Nervous, scared, going to meet Mil

[MrsBucketxx]

a bit of back story dh amd mil fell out not long after we met 6 years ago i have met her twice in all that time.

she said some pretty nasty things before our wedding and has never met our children.

dh has held out an olive branch as recently she has been made a widow and doesnt want her to feel alone etc.

i know this is a good think that things are getting better between them, and she want to meet our dc. i feel sick with nervs over the whole thing and very protective over my dc, who will have this new lady in their lives but who knows how long for etc.

how would you deal with this? am i being over sensitive.

Gosh I would be sick with nerves.

Are you taking the kids as well, or just you and DH first? Are the DC old enough to understand what's going on?

she is coming here yo my home, with his sister, who we havent seen for two years either.

i always said i would let her back in our lives, but i cant deny dh a mom or dc a gradparent either.

dc are small 1 and 2.

I wouldn't be meeting her at your house tbh - not for the first time with your DC. I would suggest changing it to somewhere neutral, like a restaurant / hotel.

i would rather do this on my turf, the dc will be happier too.

neutral could be a nightmare with two toddlers.

So is your husband going to be there as well?

yes he is, after what she said before my wedding ill be fighting the urge to do one tbh,

What did they fall out over?.

How do you yourself think such a meeting will go?.

Your H and yourself need to present a united front with regards to his mother and sister (did she side with her mother after the falling out?). Your DH and yourself need to have boundaries in place with regards to these people in terms of what is and is not acceptable to you.

These people may not have changed at all and such a meeting could end up going wrong very quickly. I would have arranged a neutral venue as well but I understand why you have invited them instead into your home.

Good luck and be fully prepared for them to go on the defensive.

What did she say before the wedding?.

she told me i needed all the luck in the world be be marrying her son.

the fell out over nothing really. mostly her ex husband who died recently, no animosity with his sister just cut contact for no reason, she is nice it was all a bit odd.

I would approach her as I would any other relative stranger. Be polite & be yourself but don't make special allowances or bite your tongue if she gets out of line. Be a grown-up, basically.

i will, just a bit scared :( it coukd go wrong and dc could be hurt.

Why would DCs be hurt by a random old lady with whom they have no relationship? Children, IME, tend to take people on face value and are pretty black/white about whether they like them or don't like them. As you're not planning on being with this woman 24/7 and their exposure will be limited, they won't have time to develop feelings that might get hurt.... she'll be as relevant to them as the local postman.

Why would she say such a horrible thing about her own son? Has he always treated him like this? Attila is very helpful on this topic and there are plenty of people on MN with experience of mothers/MILs like that (me included)
Your DC wont be hurt, but your DH may be. Totally agree on united front and agreeing what you want from the visit and any relationship. If I had to go and see my MIL (no if I'm honest I wouldn't do it, under any corcumstance) but I would be physically ill.

'neutral could be a nightmare with two toddlers.'

True. It can also be a perfect excuse to leave if MIL is being a bitch the DC are tired.

If they are at your house, you can't leave, meaning they are in control over how long they stay. It also gives people the opportunity to be snide about your home / taste / decor if they are at the house.

Can you meet somewhere that involves movement - park, go for a walk or something so that the children are busy and unlikely to pick up on the atmosphere, and it will give you something to talk about too. I would be wary of having her in my house first time round tbh. If it doesn't go well you may feel as though your space has been invaded a bit.