Good samaritan my arse

[goonyagoodthing]

Perspective needed please.

Friday my DHs friends oil range packs up. Friday night they pulled it apart to try and fix it (DH knows about this stuff, has done it before). Several hours Saturday, still nothing. All week I had said we would leave kids with my mother for a while and have a few hours on our own on Sunday, which is seldom nowadays. He went off to try fix it again, was back too late for me to leave kids with my mother. This morning at 10am we were going to do some painting, he speaks to an engineer on the phone and decides he knows the problem now "I am going over to fix it, be back shortly". He is after ringing to say it will be 4pm when he is back. Paint buckets, brushes etc sitting in the middle of the kitchen and I can't start myself with two small children dragging out of my trouser leg. I am all for helping someone in need, but there comes a point in your life that you have to say "Look, I have plans made, I'll be back tomorrow".

This is a recurrent theme in our marriage and I am sick of it. There is always something more important. We could have a day out planned and a charity he is involved in needs help, he would drop us like a hot spud and go help them. I have changed plans umpteen times to suit his arrangements. 3 days after coming out of hospital after a c-section he got a call from the charity he is involved with, they badly needed help the next day. I was left sitting for 12 hours in the house with a newborn, a 21 month old and a kidney infection.

I am just fed up now. Everyone is more important it seems. I (or I should say, we as a family) have never, ever been put first. He just seems to take for granted that we will fall in with whatever plans he makes. No amount of talking calmly or ranting seems to help. He wants to help everyone and in the process walks across his family.

Was he like this before you moved in together? Were you confident of changing him?

If you've discussed it before and are still playing second fiddle to anyone and everything else then your in ultimatum territory. "If you choose to go and fix the boiler and let me down yet again then don't bother coming home..." or similar.

you're in ultimatum territory ... not 'your'! (Big red circle and 'see me' at the foot of the page....)

Stange isn't it, how we view qualities in other people. One of the reasons I love my husband is because he is selfless and will help other people out. Someone with no heating, if he could fix it, would take precedence over painting at home. One thing is essential, the other is cosmetic. I'd like to hope that if he weren't around for waht ever reason, someone would pay back his kindness given out, to me at some time.

I had an ex like this - was always happy to help everyone to the detriment of ever being there at home. It's a major part of why he's an ex. Sorry I don't have advice but this is awful.

Ophelia - don't you think the OP needed him after a C-section when trying to look after a newborn and toddler though? There is a limit to being selfless surely if you expect those you love to pick up the slack for your 'selfless' actions.

This isn't selflessness - this is about looking good in front of other people while letting down your nearest and not so dearest unforgivably.

Hats off to your patience OP, I'd have walked after the C section.

I'm afraid you need to listen to what this man is telling you - you are less important than his need to look good to others, you cannot depend on him no matter what your need.

Sorry, but I think you've got some serious thinking to do about where your bottom line is and whether he has well and truly stepped over it.

@ophelia... abandoning incapacitated wife, new-born and toddler to go off and help someone else isn't altruism or selflessness it's selfish attention and approval-seeking. Rather like the person who is a miserable bugger at home but turns on the smiles and charms for strangers.... priorities quite wrong.

Horse for courses. I remember when Dh was workign away and I had 3 under 5 and the boiler went - DHs plumber mate CBA to help - but I also rememebr when plumber took himself off of a footy extravaganza and his wifes car broke down and DH towed her home.

I find what goes round comes round eventually. If you are a considerate and good neighbour, that will be paid back, selflessly.

What's going around for this man is the selfish disregard of his immediate family as he dashes about playing the Local Hero for anyone and everyone except those that should actually matter .... I sincerely hope it'll come back to bite him on the arse.

This sounds like someone who wants and needs the kudos and admiration of strangers, or those outside his close family circle, in order to feel good about himself.
I've been in a relationship with someone like this, and it is incredibly draining and difficult to understand, and leaves you feeling that you are of little value.

It is as though he needed the admiration of others in order to validate himself, though it left me feeling that I was without support when I most needed it.
From his point of view, his mates will sing his praises loud and long to a wide audience, building the legend of Mr Wonderful, whereas if he stayed at home helping me, I would have just thanked him and been glad to have had some help, but would not have spread the news far and wide.
This isn't about helping his mate, or not helping at home, this is about constructing a picture of himself that reinforces what a wonderful man he is, and helps him to forget what an empty shallow being he really is.

Imagine the shock among those he is helping at the detriment of his family when op finally leaves the bastard? Does he even know what priorities mean?

My dad was like that. Utterly painful.

I once rang the Samaritans to discuss with the person at the other end of the line an issue I was distraught over regarding a family members diagnosis of multiple sclerosis and the effects that was having on us all as individuals and as a family. The last although very sympathetic replied with " well this weathers not been too good lately has it the weather won't help! I politely said thankyou and put down the phone in utter dismay.

My Mum used to be like this. I got left on my own every Christmas, while she manned the phones at Samaritans.

I offer a solution. Cry! Might make him buck up his ideas.

While him helping others is admirable, but having a c section myself, i know how much it hurts, and how limited you are for doing things, so on this occasion alone, him leaving you, and 2 kids, to worry about someone else, is a huge let down and hurtful, priorities totally wrong.

I find what goes round comes round eventually. If you are a considerate and good neighbour, that will be paid back, selflessly.

You reckon?

I've not found that at all.

Being in a relationship with this sort of man is awful. You end up feeling as if you are the last priority all the time and feel worthless and lonely. Agree with other posters who say that this type of man does it for the social kudos it brings. OP, give him an ultimatum.