Hello there
This may be better in mental health so I am sorry if its in the wrong place, but here goes anyway...
I am currently being treated for depression, am on ADs and have recently finished several months of therapy. It only finished because it was via IAPT and the maximum sessions he could offer was 20. He suggested I refer myself back in again. Towards the end of the 20 I found that the one thing left I could not talk about was my sex life, or lack of. Apparently I show signs of trauma and have certain disassociation strategies, which is having an effect on the relationship with dh as my natural reaction when I feel bad is to withdraw. This is something I am trying hard to change. I love my dh with all my heart and I am acutely aware that I put him through hell sometimes as I am angry a lot and find it difficult to accept affection.
In my past I have had several 'bad' experiences with men. In particular when I was 19 I found myself in a house full of people I didn't know, smoking drugs, and then woke in the morning in bed with a 40 something year old clearly having had sex. When I told my therapist about this he said there's a name for that, which shocked me. I had never seen what happened as 'rape'. It was actually only when I told him that I remember well that I injured in my hip, and he asked me about bruising, that I realised what it could have been.
Also a couple of uneasy experiences with much older men, my uncle when I was 12 inappropriately touched me and a man in the swimming pool (both of which make me shudder now in the light of recent news events). I have been pretty promiscuous through my life (I'm now 41), till me and dh got together. We used to have an active and adventurous sex life (uggh that makes me cringe saying that).
I think me and dh had issues anyway before I started counselling, but since then we've had no sex life at all. I know its getting him down. I feel repulsed by myself, both my own body and the feelings I have. I know in my heart that its normal to have a sex life, but if I ever get feelings in that direction I just want to shut them down. I don't want to feel the 'abandon' of sex.
I have finally managed to talk a little to dh about all this, and he suggested I speak to Rape Crisis. I had actually thought of that previously but thought with all the recent abuse stuff coming out I am assuming their phones are ringing off the walls. I don't really feel that what has happened to me is 'bad' enough. I have tried to refer myself back into IAPT but their contract is under review so the waiting list is not even moving at the moment. I've had a recent increase in ADs from the dr and feel a bit better, but have occasional real flashes of anger (I sometimes shout horribly at dd which breaks my heart and I need to stop). I have dark thoughts sometimes, but these are fewer now. I know Rape Crisis do counselling as well. Anyway I finally plucked up the courage to call tonight and there was no answer. I don't really know what to pursue or where to go next. There are various other things in my past as well (haven't we all), but how my relationships are currently affected is what I am most concerned about now. Would really appreciate any help/advice! Sorry this is long!