MrsFibble there doesn't seem to be a main topic for the conversation-I have his password, he knows I go on sometimes as don't have my own fb but I have said I wouldn't read his messages...the conversation is started by her though.

stuffinunderthebed I can hardly control myself and just want to pick up the phone and go mad at him.

In my opinion it was never a brief fling, she is quite a lot younger than him (he's 35 now) and I believe he led her to believe they were having a proper relationship. God knows why she would want to get in touch, from her point of view he acted like a dick as well surely??

Reading the messages again just now, it is really him suggesting and pushing for having this drink together..not good is it?

Reading the messages again just now, it is really him suggesting and pushing for having this drink together..not good is it?

No, it really isnt, she may have just had genuine concern and may have not meant anything, although she shouldnt, it was 4 years ago,

But him pushing to have a drink with her, suggest something im sure you really dont want to think about, the fact that he knows that you go on his fb and those messages were still there, suggests that hes a bit cocky that you wont check them.

I understand the need to get mad i did when my ex was texting an ex, if you confront him, then focus on him wanting a drink with her, why would he do this if he wants to make his marriage work, dont let him think your over reacting, but i would wait until you see more contact, its better to be armed with things he cant deny.

I will leave it for now to confront him.

Tbh I don't think there will be any further contact with this woman as she is obviously in a relationship and is definitely deflecting the drink invite now I re-read the messages.

I need to just end the relationship finally I think. Its so hard though, I should have ended it 4 years ago, once the trust is gone it never comes back does it?
I just wish it could work out between us for our daughter. I thought that having a baby together would make it all alright again, cant believe I was so stupid...

gemrosa dont kick yourself for wanting to make it work, i wanted to make it work with my ex, but you get to a point all you are holding onto is cracks, you deserve more, you tried, dont beat yourself up about it.

How did she send a message to your DH? Surely if the affair was well & truly over, then she should have been blocked.

It is not OK to your DH to be friendly, or even polite to this woman. He cannot be friends with her, or even keep in touch.

Of course, unless you'd seen the messages, you'd have been in the dark, it would have been 'their' little secret.

I have very different views on reading messages, than others on here. I think in a marriage, where one partner has cheated, then the only privacy should be in the toilet. I know that trust is important in a relationship, but once that has been abused, then it has to earnt back. It is up to the betrayer to prove themselves, not the betrayed to show blind faith. Why should the betrayer be able to abuse the trust again, citing privacy to enable cheating, leaving the other party in the dark. So please don't feel bad for reading the messages. Don't let your DH turn around and use that against him... if he was being trustworthy he wouldn't know, because their would be nothing to discover.

I don't think you can trust him - sorry. Even if he really has the best intentions & only wants to be friends, then he's stupid at best.

Someone who was really invested in making their marriage work, would have not responded to her message (except to ask her to stay away maybe), and blocked her.

You're not stupid but the relationship is dead in the water. The choice is to waste more time wishing things were different or accept that things won't change and move your life along to the next phase. He's clearly got no inkling of what it means to reconcile or regain trust.

BTW... having a baby rarely helps anything. You're still the same people with the same problems, just with a third person to consider and less time to yourselves. There's a romantic notion that devious men will gaze into their newborn's eyes and be so suffused with love for them and their mother that they become reformed characters, recommitted to the relationship.... The reality is that they carry on exactly as they did before.

"Should I confront H about the messages? I think he will say there is nothing wrong with them messaging each other even though I have repeatedly over the years told him how hurt and betrayed I felt and still feel"

YES! If he really doesn't understand, or does understand and doesn't care, he isn't worth your time and effort. He needs to explain himself.

I'm still with dp who confessed to infidelities 7 months ago.

Yes the trust is going to take a long time to build again (if ever), it's work in progress at the moment.

One thing we have talked mostly about is boundaries and what is now acceptable. If this were me in your position now I would feel that your dh had overstepped the mark by not telling you that the ow had been in touch to ask how he was, this is where he crossed boundaries, keeping it a secret and so the lies and deceit start all over again

Hope you are ok, this must feel like such a blow

I don't think you will ever find ease if you do not talk to him about this.

After an affair (or with some complicated exes), the only possible basis for reconciling and going forwards is to break it off entirely and that means no contact whatsoever. And if the affair partner attempts contact, then this should be immediately disclosed and the couple make a jointly agreed response to it.

edith - that is what dH did. Every time she spoke to him in work or texted him. There can be no secret contact between them - or even any contact that isn't essential for work.

I think you have to make it clear to him what a betrayal this is. How can you make your marriage work when he's not only in contact with his OW, but wants to meet her for 'drinks'? How would it make him feel it the boot was on the other foot?

Don't let him tell you that messaging is OK, as it isn't. As Looksgood said, he should have told you she'd been in contact and made it clear to her that you are working on your marriage. He still isn't being honest.

All has to be open to the betrayed partner even years down the line, this just takes you back to square one, especially with this contact being from the ow! what was he thinking of!

I'm sorry to hear this, but it sounds like he really wanted to meet her. And I think that the quick drink may have led to him pushing for more. I can't imagine there would be any other reason to push to see someone you once had an affair with. Unless he's so deluded he thought that it would be somehow acceptable to have a friendly meet up with the woman he was once having sex with while in a relationship with you. It's a disgustingly insensitive betrayal at the very least.

why do you have to labour the point about how hurt and betrayed you feel about his affair? It should be obvious and if you have to labour the point then he's not getting it and, imo, never will. How painful that at a time when you should have been totally loved up (ie engaged), he was having an affair. He's taking the piss to enter into an in-depth to-and-fro comm with her and then pushing to meet up. I think you'd be better off out of the relationship. It will always be painful for you as he is not trustworthy imo - his actions make that clear. I'm sorry OP.