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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I was abusive and ignorant.Now i realise i was wrong

46 replies

papa123 · 25/11/2012 11:25

my wife has left me a few months ago because i was abusive,controling and underminding her ,we have been together for almost 6 years and been married for nearly 4 years . I love her very much and im sorry for what i did but there is a restrain order and i cannot express myself or talk to her, its killing me .I am doing an idap course for dv and its helping me a lot ,a lot of things that i didnt know or thaught it was normal but no it was dv or emotional abuse .i am so sorry for what i did . I was and still always against any sort of abuse towards woman but beleive me i dont know how i got into this situation ,we were in love and i love her and will do any thing to get her and the kids back .I see them once a week and they are young please help me to get her back

OP posts:
LittleEdie · 25/11/2012 11:29

No.

coppertop · 25/11/2012 11:31

Re-read your post and see how many times you use the word "I". It's still all very much about you, isn't it?

Let your wife re-build her life.

Jemma1111 · 25/11/2012 11:32

If you love someone you don't abuse them

Original poster
papa123 · 25/11/2012 11:33

i could use (we) instead

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 25/11/2012 11:36

Leave your wife alone. If you love her, let her re-build her life in peace.

Finish the domestic violence course & stay away from your ex.

It's not about you. She sounds like she's made her choice.

Leave her alone.

Leverette · 25/11/2012 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
papa123 · 25/11/2012 11:39

what should i say the familly is a team i was wrong

OP posts:
strumpetpumpkin · 25/11/2012 11:40

Leave her alone.

maristella · 25/11/2012 11:42

If you really had the capacity to love anyone but yourself you would not have been abusive towards your wife.

My advice would be for you to respect her wishes.

izzyizin · 25/11/2012 11:54

The family is a team? That's come straight from what you've been told on some course or other, hasni't it? It's glaringly obvious that it couldn''t possibly have come from you because you''re not a team player.

You've put a woman who was deluded enough to care for you through hell and have also inflicted god knows what torment on innocent children.

Hopefully, she's well on the way to divorcing you and the only contact you'll have with the children you've terrorised will be supervised in an accredited contact centre.

It's also to be hoped that if you embark on relationships with other women they'll take steps to check your police record before falling victim to your dubious charms.

Now, off you fuck and don't sully this board again.

izzyizin · 25/11/2012 12:04

WARNING I suspect the OP has followed his dw to this board.

Obviously his type will be recognised by many but it may be that one unlucky- mumsnetter will see his lies-- post for what it is and thisll act as further affirmation that she has taken the right, and the only, course of action in leaving this abusive self-entitled and self-pitying creature.

If she wishes to come forward may I be the first the congratulate her on dumping the twunt and buy her a Wine.

ScooseIsOnTheLoose · 25/11/2012 12:08

If you are looking for sympathy you have come to the wrong place!

ScrambledSmegs · 25/11/2012 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TurnipCake · 25/11/2012 12:11

What Izzy said.

Leave her alone, or do you think you're above restraining orders? Love is an action, so action it by staying the hell away.

I hope wherever she is, she is healing, happy and feels safe.

kinkyfuckery · 25/11/2012 12:14

You need to leave her alone.

ImperialBlether · 25/11/2012 12:15

Leave her alone to be happy. You've done your best to ruin her life and the woman's had the guts to get away from you. Continue to harass her and I hope she calls the police.

Mosman · 25/11/2012 12:15

What exactly did you do ?

That might help us to decide if we should help you.

People can and do change so maybe we can help you get it right next time and be a good father, it's never too late.

colditz · 25/11/2012 12:17

I certainly will not help you get your wife back. You can't go back to your wife, what part of "restraining order" did you not understand? I hope your wife manages to stay as far away from your 'expressing yourself' as humanly possible, given that it was you expressing yourself that has led to this horrible situation for her.

Leave her alone. Concentrate on becoming a non abusive person. Then concentrate on being the best father you are capable of being. Then continue to leave her alone for the rest of your life.

I cannot stress this enough. LEAVE HER ALONE.

cory · 25/11/2012 12:18

You need to understand that going through the courses and changing your ways doesn't give you an automatic right to this woman.

You don't seem to realise that your past actions mean that she is (quite rightly) frightened of you and would be unable to relax in the same house. There is simply no way you can express love or care for her by insisting on being allowed into her presence. The only way you can express your new found love is by respecting her wishes and obeying the restraining order.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 25/11/2012 12:19

Agree with smegs your tone is quite forceful on here, and chasing her on these boards is abusive and controlling, and she may now be too intimidated to post.

I hope she isn't too afraid to ask for help on her, under the cloak of anonymity.

I luckily, am not afraid to tell you to fuck right off, and when you get there, fuck off some more.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow · 25/11/2012 12:19

There is nothing NOTHING you can do or say to ever get your wife back.

The restraning order should not be nessacery - you should just leave her alone because she has asked you to.

Go away and learn how to treat women with respect.

WelshMoth · 25/11/2012 12:23

I seriously hope you've not followed her here, OP.

You've learnt nothing on your course if that's the case.

If you love her so much, you need to leave her be. She must be terrified of you and no amount of learning for you, will change that fear for her. Think about that.

TakingBackMonday · 25/11/2012 12:23

Leave the poor woman alone.

And stop asking us to help an abusive man regain his control.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/11/2012 12:24

It's great that you say you're sorry and understand what you did wrong. But that doesn't mean your wife is obliged to take you back, just because you want her to. If you have truly changed there will be benefit to you in future relationships, but it seems very likely this particular ship has sailed. The whole point about abuse is that your needs were put before hers. A truly contrite person would now allow her needs (even if it's not to be with you) to prevail.

waltermittymistletoe · 25/11/2012 12:27

My guess is she is a MNetter and you can't manipulate and abuse her in RL anymore because of the restraining order so you're using this to do it.

Abusers are utter bastards, by the way.

Leave her alone. She is beyond better off without you. I feel sorry for your children still being exposed to you every week.