Abusive men, do they plan it all?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I have a dear friend who is going through the most awful time with her abusive ex. I can't give any details because it's not my story to tell, and some matters are sub judice but the local Women's Aid worker says this is the worst abuse case she has seen in eight years, and he has never even lifted a finger to her; the abuse is all emotional and financial.

He seems to act on impulse, but the way things are panning out it looks more and more as if he has planned it all in advance. If he does action A, she will respond in manner B, which will lead to action C and so on, and she's entirely trapped, nowhere to go but to dance to his tune.

But I'm having trouble believing anyone could be as sick and evil as this man, if he really has conciously sat down and thought, "Right, if I do this, these consequences will occur (to other people) and those dreadful outcomes will please me." I have never been in an abusive relationship, so maybe that's why I can't get my head round it?

So, do they plan it, or is he just so evil it comes naturally to him?

Have to nip out for a wee while, back soon.

Some men do pray on woman they see weak. I belive a voilent man has always had anger in him. I dont think it just appears even something life changing happens like someone close dieing or having a massive accident just cant make people voilent or angry there hss always been something there. I hope your friend will be ok. She is so brave for calling womans aid. She is lucky to have you aswell.

I think it's a combination of being motivated by selfishness, being good at manipulation, a malicious streak and learning 'on the job', as it were.

I think selfishness is a natural and powerful trait. Someone who is entirely self-centred will not hesitate to do whatever it takes to make sure things go their way. They work how to manipulate people from an early age, they're very persuasive and don't take no for an answer.

I'm pretty sure there's a category of constructively/functionally selfish people out there that are very driven & successful in their field, great leaders, entrepreneurs and so on. Often inspiring loyalty or admiration but not always very likeable. I'm thinking of the Gordon Browns & Simon Cowells of this world. They most certainly have a game plan.

In the case of your friend's partner, add a malicious streak, some insecurity and a callous disregard for other people's feelings and what you end up with is a bully hell-bent on control. Same drive, same game-plan, but manipulating the inherent vulnerability of any partner - their love - to gain the whip hand. Which is what I mean about 'learning on the job'. Anyone in a long-term relationship knows which buttons to push to get a particular reaction.

I think they do what they do because it gets the result they want without a conscience getting in the way. Your friend's husband knows the effects he's producing and he will be thriving on having the power over her and also pulling the wool over everyone else's eyes. It's sport to people like this :(

Even if he hasn't planned it, it sounds like he knows how your friend will react and plays on this. It is a game to him and your friend's best option is to stop playing it. The more she can withdraw, limit contact, get other people to receive any texts, e-mails etc, ignore, repeat 'this is a game, I am not playing' the better.

Thanks for your replies. It is very definitely about control with this man, and he certainly does know how best to hurt her the most. Sadly that's via the dc, and she really has no option but to dance along at the moment.

He's not thinking for a moment of the longterm effects on other people; or is he, and that's the outcome he wants? I just can't see how anyone can be so callous and cruel.

I just can't see how anyone can be so callous and cruel.
About 4% of the population have no conscience, they are simply wired differently.
I know what you mean though, it took me such a long time to get my head round this and I made so many excuses for my abusive ex in the meantime. I' just couldn't accept that the nasty side was who he really was :(

No he isn't thinking about long term effects on other people - this is your mistake (and probably your friend's) in dealing with him.

He isn't a normal empathic person like you and your friend, to him it is a game about control. He is just playing while you and she are deeply upset, trying to make everything right, concerned about other people.

If you can acknowledge that he actually doesn't give a shit about any of you and is just picking out the actions that hurt the most because he enjoys it, you still have a hard road to travel but have taken the first steps in preventing him from hurting you more. The less reaction you give, the less exciting the game is to him.

Making excuses, yes, we've been doing that, though we called it "trying to understand things from his point of view". If he genuinely believed the crap he was spouting was true, then he did what any good father should have done, but how could he believe it when he made it all up? What kind of twisted thought processes went on there?

Sorry, I know the questions are unanswerable, but they're sort of buzzing through my head and I can't understand.

"So, do they plan it, or is he just so evil it comes naturally to him?"

A woman I worked with started going out with a man. After just two or three dates he was already telling her how she should have her hair cut & what clothes to wear. Whilst the rest of us in the office were hearing alarm bells she was thrilled at all this attention, wanted to please him and was happy to do what he wanted. Starts as small as that.

"He's not thinking for a moment of the longterm effects on other people; or is he, and that's the outcome he wants?"

The outcome he wants is control. Everything else is incidental to that. If, by keeping your friend permanently unhappy, he achieves control then that's a good outcome. Maybe if you distilled it down to 'bullying' you'd be able to get your head around it. Bullies take what they want, enjoy the helplessness of their victims and don't really care what chaos they leave behind.

How much time have you and your friend spent 'trying to see it from his point of view' or trying to understand why he would behave that way?

All of this time was time he had control of you - which was what he wanted.

How much time do you think he has spent trying to see it from your point of view? It'll be about 2 minutes. His thought processes are 'I am fantastic and they are inadequate bitches. I must have my way at all costs because only my ideas are right'. Actually that took less than two minutes.

You must stop thinking about his motives, reactions, feelings as doing this only gives him more control.

And remember although he started this game, he actually can't win it - because your friend will move on and have a life without him, the kids will grow up and realize he is a shit and not want to spend time with him, even if he takes all the money at least she won't be living with him (which is a prize in itself). In 20 years time he will be a bitter old shit while she will have the love of her friends and children.

The mistake anyone makes when dealing with an individual such as this, is to try and understand

Unless you can understand the howling, whirling black hole of what passes for a moral conscience in these people, you will always be at a disadvantage

you are not dealing with normal, human interactions

accept that, it gets easier

Thanks again, you're all right of course, he can never be understood, but it doesn't stop me wanting to, and of course the more headspace I give him the more power he has... Gah! I'm not even involved with the bastard and he's doing my head in!

He will indeed lose in the end and that's what we're all holding on to, but by God the revenge fantasies we cook up!

I can imagine

Interesting question. I think a bit of both.

I think on the one hand it is about planning and control. Except for the most certifiably insane, I doubt there is a "master plan" but I believe they do have 'something' in mind. From the beginning they will look for chinks, weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and are manipulative about trying to use these to get control. Of course people do not always fall in with their romantic plans. This is always your trump card.

OTOH, they are often out of control people at times so they are always doing this exhausting dance. They are also opportunists.

I don't think it's long term planned.
Really about gaining control.

Unfortulately for ex, his bid for control turned to violence and he completely failed to see the reach of his actions in the long term. I.e. Losing his wife, his home, and not being physically with his child for over a year. :(