I can't do this anymore.....HELP!!!

[ilovehugs]

I posted here in September having discovered that my partner of 13 years (I'm 32) had been having close online affairs with women for at least three years. He had exchanged person information about me and our DC's, telling them about the anxiety I was suffering over our DD (now resolved) who had some major health problems. He even sent them a photo of him with our DCs. He had sexual exchanges with one of them the night before she had a GA and I read messages from them asking after our DD - by name. It nauseated me. We weren't having sex much - I didn't want to. When confronted, he said it was because he was was so sexually starved and was very sorry. He has since deleted his FB account and expressed allot of regret about it. Despite that, I can't get over what he has done and other stuff including...

• Rarely contributing to any housework, cooking or washing up for the last 7 YEARS!!! because I was a SAHM and telling me to 'get a job' if we argued about it.
• Smoking heavily, costly, smelly and setting such a bad example to the DC.
• Over the last 18 months or so, he has come home drunk from the pub after his weekly 'Friday night early doors' and on several occasions, been very, very aggressive towards me for 'not giving him sex'. Shouting, throwing things, on pulling me out of bed, threatening to 'take it elsewhere'.

On the other side he can be wonderful with the DCs and has worked hard to be a good provider. He has tried to support me emotionally, but has lacked the emotional intelligence to do so. And really I needed someone to help clear the decks and do a bit of cooking etc. That would have made all the difference when I found things hard. He has no interests and few ideas.

I have told him we either sort things out or separate and since then he has become 'wonder man'. Helping out etc etc. But we are still not getting on. he keeps breaking down in tears. I feel like I have nothing to say to him and recoil at his touch. I detest being in the same bed with him at night and the lonely awkward evenings with him. I don't trust him and even my feelings about him. I am still furious about so many things. I'm 32 and have lost allot of weight. I've got myself fit and realised that I'm actually attractive, I've started going out with friends and having a good time. I've got a new job. I want it to just be me and the DCs. I want to have a chance to meet someone and experience a relationship where there is sexual attraction, wit, humour and just 'getting' each other.

I still feel sorry for him. I don't want to separate him from the DCs. I don't like the thought of him living in some tiny flat somewhere separated from his family. At the same time I cannot bare the thought of living like this with him day and out while what's left of my youth drips away.

I desperately want to keep my house. The kids will be devastated if we move out of the house. I could manage the mortgage on my own, but I know he will try to force me to sell if we do separate. I'm utterly miserable and trapped and I don't know what to do for the best. Please help me.

You don't have to stay with him. His choices are what will bring about the end of your relationship, not yours. I remember your thread, and I remember thinking "if she stays with him it won't be too long before she changes her mind". Et voila.

He has killed all respect you ever had for him. His fault, his consequences to bear. I don't mean that in a "punish the bastard" kind of way...I think it is simply the stark truth. I could not respect a man that did this, and would no longer want to spend my one precious life with him. It really is as simple as that, when you come out of the fog of society's expectation that women have to try anything at any cost to keep a relationship together.

on several occasions, been very, very aggressive towards me for 'not giving him sex'.

FFS, think of this when you are feeling sorry for him.

It's him or you.

SO much has changed since then AnyfuckingDude.

I discovered he'd drunkly sent a 'sex text' to my friend to see if she thinks 'I would like it'. I only found out because for the first time in my life, I went through the phone bill and noticed there was an 'exchange# between him and my friend at about midnight on a night I was out. He lied about it and deleted it. I caught him because it was still on my friends phone.

He came in drunk one night and kicked a chair which hit me in the leg. I tried to boot him out the house and threatened to phone the police. Before I would have just cried and tried to placate him. He was utterly shocked at my power.

Its like a fog has lifted. I KNOW what I want and what I need. But I just can't do it... he's just so inept. Then there's the self doubt. Why do I feel like this???

" I don't want to separate him from the DCs. "

Hasn't he rather brought that on himself? And what makes you think that the DCs don't heave a sigh of relief when this arse of a man is out of the house? Children are often very affectionate towards nasty parents as a way of keeping themselves safe from the bully. Doesn't mean they like them.

There is nothing in the things you say above that would make anyone think this man deserves a minute more of your time. He's made his bed, he'll have to lie in it and.... unfortunately for him... it's going to be a bed in a different house. His choice.

Why do you feel sorry for him? Do you see him as some kind of victim? A child perhaps? Doesn't know what he's doing? A bit thick maybe?

He's a grown man that has made some really bad decisions and subjected you to some appalling behaviour over many years. Crocodile tears and a few days of helping around the house don't compensate for making your life a misery. If a stranger walked into your house tomorrow, pissed and started throwing things, calling you names and expecting to be waited on .... would you feel sorry for them? Or would you kick them out and call the police?

Talk to experts about things like finance and accommodation. CAB, solicitors etc. The "thing to do for the best" is to cut this man loose.... and I guarantee that, about a month after you've done, it you'll wonder why it took you so long.

"He is just so inept"

No, he isn't. He is quite the expert at manipulating you.

Can he force me to sell the house? It's a joint mortgage. We aren't married. I can afford the repayments.

I thought it would be better with him being Mr lovely, but it's just worse. He is desperate to keep us.

I just want to be free. Just me and the kids. And for them to be OK with it and to not regret it down the line. I don't think I will. But there is just that doubt.

You have children with him ? No, he can't force you to sell the house.

Have you taken legal advice ? Talked to CAB ? Talked to any professional who can reassure you (rather than taking on board his bullshit and empty threats) ?

"Why do I feel like this??? "

Habit. You've been with this man since you were about 18 years old when, let's be honest, no-one knows anything about anything. You've since merged yourself with him... believe you are responsible for him.... you see yourself as 'we'.... you have no concept of how you'd function as 'I' because you've never actually been there. You have no terms of reference beyond being in this couple. He is a bad habit that you need to break.

I'm horrified that you excuse his terrible behaviour as 'ineptitude'. Someone can be 'inept' at threading a needle or driving a car. Aggression, infidelity, verbal abuse, drunkenness and all the rest is not because a man is inept, it's because he's a nasty piece of work.

I spoke to the council and know what rights I would have in terms of benefits etc if we were to separate, given that there is capital in the house and on the assumption it would be sold. I have since got myself a job that will fit in beautifully around schools etc. I can now afford the mortgage on my own. I called up a helpline and was told that house sales can be forced in court and they consider what's in the best interests of the children. That's all I know. I do need to look into it further.

He gets aggressive to you for not wanting sex? Well, first off, who wants to have sex with a lazy, agressive, drunken bully? I agree with Cognito, its a habit now, and now studies suggest, that losing a relationship that has been that long, is like, an addict going cold turkey, but i think you know, you'd be better off without him, he doesnt sound like a man i want to raise my kids.

I know what I need to do but I'm just so scared. :(

I hope you find the courage.

ilovehugs, i was scared too when my partner walked out on me, 3 years later, im so glad i didnt take him back, he was so cruel to me, that now i see through that front i fell for, me and my little lady, are happy in our own little bubble.

Scared of what exactly? Scared of coming home to a nice calm house where people are kind to each other and not rolling in pissed? Scared of having the millstone removed from around your neck? Scared of your kids growing up in a peaceful environment rather than subjected to a lazy bully?

Scared that he'll top himself in some bed-sit because he's soooo upset???? A tenner says that, if you kicked him out, he'd have a new g/f inside a month....

You might find this useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break ? if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

Or are you scared he'll attack you when you tell him it's over?

Scared that he'll top himself in some bed-sit because he's soooo upset???? A tenner says that, if you kicked him out, he'd have a new g/f inside a month....

I agree with that, but being alone is scary at first, but then you realise, Am i really alone? coz you wont be.

It is unlikely to be in the best interests of the dc to force you to sell up. You may have to buy him out long term or sell when they leave home, but I would have thought you'd have a good chance of keeping the house. Get yourself a session with a solicitor.

Just got some legal advice about the house. Just been told that unless there is allot of money involved (there isn't), in court, it would probably have to get sold unless I buy him out and I don't have £20k knocking around. I'm gutted. So the DC's and I will have to move into a rented house. Our mortgaged is over £100 cheaper than the average rent around here. I would probably have to drip spend my equity on rent every month until it was gone. I wouldn't get housing benefit with that amount of capital. I can use it to pay off debts, furnish a house, get a car - the rest would have to go on subsidising the household. Meanwhile - DP will be able to reinvest in another mortgage. I would need to be in my job for at least another 6 months to even have a chance of getting a mortgage on my own. Before the DC I ploughed allot of money into the mortgage and even paid for DP to go on some very expensive training courses and paid the mortgage while he did so. This sucks.

Go to a solicitor. It'll be money well spent. Ask them about a Schedule 1 Claim. Explained here:

www.russell-cooke.co.uk/clientUpload/document/file/Cohabiting_Parents_What_Are_You_Entitled_To_For_Your_Child_April_20092.pdf

You will still need a solicitor to resolve the financial settlement. If you feel confident dealing with these issues over the telephone/email, do look at the Co-op Legal Services link in my post above, and give them a ring. Seriously, whatever it costs you today will be a worthwhile investment in your future.

Thanks for all your advice and will think about the solicitor route.

I rang up somewhere else for advice and they seemed to think if it went to court I would have a decent change of staying in the house until the kids were aged 16 or so. He would have to spend at least £4k taking it that far and it could take over a year. I'm not sure either of us would I want to live like that anyway. Maybe the best thing to do would be to sell him and let him re mortgage. I wont be able to , but at least I could rent somewhere and it would be amicable. No mortgage for me but not the end of the world. Poor kids though. They love this house and this area.

Thanks for all those helpful links olgaga x

I find it hard to believe that you would be forced to sell the dependent children's home.

Speak to a family law solicitor. You should be able to stay in until the youngest is 18 and in full time education. (am not a lawyer, nor solicitor, btw...but I wouldn't be giving up at this hurdle)