Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

Here's hoping though, eh, Feu?!

Although as you say, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, I have been on holiday with a lot of other families and there definitely is more equality in couples re chores than there used to be - I know far more couples who share fairly than ones where the man sits around expecting be waited on.

Wanttowrite you make excellent points. I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. No one ever thinks they will get ill until they do- I certainly didn't, and while I'm still able to work I am in pain a great deal of the time. It can happen to anyone. I know that makes me sound like the boogieman, but it's true. It's just something that always seems to happen to other people, some distant friend or something you read about in an inspirational piece in the Guardian. Then suddenly it's your life.

Anyone who reads this: it's worth having an idea of what you would do if your OH or you became ill. A plan of some sort. You don't have to write down a thirty page research proposal on it but please, give it a little thought.

Yep Tunip, among my friends many a useless boyfriend was (eventually) dumped in our 20s for being useless wastes of space who do nothing around the house. Now pretty much all the men in the couples I know do the same work round the house (along with all the mental work of organizing life) as the woman. Except one, and they got divorced last summer, luckily before they had DCs.

I have to say though, I do think we have lower standards of housework and houseproudness than our mothers. Ahem.

That's OK though isn't it, Feu ?
Perhaps women got a bit sick of being defined and judged by how tidy their house is - there is more to life !
If stuff is shared more equally perhaps we can re-discover some house proudness ?

It is absolutely, definitely okay Juggling!

Thanks IsayHolmes - dd was only 3 when we got shock diagnosis and it really isn't that rare by the time you are 40+ I know lots of people living with illnesses of what kind or another, some more limiting than others. I never thought it would be us and think we are probably still living in a bit of denial at what future holds, however today is our wedding anniversary and all in all I'm happy.

I honestly hope MNHQ would consider moving this thread somewhere where it wouldn't disappear. So much food for thought. I have never stopped working, although I wished at the time I could stay at home and look after DD. We were not entitled to any government support at the time of DD's birth and we needed my wages as we bought a house just before I fell pregnant. At the time I was working in HR, steadily making progress and fairly happy in my job.

We left the UK to return 'home' because DH wanted to, it took him quite long to convince me. We started up a business together, which never really did well. I found another job in a totally unrelated industry. With hindsight I now know I should never have returned with him. I should not have left my career. We are pretty much financially fucked, our savings are depleted due to our failing business. Our relationship is fairly crap at the moment, if it wasn't for DD we would probably not be together anymore. And also, we need each other financially, I don't think we would be able to run two households on our current wages. DH is hoping to find work in the UK, we will be returning early next year. I'm 42 and I'm not sure what my future holds. Very scared indeed.

I've just nominated this for inclusion in 'Classics' notmydog.

I'd like to ask Emma to consider requesting its move to Relationships. That's the board where I think it will have most impact.

Agree re moving thread and how much food for thought is here. I would counter the idea that women are forced to stay at home by circumstances, societal expectation with the fact that I know several women who saw motherhood as a way to evade working in a job they didn't like.

Short sighted IMHO.

However a choice they made. I'd like to think this thread makes women make a more informed choice.

When struggling to juggle work and babies I was green with envy at their ladies who lunch lifestyle. Today I am very glad that circumstances forced me to maintain my career.

Really agree Issy, we also had enough warning to make plans and savings - so glad I didn't give up working when I had my ds and dd, though I had decent maternity leave and many variations of part time working until now both in high school and I am pretty much full time working.

Cabbage - I could be accused of doing just that. Unfortunately the job i didn't like had no prospects anyway so i doubt would have made very much difference.

Also to the poster who said about women being in these dead end jobs - I totally agree. My exH and i left uni together with a similar degree and both got entry level jobs on 15k per year. However, my job in a national art gallery required nothing i had studied for and was merely an admin job which relied on excel and databases of which i have no aptitude. My husband on the other hand was developed technically and within 2 years was on 36k.

My exH, my dad and DP have all said repeatedly, 'well just earn more money'. as if it was that easy. They refuse to believe that women are funneled into these admin/caring (low paid) roles and to them they are more successful than women because they must have worked harder. frustrating is an understatement. And then you get the odd female boss which is even less understanding, because SHE did it, so other women should be able to. regardless of whatever help she had. One female boss i had hated women who had kids, feeling they had let themselves down.

sorry for your troubles op,i hope you have supportive pals
I think it's folly to be financially reliant upon other adult.folly to give up work
and whist the man career goes stellar because he can work unencumbered woman has no career no back up.and if the wallet walks..well housewife is stuffed

Spuddy I think we all make life choices which hind sight tells us might have been a mistake but at the time felt right. You can only do what you think is right, at the time.

The reason this thread is useful is it has a wealth of experiences saying think very very carefully before making yourself dependent. Some of the posters who have argued that advice is scaremongering, will be lucky. Others won't be. Most (All?) of us were also pretty confident in our marriages at one point otherwise why would you have married!

I am independent but there is nothing to insure me against my own health, job loss, breakdown. I wish there was

Have requested this be moved to Relationships .

I think that part of the problem is that, until you've lived it, being a SAHM seems like the easy option. It is anything but.

thats a truism we all assert,that no one know how hard anything is until is a lived experience

Yes, distracted by multitasking. It can make the breadwinner resentful, thinking that they are slogging away while the SAHP is doing not a lot.

It being hard work eroded my confidence.

But things can change for the better too. I was lucky enough to find a fulfilling new career and am now happier than I thought possible.

A couple of years ago, I would not have been able to imagine getting to where I am now

Emma, I really hope that your future is positive.

I was in a highly paid job with my first relationship - it was tough at times but it gave me the freedom to end that relationship. I spent years on my own and built up financial security. Then I met H and despite my own experiences I gave up my job when ds arrived (he was a very difficult baby and all the night time waking fell to me). 10 years on my H's career has flourished and I am earning less than I have ever earned. The current climate is very tough especially since we moved to be closer to H's work. I trusted H, I thought it would be OK but I was naive. No one should be financially dependant on another adult.

Turning 40 has felt a watershed (I think it's equal to a man who's 50). I feel as if I'm less employable and I think there is a prejudice towards older women.

I grew up in a single parent household. Born in the mid 1960's when this was not the done thing. My DM, who always worked, met my stepdad when I was 11yo. He was an abusive twat to both of us, sexually, physically, emotionally and financially until she saw the light and left when I was 18yo.

My DH is the most loving, kind, gentle man that you could wish to meet. He is a fantasic father to our 3 DS's, a wonderful husband, and has been for over 25 years.

But, as a result of lessons learned at a very early age, I have always worked, and had my own Bank Account. He does not know and has never asked what I earn. We share bills but I earn enough to cover all the bills. DH does not know this. I know exactly how much he earns.

It makes me feel sometimes, that I will never trust anyone else but me to provide for me and my DS's, but then I look at my DM and think that I have to protect myself and my DC's if ever the unthinkable happens.

i will never be financially dependent upon another adult.too precarious
we have separate individual accounts, and joint for mortgage,nursery etc
i couldnt bear to not have financial autonomy,id feel beholden and downtrodden

What if you are / were NOT married though?

I (stupidly, in hindsight), did not get married to the father of my 2 DC's. I thought I was too young for marriage at the time.

Before I had the DC I was on my way to having a good job with good prospects and pension etc (I was student nurse). exP was another type who is very employable (has 2 degrees, some experience) but didn't want to be "corporate" , or "sell out" and he did earn slightly more at the time than I got in bursary etc and he was adamant he would NEVER be able to do childcare and work his full time job so I gave up my course to become SAHM and we struggled along on just his wage (which was much lower than it could have been if he would accept having a boss) for years.

When we split, I was left with nothing, no money, nothing. He stayed in the house as it was soley in his name (signed over to him only by his nasty piece of work mother), me and DC had to go into a homeless unit , go on benefits and we got our own place eventually.

I do work now, but I have no qualifications past 2 A levels, I had zero job history at all because I went from school to Uni (nursing), to SAHM. I went for thousands of jobs, any jobs, and got nothing. Eventually I got part time employment through doing voluntary work (but 9 months voluntary before they offered me a job). The job I'm in just now is minimum wage and I could do it standing on my head (not boasting, just I know I could do more). However the logistics of 2 young children, housework, childcare and a nursing degree would be far too much, I know that I've done the course it took up so much time even pre-DC.

My ex has a house bought and paid for in his name, still working no gaps, and obviously his degrees. He does see DC but pays not a penny towards their upkeep (Child Maintenance have been rubbish, no outcome for years despite me being on the case).

I don't know what the answer is, but really something needs to be done. SAHP's are vulnerable financially, WOHP's are vulnerable in the sense that access to DC could be difficult in the event of a split.

Like SGB said, the work of a stay at home parent is completely under-valued, in fact hardly even valued at all. It should have monetary value. Imagine what would happen in the country if all SAHP's suddenly decided to stop providing childcare and domestic service? . If I were ever to be a stay at home parent again I would ensure that my partner paid a set amount into my account every month, out with all the bills - just an amount for me, not for any bills, for my own savings, easily accessible and accessible only by me in the short term in the event of separation. OK, not very romantic, but I won't be in a homeless unit again with DCs.

I have never been financially dependent on a man. I had DS when I was 39 and doing OK, just about, financially - but I was made redundant from my main job when I was 5 months PG, which messed things up quite badly - I couldn't get another job as no one was going to employ a woman just about to give birth! I had some freelance work, but not enough to make up a living wage. Luckily, I had a flat, which I had bought 12 years previously, and selling it enabled me to pay off both the mortgage and my debts, and keep DS and I sort-of afloat for roughly the first year of his life. I kept up my freelancing and tried to start a business, which unfortunately failed. Since then I have tried to keep up freelancing, but have had to get both tax credits and housing benefit - DS' dad does pay child support (250 a month, he's not on a high wage either), and things have got sort of better as DS has got bigger and started school.
My main problems have been down to the fact that the industry in which I have nearly all my experience has pretty much gone and what's left of it has tightened up massively; there have been very, very few staff jobs available for several years, and a huge pool of people competing for what there are.

Still, having kept up freelancing and stayed in touch with my contacts, I have always been able to earn a bit and finally got some good commissions which should mean everything will stabilise next year. But if I'd given up on working, I'd really be fucked now because everyone would have forgotten me, and a middle-aged woman with specialised skills, a huge gap in the CV and a request for flexible hours would not have been top of anyone's employment list.