New partner better future - too soon to move on for son and ex?? Or put me and son first for once!!!!

[Angelv]

I left my abusive husband nearly 5 months ago now, but in my head I left him about a year ago. I have met someone else, we work together and are in love. We have been seeing each other, I appreciate it is close to the split of my 9 year relationship, but I did know him as a friend for a while before, but mainly I can't help how I feel. Things are still raw with my ex. He is still an arse and controlling, but that aside he suspects I am seeing someone (my friend has met my 4 year old, who adores him, and talks about him all the time, even though he actually hasn't spent much time with him) I can imagine how hard that must be for my ex, as although over in my head a long time ago, not in his, and quite disturbingly he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, thinks his behaviour is normal.
My ex is obsessed with ruining my life, threats etc, I have logs for the police and am getting help with my own insecurities. He uses our son as a weapon, I accept that this is because he is the pathetic arse that he is, and deep down I don't anticipate him to stay in our sons life. He has already cut his contact of his own accord and threatened 3 times now to never see him again.
Anyway, this actually isn't about the abuse or control. My new partner worries the impact this would have on my son, my son only knows him as a friend. My ex is aware he is in my life as my sons talks about him, but he doesn't know on what level. My np has seen the affection me and my son after a threat, and although I feel 10 time stronger now and I am not scared of him, the fear on my face and the screaming of my son haunts him. Also my ex has been rude to my friends and family over the years, np friends and family are very important to him and he is worried that they could be dragged into this at future sons bday parties etc etc. my np does not want to be the reason my son doesn't have a relationship with his father, as much as I have explained he has threatened that before, he doesn't want that on his conscience, which I completely understand. What doesn't help is that this is all so soon, but surely sometimes you can't help that and it can still work.
My np said if this were 6 months to a year down the line it would be easier, but then how can we stay in limbo, get to a years time for him to realise my ex is still an arse, and then still have the same feelings....what is my son gets closer in this time....
This is so hard for me as my np puts my son first more that my ex ever did, he actually talks to him and spends time with him, and wants him to be part of his future too, but not at the expenses of the relationship with his dad, and although for the long run in our future I think that is best, it is not my decision, nor can I be certain he will leave us alone. Don't know what to do.... Me and np feel so sad that we have to stop this just because my ex doesn't out his own son first, and we don't want to be the excuse he uses
Anyone got any advice?
Thanks

You posted threads on this subject last Monday and also last Tuesday and you were given excellent advice on both occasions.

Why are you posting again?

Setting aside your past with the ex, i dont think its helpful to have a new partner so present in your sons life and home. Im sorry, i know it must feel good to move on after your abusive relationship but your son will have gone through the ringer too and involving another man so soon is unlikely to be a good thing for him long term. It sounds like your boyfriend thinks this tooand maybe pulling back somewhat?

I dont want to sound harsh, i do empathise, but what your son needs is a strong, stable home life in order to repair whatever damage the previous relationship has caused him. You dont know that this new relationship will last and, lets be pragmatic, statistically it wont - there is no reason why your son even needed to be aware of your new 'friend' at all, he shouldnt have to be subject to the thin ice of an untested relationship.

I know thats not what you want to hear but please think about your son and protecting him from any more uncertainty.

One was posted on wrong forum in error, didn't know how to delete.
Sorry if this isn't what I should do? Just wanted advice this time on actually moving on with new person and effect that may have on son and ex rather than ex's behaviour towards me. Appreciate advice I received before, but I have never been in this situation before, hard to just say to ex deal with it when everything is still raw no matter whether he deserves it or not, i am not setting out to hurt him. I wondered if anyone else had started a relationship like this. In the long run my ex can do what he wants I don't care but I do want to start a new relationship on the right foundations and do what is best for my son and that's what I would like some help with. I'm really struggling with what to do

Thanks for the advice. My son does adore his dad, which is why I have tried to encourage their relationship and wouldn't stop it. My son met my friend as only a friend - as I have my son almost all the time ( his dad has had him for a couple of hours over the last 7 weeks) how else am I meant to see my friends? No different to him knowing my female friends surely?? And no matter what happens we will stay friends, we were friends first.
My son is my priority and that is why, even though I have these feelings we haven't moved forward, and my son would never be Aware of a relationship until I was positive. I suppose my question is do we see how things go and keep in slow and very private or best to completely call it a day and then see where we are in a year or so.... If we decide to try I am not going to be moving him or anything stupid, just want to know if we can keep the foundations there.

Your ex is you ex, he exists only in relation to your son. You cannot, and must not, allow his feelings to dictate your choices, be respectful, dont rub his face in it of course but beyond that...fuck him.

Yous son, however, needs to at the forefront of yyour mind and the deciding factor in what you choose to do, he comes before your ex, your new bf and before yourself.

Keep seeing your new bloke if thats what you both want but resolve to stop involving him in your sons life. Theres no need for it at all at this stage. Let your son enjoy the new life you both have together away from the abusive relationship he has had to endure. Concentrate on making him secure and happy.

And of course this will have the knock-on effect that you wont need to worry about your ex hearing about your love life via your son from now on (as you are obviously concerned about that).

It really doesnt need to be this complicated, get sme boundaries in place. For you but more importantly (because unlike you he has NO choice here) for your little boy.

So... Your bf has hardly met your son and is intoduced only as another friend?

If thats the case, then im confused as to what the problem is

Thank you, my son often talks about my friends my ex is fixated on any male friend but again his issue. I don't want to antagonise him.
I have loved rebuilding my life with my little boy, and we have a great future, even if that always just be the two of us. Is having any friends of the opposite sex really so bad? iis that so unsettling for my son, he knew him as a friend whilst i was still with my ex and met him, as he was just my friend. I am exactly the same with them as I am with female friends, and meet with them and their children or as couples where I'm friends with both.

So whats the problem then?

You asked is it too soon for your ex and your son but clearly dont believe (or perhaps want to believe) that there is any negative for your son.

So really youre just asking is it too soon for your ex? Why do you care?

The problem isn't my son at all, I am not looking to interrupt our new routine and fresh start. What ever we decide my son won't see any difference. We however want to put my son first, but I don't want us to get even closer only to find it is impossible down the line, or if my ex does make things hard if he did find out I was seeing someone new. although he knows my son as a friend we have already discussed keeping that distance, as hard as it is because they get on well, and know each other anyway, I want no major impact on my son.

I have my son almost all the time, with very little support. If I keep them separate completely moving forward, we have no time to see if we would work, as I couldn't even really see him as a friend or they wouldn't be separate.. My ex has already kicked off at suspicions, I am worried what his reaction would be if he knew for sure and whether he would not see his son anymore, we don't want to be responsible for ruining their relationship

I also want the time to see how things develop etc, almost impossible when I am almost a 24/7 mum

OK, first you need to cut contact with your ex to the absolute minimum: what you do is none of his business. Inform him that he is only to contact you via email and only regarding your son; ignore any texts or phone calls from him, do not allow him in your house etc. Report any misbehaviour from him to the police.

As to your male friend, it's fine for him to be in your son's life as a family friend (from your son's point of view); again, if there is any harassment from your ex, report it to the police.

You are not responsible for how your ex chooses to conduct his relationship with his son. If he is willing to jeapordise it due to jealousy then thetes not a strong bond there anyway, is there?

Why doesnt he see his son more often? Hes had him a couple of hors in the last two months, thats fucking shameful. Why cant he have him one day and night per week? Would free up time for you and new bloke too.

And why would ex kick off if ds already knew new bloke anyway? Whats changed? Is he staying over? I assume so if youre saying you have no time away from ds. Tbh i think you are contradicting yourself in order to dismiss things you dont want to consider (possible negative effect on your son being exposed to new relationship so soon).

Wouldnt any of your friends babysit so you can conduct your relationship away from your son? The things im thinking about in relation to your son would actually have the knock-on effect of avoiding the issues you are concerned about: your new relationship and your ex.

do what you want. Just try to be honest with yourself.

And STOP trying to appease your ex. You ar not responsible for him AT ALL.

Ex is kicking off because that is the kinda of guy he is. I won't go into details but its not like he is just an arse now, because of this. He is controlling and drops contact with his son as a way of trying controlling me.
No way has new partner stayed over, my son comes first. He has never seen any affection between us, only as friends.
We are just trying to do the right thing, and not jump into anything, and not be in a position where my son is aware and /or affected. Just wanted some advice. Feel like I'm being made to feel guilty when I haven't done anything, just trying to get all the facts and consider everything before continuing or anyone getting hurt. The time we have spent together as a couple and realised our feelings has been the times I do have a babysitter or meet for lunch when son is at school, or talking in the evening once my son is in bed. This is not something physical and I will not put my son through heartache

Well then...you are doing everything really well!

Im not trying to make you feel guilty i just dont understand what your concern is!

Your son isnt being affected, you are not involving him in the new relationship.

You cant do anything about your ex. He's a twat, he will always be a twat and sadly he will probably walk away from your son at some point anyway. And you know what? Your son will probably be better of for it!

Dont ALLOW him to control you. I think you should formalise contact,set times agreed in advance and no contact other than the bare minimum necessary to facilitate contact.

Honestly, youre doing great. But youll be doing so much better once you have cut all but necessary contact with your ex.

Going by this post and your earlier threads last week, this is about the new man's reluctance to commit to a relationship with you for fear of what your ex might do.

Are you sure he's not using these alleged fears as his get of jail card because he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him?