Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

Are some people still reading this an anti sahm thread? That seems like wilful misunderstanding to be honest.

I think cogito summed it up well earlier in the thread, it's about making sure you can take care of yourself should the worst (whatever that might be) happen.

And aka congratulations!

Juggling - i am in a professional industry; equally badly hit too i think.....

Today I was a SAHM
I added my own thoughts and perspective to the thread.
There was no "wilful misunderstanding" on my part
(though perhaps you weren't thinking of my posts, I don't know ?)

Well done [bsmile]

Not thinking of your posts at all juggling.

Will I get shot down in flames if I say "some of my best friends are sahms?" .

I've worked since my ds was 5 months old - bar time off for a serious post natal illness (he's now 8) and moody if that time as a single parent. It's hard worth that's for sure but I wouldn't like to be in the same position and not working.

However I'm very lucky to have a secure job in a family friendly organisation that offers flexible working. I couldn't have done it and keep doing it otherwise.

Most of, not moody if.

I do wonder why being sensible about your financial future is so threatening to people's perception of their relationship?

I think the idea that women can manage quite happily on their own without the input of a man is a very threatening concept to some people cabbage.

imo,women should be financially astute and not wholly dependent on partner
not sensible to forgo own career to promote partners career

I was reading this thread on the way home from work today & then I saw this article in the Evening Standard. www.standard.co.uk/news/london/my-financial-divorce-from-a-brutal-banker-he-takes-exotic-breaks-with-his-girlfriend-i-worry-about-rent-and-supporting-my-kids-8371313.html. Thought it was appropriate.

well don't give up work to be a rich housewife.she made that choice
it came back and bit her on the arse.he didn't compel her to not work
she took risky decision to live as rich bankers wife

Op good luck with your ou course, it sounds like a step in the right direction.

your post served to remind me why despite being with the best guy in the world, i will never give up my financial independence.

Well done akaemma !

Good question Cabbage

Excellent points flip and scottish

"Lord Justice Thorpe effectively overturned that this year by ruling that wealthy wives should no longer expect big payouts ?to keep them in the style to which they are accustomed?."

Goodness. How did I we miss this, this year?

I was never going to have a big well-paid career anyway.

I want to stay home with my children, and I am.

It is a risk, but what's the alternative? NO stay at home parents, ever?

I was thinking the same.
Maybe MNHQ could get him on for a bollocking Q&A sesh?

why is it risk if no housewives?would there be no folded napkins
IMO risky to have financial dependence upon another adult
the economy needs workers contributing workers,women need solvency

I don't think it's a risk for there to be no housewives, just that it would be odd if there were no SAHP.

Sorry I've been away from the thread and can't find my last few posts but just wondered what you would all do in my (and I think there's a few of us in a similar) situation...

We're the SAHP enforced because we've followed our OH's to a country where we can't legally work. In order to volunteer to "keep your hand in" we'd need to cover the childcare costs incurred (DS already goes to preschool 3days a week which obviously DH covers but we don't really have the additional funds to send DD as well).

I honestly can't see a way of invigorating my career at all, or retraining for another one, or getting a job - while we live here and I have children under school age to be honest. The only thing that makes it marginally ok is I'm fairly young (30 next year) and NOBODY I know doing the job I do gets paid more than peanuts for it either. But both of those are obsolete if DH divorced me tomorrow (especially as I'd probably be stuck in the this country because I wouldn't be able to make the DC leave without their Dad's permission).

It's been useful getting clarifications on it all from a law POV, even that link that was quoted quite far upthread about what the set child maintenance is...that really shocked me!

At least I took my mum's advice when we had DS....DH's bank account became a joint one and I have always kept my own

The alternative should be easy access to retraining or further education, easy access to childcare while retraining or getting further education. The alternative should be realistic financial settlements, with income divided equally among the people depending on it and drastic repercussions for men who absolve themselves of responsibilities by leaving a job or opt for 'consultancy', and leave it up to the state to provide for their families.

The state relies heavily on unpaid female labour (and it is labour) to provide care for children, make them ready for school, etc., then tells women nothing can be done for them when their relationship goes belly up. The courts shrug and turn away when women try to explain how it will not be possible for them to walk into a job with a liveable wage including childcare costs when they have more than a five year gap in their cv.

You hear people bemoaning single parent households and parroting the fact that a single parent home is more likely to be one living in poverty -- not so much asking why is that? And never 'what is anyone going to do about that?' It is only a given that homes headed by single women are likely to be homes living in poverty because women are not paid as much as men, because workplaces are not family friendly, because workplaces are not women friendly, and because a divorcing woman with few job prospects can expect a pittance from an able bodied man who often has unbroken education and work experience on his cv, who has been able to get on with his work because the woman has done the childcare and the ironing and the lunch packing and the socialising that has enabled him to get on. And this is all legal.

'However I'm very lucky to have a secure job in a family friendly organisation that offers flexible working. I couldn't have done it and keep doing it otherwise.'

Yep. You are exceptionally lucky.

That's a great post mathanxiety sums it up far better than my ranty OP.

This thread is really interesting

So many women have shared their experiences, and legal expertise

I have to say, I find autumn posts very crass, in the face if that. It's nasty to suggest that people here inhabit a 'parallel universe' because their experiences don't tally with those of your small circle if friends.

Yeh, it is a great thread takataka - really thought-provoking and some important things to think about. With perspectives from women in a variety of situations and it's legal advice I feel it's a contender for Classics - though I'm glad to see it's already saved through it's move to Relationships.

It's true though. You might not like it, but most people who've been around here for a while know that Mumsnet attracts a certain demographic and the relationships forum is oft avoided like bubonic plague because of its 'all men are bastards, leave the bastard' line. You can find it crass. Doesn't make it any less true. It's something you notice, along with hidden agendas disguised as 'useful advice' from infamous posters who have a beef with certain sections of society which appear to threaten them. I've been visiting parenting fora for over 13 years now and they're all the same.