Think I need to have the I'm not happy talk.

[SilveryMoon]

Ok. Here goes. Again.
I need to talk to dp about how unhappy I am and have been.
He must be miserable too. We barely talk . I'm in a mood whenever he's around and find I am very short tempered in his presence.
How am I supposed to start? What do I say?
No idea how to do this or what I want.
I'm scared of what I might say or what he might say.

We need to talk.
I'm not happy and haven't been happy for a long time.
We barely exchange two words without it ending in an argument
I want more out of life than feeling this miserable.
Where do you see this going?

... the only reason to be scared is if you don't have the courage of your convictions. If you know what it is you want... whether that's extra effort on the relationship, some space to think or a complete finish.... then prepare your ground accordingly. Know what you are going to say in advance, anticipate any replies and follow through accordingly.

Thanks.
We don't argue, I don't think either of us care enough to.
I think I want a complete finish.
The thing that stop me is that I can't afford to rent or pay childcare.

Thanks.
We don't argue, I don't think either of us care enough to.
I think I want a complete finish.
The thing that stop me is that I can't afford to rent or pay childcare.

Money is rarely a good idea to tolerate the intolerable. Have you looked into what you'd be entitled to in terms of tax credits and other benefits? Do your family know you'll be needing support? Can you rent somewhere cheaper? Do you know how much maintenance you'd get from your exP? If you really want something you can find a way around it with a little creativity. If you're half-hearted then it's usually because the situation isn't that bad.

I really don't know.
We have a shared ownership property, I'm registered as living there but am not on the books iyswim.
I bring home about 12 hundred a month. My dcs would need to attend after school club at a Cost of about four hundred a month on top of the four hundred I pay for part time care of ds 2 already.
My family aren't local. If I went to them I'dhave to pull dcs out of school and give up my job. Not that my p parents have room for us.
Suppose it does sound like I'm making excuses. Need to find out what he wants

The thing is, I've been on at him for yearsto help me around the house and with the children and he is getting better. Finally. But it winds me up whenever he does anything. He whinges at the dcs all the time which pissses me off and then I end up shouting at them.
It needs to stop.
He doesn't support me in anything I do. He seems uninterested in us.

As money is a sticking point, try putting your details into two online calculators.

First one is the CSA calculator here which will give you an idea about how much contribution your partner would be making towards the children.
Second is the Turn2Us Benefits Calculator <a class="break-all" href="http://www.turn2us.entitledto.co.uk/entitlementcalculator.aspx?ref=www.turn2us.org.uk/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here which will give you an idea about what you could expect from things like tax credits and other benefits.

Neither are totally definitive... you could reach a better private arrangement for the children, for example... but it should give you an idea how much extra to your £1200 that you could work on each month. Good information means better decisions.

If you want to find out about practical options, search for olgaga's posts as they contain a huge number of useful links.

But if you are already sure you want to leave, then having "the talk" may not solve anything as you will not be committing yourself to really finding a way ahead together and this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I disagree... You can really only have 'the talk' when you've made up your mind what the outcome should be. If it's 'stay' then the talk is angled one way and you're looking for particular commitments and responses. If it's 'leave' then it's a different type of talk. Go into a discussion unsure of what you want to happen next and 9/10 times you will end up feeling you've sold yourself short.

If you know you are leaving, then The Talk is redundant, and it may be better just to go.

If you want to see if there is anything worth taking forwards, then you need to be open to that as a possibility. There is no need to sell yourself short in doing that if you have any wish to forge a new future with that partner, though of course if you already know you do not want to stay it would certainly feel like that.

It's never redundant when you have children to consider. Who just packs up and leaves without a word of explanation?

I wouldn't just pack up and leave.
I think too much of him to just do that. I need to find out how he feels and what hewants
I don't know if I want to go because our relationship can't move forward or if I want to stay because it's easier.
A decision will have to be mutual I think.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a very long talk about where you are now and where you want to be.
Too many people on here will tell you to divorce or to leave the bastard but your situation can be fixed with work from both sides. You both must want to have to make things better. Men are not cleaver they think the way to make a woman happy is to have more sex men see that as a clear indicator that everything is fine in a relationship. However as you know this is not the case

Find a time when you will not be disturbed and talk to him let him know just how upset you are and work things out if you can

good luck

Men are not cleaver they think the way to make a woman happy is to have more sex men see that as a clear indicator that everything is fine in a relationship.

If nothing, this comment proves that you get the advice you pay for...

We had a long talk tonight where I tried toexplain how I feel. It went ok but I still feel he doesn't fully understand where I'mcoming from.
He's not very good at talking in general, nevermind about this stuff.
He said he doesn't know why I hate him so much and he'd do anything to keep me.
It's def worth every shot so hopefully we can work through it.