I don't know what to do. Found out something sickening.

[AnyoneSeenMyMarbles]

Hi, I have had to namechange as my ex-partner found my last thread.

We have been essentially living apart for a couple of months and it's been extremely difficult. I have finally come to terms with the fact that he is a very emotionally abusive man, and that for the entire length of our relationship he was controlling and that often his behaviour was not ok, normal or nice. To cut a long story short he isn't dealing well with breaking up and keeps talking about getting back together. That isn't going to happen and I have been trying to keep things amicable, despite some appalling behaviour on his part, for the sake of our DS and their relationship.

But. But. Now I have just found out that he once beat up a girlfriend of his. Badly. Although I have been at times physically scared of him, although he displayed/displays classic 'red flag' traits like throwing things, pointing aggressively in my face during rows, a smack on the arm after saying something he didn't like, etc, I don't think I ever really thought he was capable of violence like that. As in not just a lash-out single punch but laying into a woman to the extent that he apparently did.

Does this change things? Should I change where and how I see him when he takes our DS? Should I say anything or nothing to him? I feel sickened and lost, and don't know how to reconcile this with the man I thought I knew - the man I may not be in love with anymore but still have some feelings for. I don't know what to think or do.

Get over him, you deserve better

do you fear for DS's safety?

I know what you mean, I have just left an emotional abusive relationship and determined not to go back. He displayed very simular red flag warnings you described but never hit me, but I found out he has got an assault charge against him which he denies as nothing more than grabbing her collar. I also found out recently that he thought he killed a girl once when it got out of hand. It really opens your eyes, as yes your ex partner IS capable of that. Just don't go back stay strong like I'm trying to xx

To be blunt, it sounds like that poor woman was who you'd be if you hadn't got out when you did. If I didn't understand how abuse blinds you, I would be very confused indeed that after everything you list, including the physical abuse towards you (smacks on the arms are most definitely DV), that you are surprised he was capable of what he did. Reading the description of him as an outsider makes him sound so typical of the sort of man who could do that, that the only surprising thing is that he didn't actually do it to you (thankfully). Really, you should be asking yourself how you can reconcile the denial you are still in about him to the obvious truth.

He sounds a nasty and unstable piece of shit. I frankly wouldn't let my Ds have cntact with such a man; I do not believe that fathers who abuse their child's mother have a right to see their children, nor do I believe that it would be beneficial for a child, especially a boy, to have that sort of toxic woman-hater as an influence or even role model.

Well done you on getting out. Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

You dont say anything to him no. Do you have a formal contact arrangement? In your position I would be phoning around for the next available solicitor's appointment. The time when an abuser is most likely to escalate is when he is losing control. The fact that he seems to think he might be able to "persuade" you to reconsider the breakup suggests to me that when he realises his persuasion isnt working he may try something else. Knowing what you now know I wouldnt want to risk waiting around for what that something else might be. Nip it in the bud by getting a solicitor and make all contact arrangements via the solicitor. I would also stop taking calls etc if you still are; keep communication in writing via the solicitor.

Thanks all. I know it seems obvious what I should do its just hard. Thanks again.

BTW... stop trying to be amicable. Amicable is something you do when you feel guilty about a situation. It is not on the cards when dealing with an abusive and manipulative person. You have to take a much harder line for the sake of yourself and your child. Give this man an inch and he'll take a mile.

Yes change how when and where you and your DS see him. Start with 'not at all' and work up from there. I agree with TwinkleReturns that you do not leave this to chance but get formal legal involvement & tell them everything you know about him. Children need love and stability. They do not need violent, abusive people in their life regardless of whether they happen to be a parent or not.

Agree with Twinkle. Have been in the samesituation with a EA and they are dangerous when they think they're losing control. Good luck x