Lately DH and I have got into a really bad pattern of fighting. It always follows the same pattern, and it never gets anywhere. I'll try to keep it brief, but sorry if it gets long..
A typical argument might start if he's being off with me for no reason. Like huffing and rolling his eyes if I talk, staring at the computer and not listening to me.. If I ask if he's ok he just grunts/mumbles something. I ask if he's ok with me (racking my brains to think of something that might have pissed him off, which probably sounds odd but i do think - If he's not pissed off with me, why would he take it out on me?) Also, if we need to talk about something(like something from a previous fight that never got resolved)
Anyway, if I try to talk to him when he's not in the mood, he'll call me names, tell me I'm being irritating.. if I don't immediately drop it, or dare to ask why he has to call me names, he'll storm off, calling me a pain in the arse etc, slam doors in my face (literally pushing me out of the door with the door etc) He will then need to be alone to "process things" Now this is fair enough, I'm a talker so I want to discuss things, fix them, then be normal again as quickly as possible. He can't talk about things, just wants to be left alone then carry on as normal. But him pushing me away makes me feel really rejected, really sad, and really helpless as it leaves me alone with the kids (3 and 1) and unable to get my own head space to calm down. So I either stay quiet and get upset, or I follow him and ask him to please calm down and talk things through, not immediately if he doesn't want to, but to calm down and not make me feel hated. He will just shout again, roll his eyes as I'm talking, generally act like a teenager being scolded, even though I'm not shouting/demanding, I'm just saying "This is scary for me, I understand you want to be alone but please don't call me names. Please calm down and don't hurt me like this."
I can really understand if he needs time to calm down, but lately he's needing/taking 6, 7, 8 hours of shutting me out, refusing to talk,which is just unbearable for me. Sometimes I'm able to keep myself calm and not say anything through fear of provoking him, but sometimes (embarrassingly) I'm not so calm and either ask him if we can drop this and make up, or (usually if he rejects that idea with more eyerolling and huffing) just break down and tell him he's a shit for being this mean to me When he does finally decide he's calm, he'll say sorry, but if I try to explain why I was upset (not aggressively but just say "you blowing up at me really scared me, have I done something to deserve that? Or are you stressed about something else?" I'll get this whole eyeroll-rant of "ohmygod are you still talking why can't you let this go!"
It never gets resolved as if i try to bring up anything the whole cycle starts again. I guess I just have to shut up and put up with being grumped/sworn at - at that doesn't sit right at all.
From his perspective, he probably thinks I'm trying to make him talk when he doesn't want to, he says this is why he gets aggressive (it's always my fault somehow). In fights, he's said his life is ruined because he had to move for our family (from his country to mine which is a massive thing and i know it must be so hard for him), he wants to leave, he should never have comes, that he can't support me emotionally, I shouldn't count on him for support. It leaves me feeling pretty empty.
I know he's made a lot of sacrifices for our family, but I lived with him in his country for 5 years and never resorted to calling him names, attacking him for no reason. I'm just about at my limit of what I can take, I always feel like there's an atmosphere. If I'm happy, bouncy Stepford wife-ish he will be happy too, but as soon as I'm sad/tired/need something he shuts down. It's all a bit sad.
Anyway, I think I should either try not ever asking him if he's ok and just acting the happy stepford wife around him, or if he does get angry, let him walk away for as many hours as he needs, ignore the insults or lack of proper apology just for an easy life. Or just somehow be calmer when he's upset maybe? Less caring? Clearly stuck for ideas here I guess I'm asking if anyone's experienced this, is there any solution? I understand homesickness must be a massive part of this but I'm at a loss how to help him if he's treating me like this. I can't even raise the subject (apparently).
Sorry for such a long rambling post. Thanks to anyone who answers
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How to break this vicious cycle?
20 replies
SneezyPanda · 27/11/2012 21:17
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