Coronation Street is ringing too many bells and it's all I can think about

[ScaredandDesperate]

Ok some background first...
I was bought up around abuse. My Mum got pregnant young and my father didn't stick around. She later married and had more children, she decided not to tell me that my father was not her husband. I was bought up thinking he was my Dad. He was very abusive verbally towards me, he was violent towards my Mother. When I was finally told he wasn't my Father I felt betrayed but relieved and decided not to have anything to do with him.

I found my real Father and have a relationship with him. It's a little awkward and after 10 years I still don't know how I feel about him as a Father.

Fast forward to two years ago, I get involved with an older man, a violent man. He trapped me, he hit me, he raped me. He was verbally abusive and jealous and controlling.
I got out and have re-built my life.

I feel like I've papered over the cracks but I'm on the waiting list for therapy so I'm hoping this will help.

My worry is that I'm turning into the people that have surrounded me all my life.
I've never really seen it before but I've realised that I'm jealous and can be controlling in some ways. I would never be violent but I certainly see red when I'm angry.

Watching Coronation Street (it sounds ridiculous I know) has brought home how irrational I am and how jealous (over nothing) I have been all my adult life. Her behaviour rings lots of bells with me. Every relationship I've ever had. When I was in the abusive relationship it obviously didn't help.

I don't know what I want you to say. I needed to get it down as it's been on my mind for so long.

"My worry is that I'm turning into the people that have surrounded me all my life. "

I'm actually getting the opposite from your post. You may have started down the same road because you didn't know any better and you may have made some mistakes but, by your own admission, you've got out, rebuilt your life and you're conscious enough to see your flaws in TV characters and to sign up for therapy in order to change your future. To me, that's remarkably brave and self-aware, not a sign that you are unthinkingly copying bad behaviour patterns. Some people never get that insight... ever.

Well done for writing it down my love but Cognito is right...spot on in fact. You are able to analyse and want not to turn into that bad person.

Anger is a strange monster but it can be controlled. You are on the right path. Keep talking if it makes you feel better...

Agree with Cogito, the fact that you can see a pattern is fantastic and part of the recovery. Don't be too hard on yourself, you can forgive yourself and start to rebuild a life based on good things/ppl now.

Cogito thank you I've never really looked at it like that, I've been so consumed with guilt. I'm worried that I'm turning into an abuser myself and it scares the hell out of me

You mean Kirsty? OK, well done for recognising this. It's a massive step forward, and a hard one to take. I've been like this, too - not the same as her, but prone to niggling doubts & fears that would suddenly become all consuming.

This is a complicated story. It's not really possible to cut it short - and everyone's is a different variation - but I'll try. My abusiveness was always in response to being abused. I was unable to recognise the various forms of abuse (and could even excuse violence) being done to me. This was because of my background and it led to my being abused a lot. As I didn't realise what was happening, I didn't understand why I felt so angry and upset. My switch would flip, I'd lose it and this would give my abuser something else to punish me for.

Working through this mess does take therapy - lots of it, and it's hard going. The good news is, it works! While you're waiting, please do read the Stately Homes threads on here and the Emotional Abuse ones. You'll find plenty of recognition and, I'm guessing, a lot of very helpful insights and advice.

As soon as you've realised, you start to change. I can offer you two important messages. You need to be kind with yourself - accept that you kick off because you hurt. Try to understand that pain, and give yourself more sympathy than criticism. The other thing is that we do not have to act on our feelings. Feelings are just feelings; neither good nor bad. With therapy, you'll learn how to figure them out but, for now, just observe them and wait for the 'kick' to pass. It does pass - always. Deep breathing and counting to ten help a lot!

Good luck :)

You are right to be scared, but being aware is a good thing. Any idea when your therapy will start? Can you get it moved forward by telling them how you are feeling now and how it's getting worse?? Can you afford any private sessions until these others start?

Also - I am very sorry you had such a shitty start in life and that it lead you into such a horrible, abusive relationship :(

Cross-posted with everyone :) Yes, I agree with the others!

The fact that the prospect scares you is why you'll never be an abuser. Abusers are not bothered, let alone scared about their behaviour. You will learn to manage your jealousy and anger because you want to do it and you want others to feel safe around you. An abusive person wouldn't even try.

I'm glad to hear that therapy does work. Being on the waiting list for months and months makes it a hard wait.

My main worry is that I'm hurting the people who love me. I am lucky enough to have a support network of people who love me unconditionally and they are the last people who I want to hurt.

Scared, I know where you're at.

What actually gave me the shove to finally leave my incredibly abusive ex was due to my own behaviour towards the end. I had began to mirror his abuse, so many years had I lived with it. I became frightened of the person I'd become and knew I couldn't live like that anymore.

The therapy will help. I spent 2 years in counselling and it's the best thing I've ever done and enabled me to forgive myself and you will too.

I wrote this post expecting something a lot different to what you have said. I have hated myself for this behaviour.

I am so grateful for your positivity, especially after it took so much to write it. It made it all a little more real.

They shouldn't love you unconditionally. Unconditional love is only for children and pets. The fact that you are surrounded by people who love you shows you must be a very nice person but don't take the piss!

Mumsnet is better than therapy in some ways - certainly, it makes a very powerful combination with therapy. Have a look at Stately Homes and the links in the first post.

Your support network are presumably realistic enough not to expect you to morph overnight into Mother Theresa? :) What's important is to apologise if you mess up and keep making your very best effort to improve. Whether the problems ar big or small that's all anyone can do actually.

I've been very open and honest with everyone and they have been brilliant, which is why I feel so strongly about getting myself sorted.

You are aware of it. You are taking responsibility.

Nothing wrong with you.

Solesource is so right.

My ex still doesn't question his behaviour and will still maintain that it was my fault the times that he hit me - anybody faced with me would have done the same. There is/was no guilt, no worrying about whether he's an abuser or any self-analysis what so ever. I made him behave like that, no responsibility at all for his own behaviour.

I didn't become physically abusive but I certainly did verbally and only I could change that.