DP does all the talking. I do all the listening - I'm bored

[downgoesthefence]

We've been together for 5 years - no shared DCs - don't live together - both in our late 40s - professional types. We believe we have a future together and the sex is great.

DP is a talker - can engage with anyone and can be very good company, whilst I'm a miserable introverted cow not that comfortable with small talk and starngers but enjoy good two way conversations with friends and family. The problem is we've got into a habit of him doing all the talking and me doing all the listening. This was okay to start with as he would ask me about myself and seem really interested and ask for my views, advice etc which I liked.

Now however our lives aren't so entwined, but we're still very much together. But when we see each other he launches into telling me all about his day, every last bloody detail, it seems what someone said to him, his witty response etc and on and on.

He might break off briefly to ask what I've been upto. I say a couple of sentences (as I don't naturally just keep talking and talking like he does) - he listens but doesn't pick up on anything I've said and goes back to talking about himself. This makes me feel bored unloved and as though he's got no interest in me, that i'm just someone who'll listen to him which I am. I think we've just got into a habit of communicating like this. He's not a horrible selfish person who doesn't care about my feelings He thinks I'm actually intersted in all this stuff he tells me

In the past when I mentioned that i might like a chance to talk and be listened to, he's replied, something like, "I noticed you weren't saying much fence but thought if i kept talking it would encourage you to talk"

I'm thinking that those of you who are talkers won't actually understand this.

How can I change things?

It's the dismissive part that's worrying.

You could ignore his change os subject and continue talkin about your issue. Or challenge him, as perhaps he doesn't notice it.

I think that some people who talk a lot often feel like they have to fill all the empty spaces or else they feel uncomfortable. Other people are happy with some silences, particularly with people that they are really comfortable around.

Not sure what to suggest except maybe either think of things in advance to talk about, do more - films, read a book out loud together, cook, TV series that you both enjoy, some kind of activity - and create joint interests that way?

Or do what I do when my son is banging on about his latest obsession (Star Wars, Lego, Lego Star Wars, electric guitars....) which is say 'uhu' and 'really...great' every few minutes while thinking about something completely different.

I think people that talk about themselves endlessly are selfish arseholes.

Unfortunately there are so many of them around.

I'd give him another chance though - talk to him again. Tell him this is actually deeply bothering you/distressing you/boring you. See what his reaction and response is.

Do you still love him?

Either he's bored by the silences or he's a boring person who enjoys banging on about himself?

After 5 years only you know the answer to that.

"I say a couple of sentences (as I don't naturally just keep talking and talking like he does)"

Maybe try to keep talking? If you want to check someone's listening chuck in an 'am I right?' or 'you know what I mean?' along the way. If he starts talking about himself again interject with a good-natured 'I thought we were still talking about me...!' or 'but enough of what you think, let's talk about me again!'. Steal the conversation back rather than letting him carry on and sitting there in silence. Be more assertive?

Presumably his gregarious nature is one of the things you like about him. If he thinks you're interested you have to tell him you're not, basically. Courage.

Proudnscary - yes, I still love him, and life is nicer with him in my world.

Philip - maybe both of those options hold some truth.