How to develop or improve relationships with other mothers?

[tazmo]

Hi not sure if anyone else has this problem. I have 3 children now and due to go back to work beg of february. I have always worked Full time but do try to make an effort to do some things (within reason) when im on mat leave, but understandably I cannot commit to doing too much at preschool, toddlers etc as my children are 4 months, 2 and 4 years old. My 4 month old will be starting to go to 2 nursery sessions in jan so I could help out eg today, mothers were going on a woodland walk today with the preschoolers. But I will be going back to work beg feb. what I worry about is a lot of the mums seem to connect and talk to each other, seem to be talking about stuff they are doing together and then of course, there are the childrens parties. Ds party was in aug, before he started preschool - but since he's started, he has only been invited to one party yet I see other mothers handing invites out yet I feel ds is misSing out due to my inability to seem to connect with other mothers.

Due to how I feel, I've not been frequenting toddlers in my town (as felt more often than not, there were little cliques and they ran together - something I don't do) - now hardly anyone really speaks to me in our village. I also didn't go to antenatal this time, as a group ended up meeting but not inviting me.

Am concerned as I have a night out on sat night which a friend invited me to from the village 3 miles away - but will see a lot of folk from my own village as I hear a group of them from toddlers are going too!

The overall worry I have is the impact all this will have on my children in the long run as I moved about quite a bit during formative years and never had lots of close friends until I went to uni. Sometimes I wish I could move away and start again - but doesn't means it's going to get easier anywhere else.

I do have a couple of people I meet up with here and I go to rhyme time and swimming so see/speak to people there - but I feel more people ignore me than stop to talk to me! Anyone else have issues like these??

Mm. I think you may be overthinking this one due to your frequent moves during childhood. People tend to be self-focused and busy. Plus at toddler stage, it is quite early to worry.

I am a SAHM with 3 DCs, 6, 4 and 1 and also a new mum at the school gate (relocation). I can count one other mum as a reliable friend so far. Everyone is welcoming. I chit chat with nannies a lot too, they are very friendly and know about all toddler groups, etc. I must have instigated two play dates so far. But I am happy with that.

If you could decide, what would be your ideal? One/Two/N mums you know well and can ask for last minute favour?

I would say that if you are happy, the kids will be happy.

I have moved a bit too as an adult (with DCs in tow), my recommendation would be to invite other mums/toddler one at a time. It breaks the clique/usual suspects dynamics. A

I think the best advice I read was 'expect to like them', it helps take the stress away from the first invite/encounter.

As a FT worker I sympathise - it is easy to feel left out when other mums who meet and chat at school gates strike up friendships and you simply don't have the opportunity. But there is an upside - you don;t get involved in the sniping which can sometimes go on. I found it gets easier as your children get older and start making more settled friendships - my dd is starting to do this and I get on we ll with the mothers and feel happy chatting to them or inviting them over. So far as parties are concerned, if numbers aren't too big, invite whole class, and invite parents to stay for tea/glass of wine.

PS: whatever strategy you deploy, it is never too late, nor do you need any justification, or to move to start anew.

A breezy, 'Aaah, youngest if finally sleeping a bit better, I feel I can just start getting organised, do you fancy tea/a walk, etc' should suffice. We all have times when we feel social or when we do not.

The school run can be vicious and cliquey, and on balance you are missing nothing except a lot of squabblings and feuds that are nasty exactly because they are so petty.

Your little 'un not getting invited to parties is distressing, but frankly this is a feature of school life generally. Our youngest is routinely omitted from what few parties there are because, well, GOK, but cliques have a lot to do with it.

In fact DD2 was recently omitted from one party because that classmate's mother was angry about something she wrongly thought our DD1 had said about her DD1. So she got even with our DD2 by punishing our DD2, by leaving her out of the party to which everyone else in the class was invited.

Spiteful, spiteful, spiteful bitch.

We got even by inviting her youngest to DD2's party anyway. We are bigger than her, so the spiteful bitch can either accept an invite she doesn't deserve, or turn it down because she'd rather fester in simmering spite.

I digress.

There's fuck all you can do, other than target those mums whose kids your kids like, and try to open a channel there. Above all, try not to fall out with anyone as kids have an annoying habit of becoming best mates with the offspring of exactly those mums.

I also work ft and I feel I miss out on things or being able to help out or even meet others - however I felt better about it when I was back in work and settled.
Mat leave was the temporary iyswim, so never wanted to strike up new friendships as I always knew I would be going back and wouldn't have time to easily maintain things.
Ds has little friends at nursery and one of my friends is a nanny. I've found it easy to stay friends with my 'friends' and ds fits in rather than those who have dc the same age.

Baby / Toddler groups are cliquey. For about a month. Then you suddenly realise that you are in the clique. I can remember being at a baby group talking to some mums who I'd seen there every week for months about dd latest sleep issue. I was vaguely aware that there were a couple of new mums who weren't really talking to anyone but I'd had an average of 2 hours sleep a night for the past month and I could barely remember my name or dd's name let alone her age which made it hard to be fun and welcoming.

To the new mums I probably seemed like Queen Bee holding court. Whereas in truth I was a hysterical mess who was just trying to find a way of getting through the next few hours. And I just couldn't face letting strangers see that about me.

Anyway.... My point is to keep going to the groups and you'll soon find yourself part of things.