Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

I always see both sides ... perhaps I could develop that tendency into a career ?

I don't have an agenda and what I have posted upthread is my truth autumn

I expect most other posters you describe feel exactly the same way, including yourself.

have a look on AIBU and Chat. Many people joke about the parallel universe of MN which bares no relationship to the real world. As for 'my small circle of friends' please get real. The divorced and the separated and the 'housewife is doomed' type posters have all given personal examples and accounts. But perhaps you don't mind cos you want to agree with them? Slag me off if you want, but be consistent and slag them off too please.

I've posted my 'truth' too, but apparently my 'truth' is invalid and 'crass'. Therein lies the hypocrisy of web forums, lol.

I don't think your truth is invalid autumn

I think some people are just as invested in their worldview as you are in yours. Doesn't make you or them bad people, you just don't accept each others POV.

And that's why mums row on Mumsnet. And why healthy debate is a good thing

I think there is a significant difference between saying, 'This is what happened to me/my DMum/a friend of mine' and saying, 'If you go to Court to divorce, xyZ will happen'. The latter is something that can only responsibly be said by a suitably qualified, experienced lawyer who knows your circumstances in some considerable detail - and even then, I would expect most lawyers to be rather more circumspect in their advice, given that they can't predict exactly what will happen 100%. I think that's what people have had a problem with, but you don't seem able to understand or accept that. Also it does appear that the experiences of your friends differ enormously from the experiences of others, and so people will of course want to be clear about that in case someone is reading this thread and is misled.

Autumn - with your inability to tell the difference between reality and what you would like it to be, you are derailing tuis thread & others.

Interesting posts from Apocalypto on the breadwinner's perspective. Misses out the many advantages to having a SAHP though.

The thread readable as it being you that is trying to discredit others experiences autumn because they are all 'doom and gloom', they are those sort of women, you know 'from a certain demographic'....

Divorce and death happens to anyone, and so does poverty if you haven't planned for if financially. It makes sense to consider issues raised on this thread

I stand by what I said. If you are married and have investments you'll get a greater share. Gosh, even a lawyer on this thread agreed with me and said I was 'broadly correct'. Unlike some on this thread, I don't think the average visiter here is so dim they wouldn't see an actual flesh and bone solicitor to confirm the lay of the land. How patronising to assume that people who visit MN are so fuckwitted and incapable.

Holeyghost, which threads am I derailing, do tell?

and I bet I'm one of only a handful here who've actually experienced this first hand. But because I'm not indulging in misery I'm crass. You couldn't make it up!

You're not, autumn

I have and I'm sure many others have too, after all acrimonious break-ups are fairly commonplace, no?

So, Autumn are you advising us that we can be an unpaid skivvy live the life of Reilly and, if it all goes pear-shaped, walk off with buckets of dosh? ... really?
I think I would rather tell my daughters to make sure they are happy, independent adults - always at any stage of life.

Autumn
I might live with your statement if you had said
"If you are married and have investments you'll probably get a greater share"

For example, if assets have been brought into the marriage recently e.g. inheritance then they might be ringfenced from any settlement.

But it is really dangerous to post as you did earlier that you will be allowed to stay in the house and get 70% of the equity.

Perhaps autumn you'd like us to advise our daughters..nab a really rich man, don't work, make yourself helpless and rely on a) the fact that it will all end happily ever after or b) the judge will award you dosh for behaving as above

Morally I value myself higher than that. I do think courts should recognise child care and support given to a spouse to enable them to further a career. I don't think the above attitude quite epitomises that principle

Really 'dangerous?' Seriously? Putting your hand in an open fire is really dangerous. Driving on the wrong side of the road is 'really dangerous'. And thanks to the poster who describes sahm's as unpaid skivvies!

AL give it a rest will you. Sick of having to wade through your ridiculous and aggressive posts to get to the useful stuff.

Autumn I think it would be more helpful if you told us what you have done to ensure your financial security rather than derail this into a SAHM vs WOHM thread. It simply is not.

You responded to one of my earlier posts implying you do have financial security -which is great because that is what this thread is about. Too many women have realised too late that they were not financially secure in the event of a marriage breakdown / death / illness. I personally realised that was a possibility when my own children were small and I made sure that I had up to date qualifications (did an OU degree) and kept my CV looking active. It did mean paying out for some childcare and juggling being there to meet their needs and achieving my own goals.

I'm sure I didn't always get it right - but those difficult years of juggling has meant that when exH went off with the younger thinner OW I did not have to deal with losing our home because I couldn't pay the bills. I am far from being as financially secure as I was when married but I will be OK. I also have a wide circle of my own friends and colleagues unconnected with him. In fact I've reconnected with some people he fell out with which has been lovely.

My exh was a strange man in lots of ways - very generous and laid back about money most of the time - but he made a comment in the middle of an argument once, when the dcs were all under 4 and I was earning peanuts compared with him, along the lines of 'my money my choice' - which did send shivers down my spine. That was my wake up moment. He was generous and enjoyed being generous, but it was in his power to give or withhold money. I was not comfortable with that.

well see, i dont see anyone indulging in misery autumn

Catrus well said!
And you were lucky to have had that said to you only once.
I notice, also, that all the things you, and, I will take a bet, most of us, did to make sure we stayed employed/employable whilst making sure we were there to bring up small children were all what you, yourself did over and above motherhood.
Are we still telling our daughters - and I think we should be - to look out for themselves because they are unlikely to meet a man who will put as much into their academic/work/social lives as they will be expected to put into his? :(
And, if so, what should they be doing?
The point of the OP, I hope.

I get you OP, I would be royally fucked if I were to divorce my DH. The DCs would be provided for I'm fairly certain but I would have nothing.

I didn't give up a career to become a SAHM, I never had one to start with. I had my first DC at just 17 and over the next 14yrs we had 3 more. Apart from some menial shop work when the children were very small and a 2yr stint as a TA (which I never technically qualified for) I have been a SAHM for 17yrs.

My marriage is, at times, mostly unhappy but I'm sticking it out because the alternative is terrifying. My youngest DC is only 2 so I'd still be in the needing to pay for childcare trap and with no qualifications I'd struggle to earn above minimum wage.

Should DH die or become critically ill we would be well covered with the mortgage paid off plus a 6-figure sum to tide me over for a few years. It's a very depressing fact that he would be worth far more to me, financially at least, dead than as an ex.

I am, however, making plans to enrol on an access course and hopefully following that with a degree. If things don't improve in my marriage (which is highly likely :( ) then I need financial independence.

I haven't read the whole thread.

OP, sorry to hear about your situation. I agree that it's risky to give up work entirely and be financially dependant on your DH.

I'm certain that in my line of work, if I quit for a few years to be a SAHM, it'd be very difficult to get back into the job market at anything like the salary I'm on now - assuming I even managed to get a job in my field at all.

I've chosen to work part time for now, while DS is small. This is as much to make sure that I've got experience building up on my CV as much as it is about the money. I think it'd be a lot easier to go from part time to full time, if I needed to, than it would be to go from no work to any work.

I don't think it's likely that DH would cheat on me or leave me. The thing that preys on my mind is my grandmother's story. She left work when she got married, which was normal practice back then. My grandfather died a few years later, leaving my grandmother with 3 small children under the age of 5. My grandfather didn't leave her enough money to comfortably sustain her and her DCs. Because she'd quit work, her experience wasn't up to date and she couldn't afford to get retraining, so she ended up being unable to get any kind of work that paid a decent amount. This resulted in major financial difficulties.

Hearing all about this as a child has made me very keen to make sure I protect myself financially by keeping up with work. Just in case anything similar happens to me.

Yes I know math. I'm not hugely well paid but there are opportunities for promotion and most of all it's secure. I wouldn't like to be a single parent and looking for work, especially in todays climate.

Even women who've been out of the job market previously as a sahm and are looking got work find the odds stacked against them - you only have to read the stories on here.

Looking "for" work that should say.

My ex also screwed me over royally finance-wise when we split. It's taken me years to recover.