Control freak ex trying to stop me moving in with new partner

[Cherryred2009]

Has anyone been through this?

I broke up with very controlling husband last year. Seven months later I started dating a lovely chap. I have DD 11 and DS 9 and have them half the time. New chap has stepsons in part time residence aged 13 and 16. We all get on well and all live in the same city about 4 miles apart.

I told ex last week that I think it is time to join forces with new chap. He seemed reasonable at our first meeting, but asked for time to get used to the idea. At our second meeting he was entirely different, and went into great detail about what he would "allow", particularly not 9 y/o and 13 y/o sharing a room. Even though none of the kids know we are planning to move in, the boys are already campaigning to share a room.

He was also very paranoid about a lot of stuff, "what if one of them rapes DD" being the most extreme example. He is certainly planning to offer DD the option to live just with him so she doesn't have to be in a house full of boys.

Apparently his solicitor ( he gets legal aid, I don't) is writing me a letter, something about proceedings. I have booked us back into mediation, but he won't go unless I have changed my position, whatever that means. The only way I can afford a legal battle is by selling the house he is living in.

I don't think he can stop me. Can he? Will I have to go to court? It's just so stupid.

Any help and advice would be gratefully received. I can hardly think straight.

He can't stop you doing anything but I would recommend that you take this to a solicitor rather than woolly about with mediation. If you've tried 'amicable' & he's gone for 'escalation' you have to meet him in kind. I actually think it won't come to a court battle and he will back down if you respond firmly at the outset. One thing bullies have in common is that they don't like being stood up to.

This man would kick up rough if the OP was planning to move in next month, next year or in ten years time.... The point is that this is an extension of the controlling behaviour that got him evicted in the first place.

It does seem rather rushed to me too. I also do think it would be fair to consult your daughter before implementing this.

I can sort of see your husbands concerns. A man and 2 boys who you dont really know properly yet and you are about to move them into your home.

And, I could be completely wrong here, but as this is your first post, I actually get a suspicion that this is some sort of reverse post too. The wording of your post comes across to be as being written by a male.

Thanks all! I'm a woman, self-employed. My ex hasn't worked for years and is on benefits. He is in our family home because he couldn't afford anywhere else that would fit the kids, and I'm actually quite a nice person.

I'm renting and scraping by on housing benefit, but it's very tough to make ends meet as my income has gone down year by year.

I've known new chap for 13 years, although we've just been dating for 6 months. We're really solid as a couple and it just makes sense to join forces rather than running ourselves ragged as working single parents.

Your help really is appreciated.

Squeaky
Mmmm ? The use of the word "chap" for her new man??? You could be right there. Very astute.
And if they broke up a year ago ie, 12 months, and she met current man 7 months after, then if my maths are correct, they have known eachother for approx 5 months?
And I found it odd saying " new chap has stepsons" ???
Rather strange, but moving in a new man after 5 months and having 2 boys to stay overnight - poor dd - too soon.

It certainly reads like a reverse post and written by a man. If so, you'd honestly do far better to post as yourself rather than pretending to be the woman in the scenario.

I would've thought that the 11yr-old would at least be given a say in where they wanted to live.

It all seems a bit rushed. I read it as first as the relationship lasting for 7 months, but now see that the 7mths actually refers to the time between the split and the new relationship starting.

x-posted.

I agree that it sounds like the children are having to make a lot of adjustments in a very short time. Moving out of family home and away from dad, new man in mum's life, and now a new man and his sons moving in.

TBF, OP said she split with XH last year. So she moved could have moved out of the former marital home in January 2011, and met her new partner in August 2011. If that were the case then moving in together in January 2013 doesn't sound unreasonable at all.

So she moved could have moved...

Blimey... the Miss Marple Pants have been selling well this week....

I want Miss Marple Pants now.

Come with pince nez on a string.

OP said she had known new man for 13 years, but only been dating for the last 6 months.
She left the marital home a year ago, and rented for herself, as DH is unemployed and couldn't afford to live anywhere else. Sounds very generous and kind of her to DH.

Just to clarify, kids are still with their dad for half the time. They and I had a very harmonious summer holiday with new man. He is not a stranger, and neither are his kids! I think people are missing my post a few notches above this. And we are going to be about 15 minutes' drive away from their dad.

I was hoping for some advice on the legals from people who have been in this position.

Thank you!

Have you tried posting in the Legal section as well?

Ah, no! Thanks for the pointer.

He can't stop you. You both have parental responsibility and therefore unless he can prove you are putting the children directlyat risk by your proposed living arrangements then there is nothing he can do.

However, from one single parent to another who has gone on to remarry and have more children after leaving a hostile ex, I do think you're rushing things. Yeah you've known him a long time. That's not the same as being in a relationship. And 6 months into a relationship is still very much the honeymoon phase. Your kids have had a lot to cope with. I'd put it on hold for now.

My dh didn't move in with me and dd for a long time. I certainly wouldn't have moved someone in so quickly.

There is nothing illegal about doing it. What does your new boyfriends ex think about it? How long have they been split up?

You and your kids may have known this man for 13 years, but as a friend presumably, not a stepfather. I still think it is a little quick to be moving in together as one blended family.

Cherry
I know a woman who moved out of the marital home with her 2 dcs and refused to claim anything of the house as she wanted her dcs to visit their father in the house they grew up in.
However, he soon met another woman who also had 2 dcs and a house and she persuaded him to sell his and she did too and they bought a 5 bed house together - in effect she now owns half of what was his exs and her/his dcs have lost any inheritance from the original home.
More important was his children didn't want to visit in the strange house with her 2 dcs which he treated more as his than his own dcs.

The woman I know, was being very kind, but unrealistic. Her solicitor advised strongly against her decision, but she was adamant.
I'm sure you will not make that mistake, despite your generosity