Can we chat about our views on CASUAL SEX here?

[whatacolddaytoday]

Background

I was brought up in a family with outwardly conservative/religious values. My husband was the first I had sex with and I thought this was the right thing to do. After we separated, I went out to "meet people" more than date. One night I got blind drunk and a young man I found attractive but thought was "too good for me" took me to his home after some making out, and we had lots of sex.

I thought of all the things I "thought" I knew about sex, and assumed I'd been "got". Good girls didn't, right, and men liked good girls?

He pursued me ardently, moved me into his house when my lease finished, took me on holiday after 2 months and confirmed that he wanted to marry me. We lived together for 2 years, then 2 months before we were due to "seal the deal", I wasn't happy in the relationship, so I left him. Since then I've probably slept with 300ish men?

And now

I have no STDs - I have occasionally taken a risk, but I get my arse up the clinic, get it tested, no problem. In exceptionally good health overall.

I won't pretend I've been all of my life. There have been long periods of extreme depression/longing for someone/loneliness/self doubt. But I can say I'm content with who I am, wouldn't change my past, and look forward to the future (I'm single, have an overdraft and rent). I have Buddhist/hippy tendencies, which I think has really made me peaceful For me having self esteem means more "being authentic and true to myself" rather than anything else.

I hate the "black and white" assumptions

... He's a bastard, or he's a "nice guy".

... A romantic/sex situation is "good" or "bad", not anything in between, or an opportunity for growth. It's good if you end up with a big white wedding, bad if you end up sitting on a Saturday, alone, posting on Mumsnet

... I'm either "the kind of woman you marry" or "the kind of woman you leave".

Fuck the fuck off that is all SO wrong, I don't live in the Daily Mail or in a Bridget Jones Diary.

It's designed to scare and guilt women - "if you do this, then you'll get the man and be HAPPY EVER AFTER but you MUST do this or you DESERVE to be lonely and unhappy".

It also ignores how WE feel about things, which is the main thing? I've been sat there in what looks on the outside to be "perfect relationship" - adoring man, pretty girl, expensive restaurant, and think THIS FEELS SHITE.

I hate the assumption that I MUST want commitment/marriage as I have a vagina

I've got rid of one husband and one fiance (not under the patio, I left them ). Both were Oxbridge graduates, six figures by the time they were thirty, really liked me, kind of guys, IF that counts for anything.

I like being in love and I wouldn't say no to marriage/a serious relationship again but it would have to be "right" not just "marriage for the sake of it". I don't need general "commitment", thanks, I want to know it is that's committing to me, first.

I think sleeping around has made me a bit more picky? Not in terms of "taller and richer" but in terms of "it has to FEEL right".

What men think

I've left the bed of lovers who seem confused that I'm not paranoid about what THEY think about me? It's like "you do know I really like you, and want us to go out properly, and this isn't JUST sex". ASSUMING there is this hierarchy in which I'm going to feel "devalued" if he doesn't want to be in an "official relationship" with me.

THIS ANNOYS ME

A disclaimer

I'm cautious of being too callous about my own emotions and that of men. Being hard and unemotional is not the goal, here.

I had a stage where I was bed-hopping in a savage, "exploratory" way, to sort of check I "could" but I'm trying to be more "considerate" now.

I speak RP, dress in quite a feminine, classic way, so I think there often is this assumption that "a girl like me" wants stability and not rough sex with virtual strangers, so I get guys courting me assuming the sex is a "promise" that things will progress?

But I've been dismissive when a fellah got attached and sneered about them in the same tones that I felt women had been oppressed by?

It's easy to use language in this way "fuck buddy"/"used him"/"only good for one thing" etc. Or let them know they were just one of "many"

Or as a kind of ego boost - "ooh look at me, I'm dismissing the kind of man I'd have really wanted to go out with when I was younger"

Now these were perfectly nice, well meaning guys, looking for acceptance and consideration. They treated me pleasantly, as people. They didn't need to pay for the (alleged) sins of other men, or be used as emotional punch bags for my own issues and anger.

It's possible to meet your needs/desires whilst not being a TWAT, so that's my mindset now.

Another disclaimer

I'm happy to have a lover but can't feel sexy if there isn't some element of consideration in the fellah?

I internet date and love it, but I wouldn't, say, meet up with someone who wanted sex chat beforehand?

I don't need "I am your BOYFRIEND and I'm not going to leave you!" before sex. But I find part of the foreplay is the courtship and the seduction and the "will we won't we" psychological dance.

I find masculine protectiveness sexy. My summer lover took the lead in bed, took me out, made sure I was fed and looked after in the time we spent together, considerate of my schedule, reliable with contact, paid for flights when I came out to see him and hotels so we could have privacy. I felt turned on, relaxed, and empowered by that situation.

There was "love and caring", not "we want to marry each other and BE OFFICIAL" love and caring, but a feeling of tenderness and making each other comfortable. I'd be after this again. I don't find last minute "I want to come over to yours for a fuck" attractive.

ANY OTHER PERSPECTIVES?

It's also not quite what Buddha had in mind when he spoke of non attachment to things.

I don't believe in casual sex but DH does; He farts rolls over and starts snoring, you can't get any more casual than that.

In what time frame are these 300 plus men? Plus where do you live that there are all these available hot guys? I

I am not sure what your issue is really, unless you are trying to justify to yourself you prefer a casual sex encounter than being in a relationship. You don't have to justify to others, they don't care unless you have run out of single blokes and are hanging round their husbands!

You could do a PowerPoint, BeerTricks?

Or a pie-chart? V easy to convert from an Excel spreadsheet. And you could colour it in and everything.

Roffle at 3-d printing. Will it be a tryptich?

As we say where i come from go on yourself Beer!

It looks even nicer on the second page, in a box with two-tone blue shading.

Me, I'm so casual about sex I can't be bothered to have any.

Annie

My thoughts on this are quite straightforward:

I am all for the occasional thrilling, therapeutic one night stand, but there comes a point where you must surely be sacrificing quality in favour of quantity, and if you are, then you can bet your life he is too.

So if you are happy to be someone's bit of rough; any port in a storm; the object of jokes about beer goggles and paper bags over the head, and then go ahead. Knock yourself out. but I think what that poster up there ^ said about a form of self-harm is probably not too far from the truth.

I am reviewing my stance on having shagged a nice medium-sized amount of people. I think as 44 said, by contemporary standards I am probably complete lightweight! (but then in the 32 years since I lost my virginity I have spent 28 of them sleeping with only two men, so it didn't leave me much time to squeeze that many in around the gaps!

self validation?

Casual sex? I don't have a problem with as long as both parties know the score but I do judge people who have v v v long shag lists. It does make me think that they are looking for someone/something that doesn't exist.

All that leaps out of me from the OP is 'committmentphobe'.

What ever floats your boat, but you'll find it hard to get a steady stream of shags when you re 50+ and a bit raddled rounds the edges - hedonistic lifestyles tend to wear you a bit quicker - harsh I know, but we are in an aesthetics driven society.

All I visualise, in years to come is a lonely old cat woman.

I have no problem with anyone having as much casual sex as they like when single as long as no one gets hurt. But one thing that I think would concern me is that when I did meet someone I was serious about, I would kind of regret it. If I had slept with 300 men pre-DH I would wish I hadn't. I don't know if that makes sense, or why I feel that way really, but I would.

I have been happily and monogomously married for nearly a quarter century.
That is my perspective.
Happy and married.

How can we help you OP ? Are you feeling OK?
::head tilt::

Is this going to be a book/article?

I don't care, btw, I'm just asking cos it reads like that.

My views on casual sex - do what you like. Each to their own. The sex life choices of others (providing legal and consensual) are not something I give a shiny shit about.

For me - been there, done that and looking back, I wish I hadn't. All tied up with low self esteem and a desperate need to be wanted.

I know I don't have the perfect relationship but I'm happy enough. I don't want to be old alone and I don't want to be looking back on my life and all I have is lots of shags with people I don't know the first thing about. I want to grow old with someone. Sit on the sofa and have a lifetime of shared memories.

I don't want to be sitting by myself at 80, eating my meal for one and remembering that week just after my 40th birthday when I shagged 4 blokes in one week and be sitting there trying to remember their names.

If sex was all it was about, we'd all just be randomly rutting away. For me, it's about companionship and sharing a life with someone. Sex is a few minutes out of your day, some spasms and a reasonable amount of mess.

300....

300!!

Only 300!!

Pah. Beginner. :) Come back and tell me when you've reached 500 and we'll talk on more equal terms. (Mind you, I've been practising monogamy for a good long while now, but in my youth, I'd have shown you a trick or two. :)

Actually darling, I'm proud that you are doing so well. xxx

(can still count on fingers and toes and not run out.)

Fine as long as you are genuinely happy and fulfilled by it.

But I think it's worth taking the time to be really honest with yourself. Just what exactly is it that you get from having lots of sex with different strangers? How exactly does that enrich your life? Because I can't believe it's always good sex - the law of averages states that would be impossible.

I have had periods in my life where I have been very promiscuous. Do I feel terrible about it? No. It was what it was.

But do I now think it was a good idea in terms of my physical and emotional health? No again. It's not how I would choose to behave now as these days I prefer to act in my own best interests.

I'm single and have been for a while. I miss sex terribly. But I've decided I don't really want to have mediocre sex with blokes I'm not that into. I want to have great sex with a man I really really like, and who really really likes me.

I've tried to have casual sex a few times in my life and it has been great fun, the problem for me is that it doesn't stop there. I've been married for 28 years to the last person I tried it with (holiday fling with DH who was at the time living at the other end of the country)

I have had a lot of casual sex. Misspent youth and er middle age ... .

With the benefit of hindsight, I am actually pretty much against it generally.

The "pill" has had its advantages for women in some ways, but lets face it, it has also given men the ability to treat women as sex toys, with no personal or social responsibility whatsoever.

With a few exceptions, I think casual sex is pretty much rubbish for women overall. Unless of course you are getting paid for it. Thats what I would tell my daughter if I had one.

And even the term "casual sex". A misnomer? What is casual about sex?