How do you deal with the lowest of the low?

[jacksmummy05]

Any tips on letting go of anger and not letting your psycho immature nasty ex's behaviour get to you...even though it really hurts and is dragging everyone down and tearing a family apart?

Ex is a bastard. Split up over a year ago, (after physically and emotionally abusive relationship/cheating etc...from him) had an old post about maybe reconciling, during moment of madness, took the advice and gave him the boot...he still won't leave me alone though...his children are my second cousins (weird I know but he was the widow of my cousin who commuted suicide) and he has banned me from seeing them, then said he'll sort it out, then text me saying he misses me/wants me back, and since I've either ignored or told him he's barking up the wrong tree, he's now said they don't want to see me and he won't force them too. (Either lies or he is manipulating them also and putting words into their tiny mouths)
I know this all emotional manipulation on his part, and his immature way of trying to maintain some sort of control...but he is dragging other family members in to this...lying about me, playing the victim, slagging me off etc...and I'm finding it difficult to ignore and move on with my life....

I don't want to see him ever again, I accept the fact i'll never see his kids (my cousins, who also grew up calling me mummy) again...but how do I get through it with dignity and without letting him continue to get to me when a whole family is involved and being torn apart due to his lies/bitterness/manipulation?

wants to reach for the vino already

I don't know. Someone will be along who can offer better advice. The only thing I can suggest is ignore, as you are doing, and tell family members you don't want to hear about what he is saying about you.

Thanks Beryl...it's hard though, really hard...all my family are involved...it's my cousins, my sisters' cousins, my mum's nieces, my uncle's grandchildren etc... :(

I agree with BerylStreep, You did the strongest thing you could do by booting him out, since you took control, hes desperate to get some back, all by using lies and those poor children as a weapon, as if they hadnt been through enough,.

Tell family members you have no desire to even hear his name again, and that using those poor children only effects them, and thats unfair.

Stay strong, and do not pander to his pathetic attempts at a power struggle, all he wants is control, dont let him have it, could you attempt to seek access to the children?

Thank you for your advice...I have already told people close to me that if they mention his name around me, they have to put a pound in the swear box
It's not going to ever disappear as the girls will always be my family...it's so sad.

You say she committed suicide?

It looks like you had a lucky escape and I feel sorry for the children.

If anything, make sure they are alright and ignore the bastard as much as possible.

Wow. Tough situation with you wanting to stay in touch with your cousin's children.

Don't go marching in to any more battles wrt the children for now. Take a while to detach from his madness and manipulation. Don't engage. I'll type that again. don't engage with him. Over five years after I left my x he will still every now and then send an email that makes me LONG to give him a piece of my mind. His sense of entitlement, his delusion, his revision of history, his self-pity, none of it has changed. Most of the time I accept his flaws and accept his opinion of me as something that I can live with. What is that saying "what you think of me is none of my business". That helped me step out of the endless cycle of trying to make him see reason. It never worked because he was an unreasonable man who didn't become more reasonable after Ileft him.

My x's children are MY children, and so your situation is not that different from lots of other x partners of narcs.

FAKE insouciance wrt the children. If he thinks you accept the situation he may allow you to see them when he needs a babysitter.

Leuji... Yup, I'd say a lucky escape too...my cousin had only been with ex a few years and I (and most other family members) had only met him briefly once or twice while she was alive...when she died it was a massive shock to everyone who knew her...but having lived with my ex makes me realise what she was likely living with too and so I understand better why she did what she did.

Mu1berries...thank you for your post...I'm sorry you had to go through similar with the father of your own child...it's funny you should say that about him being unreasonable and not being any more so since you left him...I often find myself saying to people about my ex 'you can't reason with the unreasonable'...it's been damn frustrating trying to do so before, but now I've realised the type of person he is I am aware that NOTHING anyone says will sink in or even register, as his opinion is mighty after all...

I find myself hoping and praying that he'll slip up and reveal the real him to those around him now...it's frustrating knowing he's spreading lies and giving sob stories and probably getting pats on the back for his 'great job as a single dad' when if people knew the truth they'd be appalled.

If you went the 'legal' route to see the dc would you be entitled to see them have access? If so go that route. Otherwise ex dictates when/where and how long and possibly will just use dc as bait to get at you.

He will slip up and I just hope it isn't at the expense of one of his dc lives:(

All you can do is let the children know that you will be there for them when they are young adults. Go to their school plays? go to their school christmas fair? Do they have a mobile? send a card via there school. Don't bombard them as if you do he will storm in and have you portrayed as a mad woman who can't accept the situtation, who can't accept that they're "his" children. Etc etc...... I will PM you now, just a detail which is a bit identifying that is all.

Thanks seaofyou...I'm not sure if I have any legal rights, and my ex would NOT take kindly to that kind of interference. But I will look into it anyway to see what the deal is. Thank you x

Thanks Mu1berries, I would do the school thing if I wasn't already 100% positive it would enrage my ex and cause even more problems. I have, however, told other family members to tell them I love them and miss them on chances they get to see them. And thanks in regard to PM...but I checked and don't have one??