Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

from another perspective...

I have always worked in a reasonably family friendly profession, and as such was by far the bigger wage earner. When my XH descended into alcoholism and we divorced I was pretty skinned by him, lost pension and a big lump sum. I paid ALL he mortgage, ALL the child care (3 dc) and provided 90% of the family living expenses; but he walked off with a big chunk of MY money. I call it MINE because he was working, and COULD have worked harder, COULD have earned more but felt it fine to live off me . i did 90% of the child care and house running too.

If I had daughters who were going to continue to work I would also advise them NOT to get married... I would be in a much, much better place financially if I had not.

I tell you what as well, I wish I had never insisted on a joint bank account because I then wouldn't be half responsible for the £10k overdraft he ran up.

I didn't want to leave DD with a child minder or in a nursery. I wanted to be with her. So I became a SAHM and am glad I did.

Have you had legal advice? I had a free half hour phone call to a divorce solicitor who said I'm entitled to spousal maintenance, as well as child maintenance, and a settlement that takesk account of DH's pensions as I have none. If I want the solicitor to act for me I may get legal aid (or a legal aid loan for about £4000 which would be paid back from any final settlement lump sum. DH is not wealthy but earns lots more than me and has high future earning potential. All this is taken into account.I gave up my job,we both wanted me to do this at the time as I didn't like the job and we didn't want DS in f/t childcare. 10 years later we both regret it. I do because I've lost professional self-esteem, am panicked by computer systems (a necessity in any job), we still have the mortgage we might have paid off if I'd worked more, and I earn v little in a pleasant creative job at least). Now I want a divorce DH says I've been "indulged and spoilt" and is bitter he may have to keep working to support me as well as himself ( he's happy to support DS though). SAHM is bad for dads and bad for mums.

splinters - no-one is saying that being a SAHM isn't a valid choice. What we're saying is make sure you are financially secure. If you're not working, you are saving the family money by not needing childcare/a cleaner etc, so you are effectively 'earning' your DH's money along with him. So you're well within your rights to put some of it away in your own long-term savings or pension fund to make sure you're able to support yourself if something went wrong with your relationship.

That might not be possible for every woman to do AL but I think being a SAHM for some period may still be the right choice for some women and couples, depending on their relationship and circumstances. But absolutely agree that there is much valuable experience and wisdom shared here. Lots to think about ....

The problem is as wonderful as the ideal is of being a sahm (and wonderful for those for who it works), if your partner decides to screw you over, you are stuffed. At that point no one cares whether your role as homemaker and carer for young children is important, he may decide he earns the money, it is his, and leave you unsupported. And there are many ways he can do this (run up debt, lose his job on purpose etc).

My daughter will have it drummed into her until she repeats it in her sleep ad nauseum, to stay financially independent of any man whatever the cost. No shared finances, no shared debt, keep her earning potential/career, keep her savings independent.

My thinking is there are so many stages you can be royally screwed over, so many marriages/partnerships end, and so many 20/30/40/50/60+ year old women end up impoverished. And even if you believe it would never happen to you, you may well be the next person to write a post in relationships about how he has now had a mid life crisis/run off with a younger colleague/ drinks too much etc. And having this happen when you are trying to look after your children, or have just finished carefully raising your family is utterly soul destroying.

Fairy tales and happy ever after endings have a lot to answer for, someone should rewrite them for the modern age.

Having read through some of this has made me glad that we made the decision for me to continue working (albeit part time) after having our DC despite the huge childcare costs we were paying out. I didn't want to waste my university education, years of professional work experience and or have a gap on my CV. It also meant I was able to stay on top of training and remain up to date in a fast moving industry.

My DC are now teenagers, I am about to return to a full time position.

This is not just for my and my DC's financial security but also for my own self esteem, which got damaged when I discovered my DH's affair.

On a lighter note I think there are some great modern re-writes of some of the classic fairy tales cookies - "Cinderella" springs to mind as one, but I can't remember the name of the modern re-write ATM - might get back to you if no-one else beats me to it !

And I think the courts/ solicitor will care to some extent that your role as homemaker and carer for young children is important - call me naive !

Hmm. I think that absoloutely determining that there should be no sharing of finances is too prohibitive.
If we had not jointly agreed to invest what was predominately my money in a company DH was starting up then we would not have this house or this life. Or DH would be pretty rich and I would have a moderate salary.

I think often sharing finances exactly down the middle is the best way to go as long as you ensure it is right down the middle and that wills etc are set up

Again the courts/solicitor will care if there is something to care with a fat wad of assets and cash.

It's not just that though, even if you do end up being financially ok afterwards there is still the huge hurdles of years out of the workplace etc to overcome when trying to build a new life, meet new people and not feel quite so irrelevant.

JugglingWithPossibilities - I mean career SAHMs, not women who take a couple of years to look after small children. And again, why are you defending the choice to SAH? No-one has said it isn't a valid one. Only that you should be careful to protect yourself financially since it leaves you vulnerable.

I guess I'm thinking more of a short period of being a SAHM, whilst the DC's are quite young eg pre-schoolers. Personally I was a SAHM for several years when DC's were small, and have generally worked P/T in pre-schools since they started school, but with brief periods of SAHMing between different jobs. Just thinking of doing some more training to upgrade my qualifications and hopefully build on my experience.

It is not rare. I gave up my career too, to look after our children. I always thought that part if the agreement would be that dh would provide the finance. He still does. We are still together. But I can't get out of a marriage that has become dysfunctional. He was a lovely man. Now, 14 years later, I don't think he is. I've seen a side to him that I dont like or respect. I have no career now and am 50 too. I trusted him to uphold his side if the deal and continue being the lovely man I married. He hasn t. He told me last year 'you couldn t afford to split from me'. He's right.

Hi Annie !
I guess it's just that the thread does feel a bit like it's not in favour of the choice of being a SAHM - But I agree the best aspect of the thread does get away from those old WOHM/SAHM arguments and look together at what can be learnt from different women's experiences, especially around financial security

OP, you may have covered this but re the threat to quit his job, I would be tempted to call his bluff on that. Would he really wreck his own income to spite you? He'd be on benefits himself then - not even that if he did actually just quit.

Dear lottie I do sympathise, and sometimes feel like I'm in a similar boat.
I hope you can find a good way forward from here for you x

Fairy tales and happy ever after endings have a lot to answer for, someone should rewrite them for the modern age.

Would love it if that happened. I do re-tell them for DD and the girl always retains her independence, or in the case of Cinderalla, gets picked by the prince because she's a hardworker and doesn't need to rely on him to support her, unlike the ugly sisters. If I ever get the time I'll type them out - maybe I should publish them?

I am a SAHM and the stories on Mumsnet scare me. I am professionally qualified but DH works away during the week days and sometimes even the weekends.

I think I am also a bit selfish as I just don't want to spend any time away from DS (4 YO). And by doing this, I am sacrificing our financial security away.

Snazzy he says he will quit and become self employed on a consultancy basis, therefore being able to conceal his income.

I had a career Pre meeting exH and having children - he was supposed to be the sahp but the reality was he hated it and could earn more than me. So, during their early years I worked p/t with exH building up his business (and was paid a proper salary while doing so and it looks good on my CV) which provided us with a v comfortable lifestyle - I was not comfortable with the idea that I could not feed, clothe and house myself and my dcs so retrained while this was happening. Yes this involved no social life and staying up until the early hours studying once dcs were in bed.

ExH was totally supportive and once the dcs were at secondary school he ended up selling his business and doing consultancy work while I progressed my career. He was the sahp then.

Within a 3 month period, after 25 yrs together, I was made redundant and he left me for an OW. The nest egg that would have seen us comfortably retired had to be divided in two. It's been 2 yrs now and I took whatever bits of work I could in my field and ate into the retirement pot (no pension - he got that I got the house). I now have a temp, but f/t, contract which is a relief for a few months. I am nearer 60 than 50 and life has taken an unexpected turn - but I do have the skills I need to find work, I have a cv with essentially no gaps as I have always either been studying or working p/t while the dcs were small. Yes we paid out for childcare to enable me to do that.

Selling the family home will break my heart but might have to be done at some point if the work dries up. I'm pragmatic about that but will keep it as long as I can.

On a personal rather than economic level having a career, a network of friends and colleagues, has meant that my life continues to happy and fulfilled and my dcs see that. Their father leaving has turned out rather worse for him I'm afraid. He is essentially a good, but self centred, man who made a crap choice - but him leaving has not left me financially in shit street, and I made sure of that.

Emma: have a word with a good solicitor (WA might be able to recommend one that is accustomed to dealing with abusive men) and find out what steps could be taken to ensure this man pays up. If he goes freelance, he will still have to pay tax, for instance, and there should be some way of getting access to his records on the grounds that he is attempting to evade his legal responsibilities.
DOn't tell him what you are going to do, just set it all in place.
Abusive men often convince their partners that they are above the law and have superpowers. THis is not true, it's very often possible for an abuser to be legally brought to heel.

'And I think the courts/ solicitor will care to some extent that your role as homemaker and carer for young children is important - call me naive !'

I am sure courts do. But if the man's actions make it impossible there is nothing they can do.

In my case, he was financially abusive and a fabulously talented liar, would not allow me to see what was going on (easy to do in the era of internet statements and hid his expenditures super well. And I believed his very slick 'promises' and was distracted by trying to bring up small children with no support around me (part of his control was to move me and the children around often combined with quite successfully isolate me from my family) and basically his emotional abuse towards me.

He used ALL our savings, ran up many 10,000s £ of debt on his credit cards buying himself toys, flights and booze. I knew about a very small amount of it, but he claimed that he was depressed and if he couldn't get the latest ipad/itouch/gadget he would kill himself or drink and not come home, and he hid a lot of it really very well (e.g. get things delivered to his work not home, have two dinners one out one at home and not tell me, drink heavily and hide it really well as he was so used to alcohol it was not always easy to see combined with my denial and frankly battered state of mind by that stage).

Long story short, I left the marriage with a lot less than I went in with (including my self esteem), and because strong pressure he put on me I was forced to give up my work when my children were babies.

Now there is nothing for the courts to care about. And this from the man who earned in the top 1% for many years. The ironic thing is if he had had a decent bone in his body I should have been in a much more secure place now.

And

'Would he really wreck his own income to spite you? He'd be on benefits himself then - not even that if he did actually just quit'.

Apparently this happens much more often than you would imagine and is exactly what my x did. And I have heard of similar stories. He actually really really enjoyed contacting me to let me know that my efforts chasing him through the CSA were absolutely futile as now he only needed to give me the minimum £5 a week from his JSA, and then lectured me about how I should stand on my own two feet from now on. I got two payment from CSA before this happened.

After we split up he moved straight home as a middle aged man to mummy and daddy and claimed that it was just far too stressful to put in the effort required to work (or come and see his children but that is another rant). And this from someone who is well educated and had good city jobs. But he is too 'intelligent' to put up with the morons that manage him/work in a job that won't gain him a nobel prize at the very least, which he DOES deserve as everyone can see how brilliant he is, and really cannot be actually expected to function if he needs to get out of bed in the morning before 11 .

Looking back. Essentially the OW in our marriage was himself. (Not internet diagnosing, but even my therapist suggested quite strong narcissistic tendencies in him from what I was saying).

Lord akaemma What a shit. So sorry x

Surely legally he can't do that can he?

Oh, ignore me! I see it's been discussed at length.