Next 40 years of my life: very dull?

[Azrael]

Has anyone had the feeling that they've made the wrong decisions? I'm talking like big, big decisions... I wonder whether I've chosen the wrong man, and made the huge mistake of having a baby (DS is 8 months).

Sometimes it even occurs to me that if DP and DS were to disappear right now, I could easily build my life again. With someone else, and without kids. (okay, maybe I would miss my DS's beautiful smiles. He's a very smiley baby).

Can't say this to anyone. Anyone.

At the same time, the weird thing is that DP is a good man. I am not even certain that we're a bad fit. We're actually probably a good fit. A good enough fit. Don't think I could have had a much, much better relationship (we met in a party 4 years ago, he's Mixed-Chinese, we've had lots of fun together, festivals, drugs, motorbike, theatres, arty-pharty stuff,...).

But these days I notice that we bicker a lot. Today we went to visit a house in West London (trying to buy a 3-bed), and the whole day was spent nagging and bickering. On the way back we had a bigger argument and I spent the whole tube journey back 10 metres away from him. We're meant to be spending some quality time together as I'm going on holiday (with DS and with his family) for 2.5 weeks tomorrow!

I woke up at 3am to shushpat DS (actually, DP had to finish the job, he's much better at doing this than me), now it's been almost 3 hours and I haven't managed to go back to sleep.

Been reading threads on Mumsnet to kill time. Oh boy there are much more acute situations than mine (cheating, etc), so I know my situation's neither here nor there.

But hey, any sort of suggestions or comments will be welcome nonetheless. Ta!

I don't think what you are experencing in 'un-normal' (is there such a word?). New babies, especially when you aren't used to being around them, place an enormous strain on a relationship. The whole life you had before soes stop whilst you try and accommodate this new, little, very demanding being. It takes time to settle down again so that two become three.

Anyone who hasn't fleetingly though "take it all away, I want my old life back" is telling porkies!

It is a tough time with an under one, but it sounds like you have the foundations of a good relationship. You mentioned you are going away for a couple of weeks: maybe a bit of a break will do you good?

Do you ever get time together without your new gorgeous baby ? gorgeous as he is you need to remember the connection you had before baby came along.

Thanks Ophelia, makes me feel better to know that wanting your old life back is normal and common.

Foofooyear - you're right, we need some time just the two of us. We're actually planning a city weekend trip in March next year, should do us the world of good.

bickering seems quite normal when you have a baby, and missing your previous life.
As well as time as a couple, do you get time off on your own?

The first year is tough. It feels never ending and just a bit shit a lot of the time. You're tired, everything has changed, you get very little time to yourself. I think everyone feels somewhat like you do from time to time.

The only thing I worry about is that you say you would miss your DS's smiles but not actually miss him. Have you had trouble bonding with him? I know that even when I wanted to sell DS to the gypsies that there was no way I could live without him. Do you find yourself feeling quite negative towards him?

WRT you and your DP - perhaps sit down and calmly air some grievances, then make a commitment to be kinder to each other. It's easy to take out your tiredness and frustration on each other, but you have to try to avoid that and just be as kind as you can.

Remember too that this is absolutely NOT what the next 40 years of your life will be like! In 18 years your tiny little DS will be a grown adult - in 40 years he'll probably have children of his own!

I think it's perfectly normal to have those sort of thoughts every now and then. Different life phases, wistfully looking back, and all that. And as Cailin points out, it's only 18 years till DS is an adult. Those 18 years will go by so fast, believe me.

Thanks for those thoughts.

CailinDana: I possibly have suffered/am suffering from PND. Not sure. I went through phases when I thought I could harm DS, for example when he would wake up too often at night. It is getting much better as I've done a bit of sleep training which means that he sleeps better, and so do I. My bonding to him has improved greatly since then. As for DP, you're bang on the money.

AndMiffyWenttoSleep: no I don't get any time on my own! I'm going back to work soon though so I'll make sure to bake in that 'Saturday morning yoga session for mum only' time.

HeftyHeifer: you're right, he won't be a baby for ever...