I'm feeling shakey and tearful and need some perspective-Mum.

[HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss]

I will try not to write an essay about my childhood, just the basic facts. My mum left me and my dad when I was 4. I don't really remember anything about the break up, and it wasn't discussed. I know she did move in with another partner. My dad raised me alone and I had no contact with her whatsover.

She contacted me when I was 16, I met up with her for one afternoon, and we visited my nana. I then didn't see her again until I was 20, she was engaged and wanted me to meet her fiance. We then sporadically had contact for about 18 months, I went to her wedding, she went to mine, we saw each other a lot in the middle of those as nana had cancer and eventually died.

After the wedding I rang several times, left messages, and posted a copy of a lovely photo of the 2 of us at my wedding. She never replied so I gave up. Being ignored by her was nothing new. I was 21.

At 22 I had my eldest dd, I was very ill, we both nearly died, and as she was born at 30 weeks this added to the stress. I was very angry that I didn't have a mum to support me, it kind of hit home once I became a mother myself how rejected I felt.

I suffered PND quite badly, had ds1 at 23 and then was crippled by PND. Finally got better, had dd2 at 25, and ds2 at 27. Just after ds2 was born, ds1 was diagnosed with high functioning autism. I have had several bouts of depression and anxiety problems. Ds2 has had a severe speech delay and has needed a lot of help, he and dd2 are currently being assessed for autism.

Basically the last 10 years (dd1 is now 10, youngest ds2 is 5) has been a whirlwind. A very stressful one, and had it not been for dh I don't think I could have coped.

On facebook last week (yes the dreaded FB, I know, I know) I saw a photo of my cousin's son's birthday, my mother was there, pics of her hugging her great nieces and nephews being the fab great Aunt. It was my ds2s birthday the mext day. It stung like you wouldn't believe and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all week.

I couldn't sleep last night and (foolishly) sent quite a bitter message to her via FB last night. She's not on my friends list but I could message her.

She has just replied with this

^Hello,
I have waited a long time to hear from you and despite your words I am pleased to hear from you. I feel that we have much to discuss and should meet as I do not think that you are fully aware of events many years ago and frankly, I am tired of being held responsible for everything that went wrong.
I have to go to Wales as it is my father in law's funeral today, but I did not want you to think that I will not reply. I will write more fully when I get back later today, in the meantime.....xxxxx^

I feel sick, shaky and confused. What should I say/do?

I feel so resentful towards her, and rejected by her. A lot of my insecurities and depression are down to this. Should I just move on, or find out what she has to say?

Or any other advice. Please.

I haven't been close to mums family for the last 10 years, partly because of the chaos of life, partly because we don't live that close, but yes, some of that avoidance is, on some level, because of her. They were there for me as a child though.

I have been speaking to my cousins online a lot lately, and have been discussing a meet up over Christmas, which is something positive to focus on.

And yes, I'm technically an only child, apart from the sister who is legally my aunt

Reading that, I´m now thinking that if you can do without her then do so.

She´s had plenty of time to tell you anything that she thought was important.

The aunt who doesn't speak to her - is that the one that is really your sister?

i was in a fairly similar position to you OP, last year.

I obviously cant tell you what to do - but this is what i did. I also got a message out of the blue on FB from my mother. I had left home at 15, and seen little of her since. She chose an abusive man over me, and allowed him to abuse me from the age of 7 until i left at 15. She had another baby to this man (my half brother) whom she appears to dote on, though he was not without his issues and spent 10 years on heroin, 2 of those living rough in a tent.

So,
i got a message from her out of the blue. I had ceased contact for good 12 years ago. my choice. In the meantime my mothers husband had died. the message was happy go lucky, no mention of the past, said something about if i wanted to talk about it i could be it was all water under the bridge.

well - its not for me. i still bear the physical and mental scars.

so i didnt reply - i went for counselling first to explore my own feelings and work through the possibilities. None of the outcomes i could forsee were good for me or my own nuclear family (ive a DH of 21 years and 2 children) so after about 11 months of counselling i decided to leave things exactly as they are.There is nothing she can say that will make me feel better.

it was slightly complicated by the fact i had tried to instigate some contact with my half brother and thats what had led to contact from my mother - but i felt i was being pushed by my (younger and more immature) half brother who clearly still had lots of issues.
after much soul searching i cut contact with him too.

there was my fanstasy outcomes - and then there was reality.

I felt there was nothing that could come of any of it for me. My counselling got off to a rocky start and i switched counsellor after the first 4 sessions, the second counsellor was brilliant.

have you considered counselling?

Thank you again for all of the replies, it's giving me a lot to think about, and I feel a lot calmer than I did this morning after getting it all out.

Sorry, I've babbled a bit and confused things.

The Aunt who didn't speak to her is her bio sister, and they do speak now. The family she sees socially is this sisters family.

The aunt who my bio sister lives abroad and doesn't see anyone.

She may have a perfectly valid reason for walking out on your dad all those years ago.

She may have a reason she never bothered with you. Shame if she didn't use all available methods to see you.

She has no reason for not contacting you since you reestablished contact.

If she is going to try and use a line why she has not bothered since you became an independent adult from when she left when you were 4 then it will be bull in my opinion.

Beware what you might want to hear from her to heal your hurt, as that is unlikely to materialise.

No doubt she has explanations for her behaviour that sound rational and excusable to her. That doesn't mean that they are. Your hurt is legitimate, and I strongly suspect that she is unlikely to acknowledge that.

If you subconsciously (or consciously) still want anything from her - whether it is love or recognition or validation or an apology - then avoid any more contact with her, as it is only likely to cause more pain.

If you are angry and want to have it out with her, be aware that it is unlikely to bring closure as she most likely won't really hear what you say or acknowledge your feelings.

So really, I would recommend that you only continue contact if you feel rock hard strong, sorted, and able to deal with all your childhood pain.

I thought it would be surprising if her other (also abandoned, I notice, although differently) daughter were on good terms with her.

I am all for giving people second/third chances but it sounds like she is one of those women who are genuinely not cut out for motherhood. Finding out about her motivation as though you were reading a book or watching a film about someone else might be interesting.

In all honesty she will most likely fuck off again in a few months when she loses interest.

Oh Mistletoe.

Sorry to hear about your PND. Like you once I became a parent I realised how shoddy My DM's behaviour was and it made me feel so sad.

She has been in and out of my life since I was born ? usually absences of 4 of 5 years over some perceived injustice towards her once she cut off contact with me for 5 years as when she called I asked if I could ring her back later as I had to get to an exam. When DD was born the 1st time she did this over me attending a another relatives funeral (apparently not putting her 1st) this was the last chance she got and I warned her at the time ?if you do this you will not be invited back as I will not have DD going through what I went through?.

I would be interested in what she has to say but as CogitoErgo says judge her words in context with her actions as it sound like you have given her every opportunity to be a part of your life.

I'm trying to think what I want.

I am angry with her, and also want to understand why she has been like this, even if it's just realising she's a heartless bitch. I don't want her as a mother as such, but in all honesty it would be good to have some sort of relationship, even if it were only seeing each other 2/3 times a year so long as it was reliable and healthy contact.

I'm painfully aware this may not be possible, in fact is improbable.

You're probably right about the fucking off Horatio.

I think I will show dh this thread later, let him read through, and then talk with him.

I'm sorry for those that have had similar painful experiences. Thanks for sharing them though, it is helpful.

(((Headfirst)) I'd probably see what she says, but i don;t think there is any excuse. Whatever happened when you were little doesn't excuse the fact that she hasn't been there for you as an adult either. Would counselling help? Sorry you had such a shit mother, i hope you get some comfort from the friends and family who are there for you.

Counselling I'm not sure about. I did once agree to telephone counselling when I was having a lot of panic attacks and anxiety.

Unfortunately, one of the triggers of an attack was the phone ringing!

It didn't work out, but I can laugh about it now!

It is something else to consider though.

Sorry, I know lots of you asked about counselling, kept forgetting to answer that one.

I hate getting landline calls too. Totally sympathise with that!

Is it worth talking to your dad about this? Tell him that she wants to meet and seems to have some sort of revelation to share - if there really is a reason for her leaving this might be a good time for him to off-load. I do think you'll need to reassure him that you're cynical & although something may have happened to make her leave initially, her continued absence isn't so easy to forgive etc. So sorry to hear you've had to put up with this all your life and if nothing else it may give you some closure

i was very sceptical about counselling too headfirst but actually it really helped "settle" me. Im now happy with my decisions, am guilt free and not constantly asking myself "what if" or pining for what i cannot and did not have.

i had "rewind" therapy for the abuse which made it possible to not burst into tears if those memories ever came up.

the counsellor was wonderful and a revelation. i dont think it would have worked over the phone.

i would also caution you that if you open a dialogue it is highly unlikely you are going to hear what you want to hear. be aware of that.

Did she use your name in the greeting, or was it 'hello' as you have copied in your OP?

I have waited a long time to hear from you...
eh?? you sent her photos after your wedding but no response - the ball was clearly in her court.

frankly I am tired of being held responsible for everything...
Who's holding her responsible? Not you from what you've said ie you haven't given her any grief for walking out - until now. Frankly?: not a good choice of words but very telling ie that she is dismissive and tired of the whole shebang, which she goes on to say. She doesn't seem to be, or want to be, aware of how you may be feeling about the whole thing; that 'tired' would be a luxury in comparison to the pain you have endured for a long time.

she also says she'll talk 'later' - that's a headfuck imo. You're left waiting. I guess that's not an unfamiliar feeling...

imo she has abandoned you over and over again; and my guess is she will continue to do so. imo she refuses to accept responsibility for what she has done and imo I doubt that will change. I think any communication with her will always been painful because of this. The 'look at me and my girls all together' comment was so deeply inappropriate.

I am such a fan of counselling, it really is the dog's bollocks. ime of friends who have been 'abandoned' by their mothers when they were young (ie either literal abandonment or death), it has had a longstanding effect on their lives. I'm not surprised to hear you've battled with depression for many years. imo counselling addresses the grief/loss/rejection/disappointment/pain/confusion; as well as giving some perspective on why people behave in these awful ways, helping you to achieve peace around what is potentially extremely painful and destabilising.

Well done btw for letting her have it. It's long overdue but the time has come.

Very good post hopespringy I agree with everything you have said.

There is a lot of 'I' in her message - she has waited; she feels; she is tired of...

Speak to her for sure but maybe write down what you want to say to her and what you want to know from her before you see her so it is clear in your mind.

However, I wouldn't expect anything to be resolved in a conversation with her. Sounds to me like she has her own agenda for a conversation with you and this will probably have more relevance to the child she abandoned than the woman you arfe now - and whom she has sadly neglected to get to know properly.

Good luck.

Please, I've posted another thread, with an update. Sorry for not getting back, I've been living in blissful ignorance until i got another reply from her.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1629883-Shakey-and-tearful-Mum-I-need-more-advice-please