Can our marriage be saved

[Mrswhiskerson]

My dh has bi polar which was only diagnosed after a nervous breakdown , he was also raised my a narscissitic dad who has caused so much damage to dh confidence (he has damaged the whole family tbh the effects are tragic)
After dh breakdown life became pretty much unbearable, I got sacked because I rang in sick twice to look after him amd he had to leave due to illness,
For almost two years he was a different person to the one I married and I actually became frightened of him(he never hit me ) it was the way he could explode over any little thing at any minute and I was actually preparing to leave we had a few weeks apart he got the right medication saw a psychiatrist and things calmed down a lot , however he does forget his medication now amd again and goes hyper manic irritable and reckless ,(bipolar)

The problem is now we have come through the other side a lot of damage has been done, we love each other more than anything but I can't trust he is not going to go off on one and he is really hurt (and very guilty) that I feel like that
He said it pisses him off and hurts him because he is not a monster but he forgets what he was like and that I had to listen to his weird paranoid negative rants about everything all day everyday not to mention the explosive temper and the fact i had to battle not to lose our house and fight of bailiffs (and his dad causing trouble and telling their whole family lies about us it was a lot ofpressure)
while I realise he had lost total control due to the breakdown etc amd he did not do it on purpose I did not know that at the time and things got so bad i was one step away from a breakdown myself , I flew at him one day when he said one too many horrible things to me and felt like i hated him , that is when we had time apart he is back to the person I met but he is also different to me now, I have seen madness in his eyes and now if he is just having the average bad day like anyone can I react badly to it because I am scared things will kick off again and when he has bad days his paranoia comes back and the negative rants which I can't bear anymore ,

Are we doomed? We love each other so much and he was really ill it was hell for him too , we both want to get through it and we want to grow old together but we need to move on (and find a way to deal with narcissist dad who seems to take pleasure in his sons distress) I just can't see how it can happen but it kills both of us to think of splitting
I don't think it helps that we are together all day every day and have no baby sitters or money to have time together outside the house . We really don't know what to do next .

Perhaps you could do some counselling? You've been through a lot and it might help to talk it out. Maybe relationship counselling as well, but I think something just for you?

Could you look at getting a bit of (part-time?) work if only to get you out of the house and such a claustrophobic situation?

Dh is not up to looking after ds (its not a laziness thing just while he is getting better) on a regular basis and if I go out he will visit his parents which make things worse as they are determined to believe he is putting it all on because they don't want to accept the damage they have done and they try to control him constantly , this means he comes back really upset thinking he is worthless as a dad and husband and sets us back no ne else lives close enough and we can not afford child are, I work for myself from home now but sometimes I feel like I'm going stir crazy (so does dh) it feels like a viscous circle

I have mentioned marriage counselling but he thinks because we love each other so much we don't need it, I am actually on the list for cbt due for extreme anxiety (mostly due to traumatic childhood but recent events kicked it all off again, it used to manageable) I'm hoping it will help I am certainly willing to try anything I can

Perhaps he needs to accept the fact his parents set him back and take ownership & responsibility by not visiting them when you go out. It seems odd to me that you feel you have to stay home otherwise he'll go to them. It's like he's punishing you through self-harm for daring to have time out of the home.

I know I have felt that way too but when I think about it his parents have drilled it into him that he cannot cope without them and it's so far entrenched he actually believes he is not a good dad when in fact he is an amazing dad, they have damaged his confidence and emotionally neglected and verbally abused him his whole childhood (his dad and bro and sis did anyway, his mum was having a nervous breakdown) I am torn between wanting him to stay away as much as possible but also do not want to be the person who gets in the way of family

A little example is his dad told him when he was younger that if his mum dies through cancer it will be dh fault because of stress he has caused , the stress causes her to smoke (he said it years ago but dh tortures himself to this day because his mum still smokes )

Sometimes it seems like dh has to miserable like he can't allow himself to just be happy