What do you call it when...?

[mayihaveaboxofchoculaits]

You say "dog/daughter is doing such and such now" ,and they say "yes she does such and such for me too, and I get her to do.. They always refer everything back to themselves.

The person never,ever sees things from your angle, if there's is a minor dispute with the kids for example,they dont register it,and if you mention it , i guess to connect or get support, its your fault, not theirs.

Whenever you ask for help, its an effort,they tend not to respond and if you ask for something specific , they get something else and sulk if you dont enthuse about their choice, not getting thatthey have discounted your choice.
Its very demotivating, and I could give advice to anyone else, but I guess I need to hear stuff from someone impartial.

Is this passive aggression?
or something else?

I dont feel there is a "we", maybe there never was, and the more dependant I am the more obvious its becoming.

|Any comments would be gratefully recieved.

I'd call it basic self-centredness and inconsideration with a dash of attention-seeking & 'I know best'-ism thrown in for good measure. I'm also getting 'immaturity' from that description. Choices, compromises and disputes require a level of adult responsibility this person seems unwilling or unable to accept.

Cognito- Thanks for replying, its very lonely overthinking stuff.

We've been together since '85, and ive done the housefrau bit (housefraued into a corner I suppose). I can see a lack of respect and he is the sole wage earner/works hard/stressed... which i can make allowances for. But ,friendship,intimacy and non finantial trust are missing. Living with someone without these things is sterile.

I am thinking of ways to woman up to this, but its hard.

Did you get together young?

no but we were each others first.

It's just that I picked up 'immaturity' originally and what sometimes happens when people get together young (or maybe 'inexperienced' is more accurate in your case) is that they get stuck with the mental age and attitudes they had when they first met and never really develop. You didn't mention originally that this was a partner of nearly 30 years, for example. I actually wondered if you were talking about slightly prickly and selfish mother/MIL, an ex husband or - at a pinch - a young adult DC finding it difficult to cope with step-siblings

I note you mention 'dependent' in your first post and 'non financial trust' in your second. There's also something about asking this person to buy specific things but they seem to go off and ignore you Are you saying that you have no independence, your opinion isn't taken seriously, no personal income and that access to money is being withheld? ....

If so, and if you're constantly being faulted, denied friendship, respect and are having to make allowances for his 'stress' besides then I'm going to go back on what I said originally and advise you that this is a very unhealthy relationship. Less 'immaturity' and far more 'controlling'... and, if you had no experience of other relationships prior to this to use as benchmarks, that's pretty normal

Context is everything I guess, and immaturity can come from both sides, but now the kids are more grown up, I dont have the authority I could hold myself (which is ok, I know parenthood is a letting go process,and I know this is a cliche).
i guess Ive always been a married single person.

But do you feel in control of your own life.... why are you asking him to buy things, for example?

I misleading you I guess. I do have finantial access and authority over spending if I choose. By dependant I mean mild health issue and long time not employed (not related to condition).
I think I need to create my life again, and hope he follows on.

ok the buying things is not such an issue ,just an example.
Say we need a sofa/holiday/anything major , whatever I put forward with reasons is eroded.
and now i'm typing it it sounds so very petty,I know,but the end result is we buy everything separately and the house is a collection of his stuff and my stuff.
God, this sounds like im out of the door already.

I think the word you may have been thinking of was "narcissism". (This is not a medical diagnosis, before anyone jumps down my throat; I'm talking about a personality type, not necessarily a disorder.) It's someone who is the centre of their own universe, who finds it quite hard if not impossible to empathise with anyone else. Either you want what they want or you're being deliberately obstructive. They will do anything to deflect blame (often due to having had an excessively demanding or punitive parent). Anything good you have, they either have or want better; everything bad, either they don't believe it or they've got something worse. Living with one of these is like a competition instead of a partnership. It's not healthy, but if you're basically content to stay together you develop techniques to prevent them trampling all over you and sort of cajole them into behaving mostly like a decent spouse. A bit like having an extra toddler who never grows up.

Sort of annie,but maybe more defensive with me,deflects blame like you wouldnt beleive. Which is odd because I dont blame as a matter of course. Its like hes goes on the attack to defend himself. After all this time he should know better.
He will listen to anyone else but just not me.always has looking back .If i have a problem then im left to deal with it myself, and if I cant, then it doesnt exsist.
I have ms,which is after a very long time is now effecting my walking and i'm starting to feel vunerable. Like I say a single married.