My husband and I have been together for 20 years and we have children. On the whole the relationship has been good but we are now on rocky ground and I don't know what to do. I was 18 and a virgin when I met him and I can look back and see how naive I was. He was not long out of a relationship with a woman he had been engaged to.
My husband is the stay at home parent while I go out to work. This was his choice. Two years ago he left his job with little discussion with me and decided he would stay at home. At that time I was in a part time job I hated and which eventually lead to me having a breakdown. I was off work for three months. Thankfully I found a new job and was able to leave 3 months after returning to the job I hated. My husband is still at home though is now talking about looking for a job as our children are all at school.
Throughout our relationship porn has been an issue. He knows that I don't like him using it and that I find it disrespectful but he uses it regardless. He doesn't think I know. I asked him to leave after discovering one vile site he'd accessed and he went. After some discussion and his promise to not use porn he came home, this was YEARS ago. He did manage to stay away from it for a while but needless to say it didn't last long.
A few months ago I was devastated when I realised that he'd been accessing websites offering no stings attached sex. We live in the middle of nowhere so there is little chance that he actually met up with anyone but the fact he was even looking really hurt me.
More recently it has become obvious that he has been accessing porn again. I know many people don't think this is a big deal but it is to me. Especially as it affects our sex life. The other night I called a halt to sex as it was so awful. He was there in body but not in mind. We hadn't had sex in over a week but he was less than enthusiastic even though it was him who initiated it.
He's away this weekend and I'm using the time to think of what I want to do and what I want to say to him. It has got to the point now that I feel like I have had enough. I have told him and told him my feeling about his porn usage but it makes no difference.
On top of all this I can honestly say I have been faithful to him for the entirety of our relationship. I don't think I can say the same for him. When one of the DC was a baby he was going to the pub with his brother and then coming home raving about one of the barmaids and how wonderful she was. I called him on it and she was never mentioned again and he stopped going to that pub.
When another DC was 6 weeks old he went away with a hobby for 2 weeks. While he was there he started mentioning another woman's name. A lot. She was often with him when he phoned home and they shared sleeping accommodation on a couple of occasions. During the 2nd week a huge bunch of flowers arrived for me. He had never sent me flowers before or since. When he came home her name kept on being mentioned and they were texting each other a lot. Eventually I told him it had to stop or I would stop it. He told me he had. Then I intercepted an email from her to him saying that she was sorry to miss him at an event they were supposed to meet at and that she had some hobby related bits to give him. She missed him and couldn't wait to see him again. I replied (in an email that took 2 days to write) telling her to keep contact to their hobby and that he missed said event as he was looking after me and our children.
He never mentions her now but I know when she's been there as he calls everyone else by name and refers to her as 'someone' or one of the females. I have no proof anything happened between them but it looks very likely it did.
He had a huge crush on a woman he worked with too. He spent our anniversary dinner talking about her! He even tried to take me for a drink where he knew she would be that night. Nothing happened there that I could tell but the mentionitis was exhausting.
Our relationship is good in other areas but I can't police his internet usage and I shouldn't have to either. I know I need to talk to him but I don't know where to begin. I feel like I work to support our family and his porn habit! Not to mention the possible infidelities. Believe it or not there is more but this is long enough as it is.