Ive just written the post in quotation marks below on someones thread. I want to share my story because if it helps even one person then its worth it. A year ago I was in a horribly abusive relationship. I didnt want to leave. I couldnt begin to imagine how I would cope; how I could walk out of my home, my life, my relationship when I believed that my P had a chance of changing. He was 17 when we met and was a mess. He had been abused by his father, had no love of affection from his mother for most of his childhood. He was withdrawn, deeply depressed and with my support he had started to come out of his shell. I just wanted to shelter him from everything and help him heal, believed that if I threw enough love at him he would go from strength to strength.
When we were in those early stages I was strong and I could take his depression. I once said to him "No matter what you throw at me or how much you lash at me I will not walk away from you, I will never give up on you". The thing is that he took me at my word.
I fell pregnant a week before my 20th birthday when we had just moved in together. Over the course of that year I watched this hurting boy turn into a controlling man. With his next gf and all the ones that follow he will follow the pattern of "nice" to attract and "nasty" once he's in control. With me, as his first gf, I watched him go from the abused to the abuser which is why I found it so hard to believe there was nothing I could do to "fix" him. He became cruel, hurtful and dismissive of my feelings. He ground me down, made me question my own judgement, made me believe I was worth nothing.
Then the sexual abuse started. He had pet names for it. He never lost his temper, he never flew into a rage. He was calm, in control and he would smile at me as I stood there sobbing, begging him to stop. He would do it all the time. I would be scared to bend down to pick something up from the floor or even to walk past him because I never knew when he would decide to "oodle" me; ramming his fingers up my back passage until he drew blood. It escalated. He would corner me and make me chose between orifice for his "joke". My tiny DD would be sat on the floor screaming, picking up on my pain and he would carry on. After a few months she didnt scream anymore. She didnt cry full stop. She didnt respond at all to her mothers pain or crying.
I eventually left just before Christmas last year. I went into a refuge, walked out leavung all my belongings, my hamster, my home and my life. I wobbled and I found it incredibly hard. On 6th February I went back to promises that he would get help, would do the counselling, would change.
In May/June I realised it wasnt ok. That the EA had started again almost straight away and because Id been so preoccupied with watching for signs of sexual abuse I hadnt noticed. I started to make plans to leave. I was looking for a flat to rent, saving money, sorting through toys and getting rid of bits I wouldnt be able to take with me. In June he found my plans to leave. He was shaking with anger. He fixated on my DD, was stood over her while she was sleeping and I knew I had to get her away. I picked up my handbag and DD and said i was going to tescos. I didnt go back.
Again I was away for a month but I was still in contact with him. Its so very hard to cut all contact. They phone all the time, bombard you with messages threatening to commit suicide one minute and to track you down and take your child the next. Even though I didnt want to I picked up the phone. Its the control; I had been trained to jump when he said jump, to pick up the phone when he called, to behave in a certain way and I wasnt strong enough to overcome that yet.
This is when he really turned. I went round there one day, to my old flat where he was living and he instigated sex. I pushed him away, said I didnt want to. He put his hands around my throat. Not hard enough to bruise but I knew that if I struggled, moved, spoke he would do it harder. So I did nothing. I lay there and he raped me, slowly and lovingly with a smile on his face. 3 weeks later I tested positive; I was pregnant. And his words "Now you have to come to xxxcity with me, you cant stay here now". He knew when my cycle was. His rape fell on the very day I ovulated. That I am sure was no coincidence.
I then did something which I will forever regret for the risks I took, which I will advise against for anyone reading this. I tried to manipulate the puppet master. I knew I would crack if I kept trying to stay away. I knew I needed to really burn myself to enable me to cut ties completely. I knew I needed to self harm I suppose, make myself hurt and break and know without a doubt that I had to leave. So I went back, knowingly, aware of what he would do. He was moving to a city 200miles away at the end of that month so I knew I had to survive that month and I could take on the flat, that he would be gone and I could rebuild my life. The month I had to endure however was hell.
He knew he had to completely break me to ensure I moved with him at the end of that month. He escalated on a massive scale. I was plunged straight into full on EA, no slowly heating the water for froggy, it was instantly scalding. It was hell. I was counting down in minutes until he would leave, I think a few more days would have seen me break. I had gathered strength though. I had read and absorbed everything I could about abuse. I had learnt and grown stronger. I faced him before he left (something which makes me go cold just thinking about the risk I took thinking back). I told him that I didnt love him, that I could never love him, that I was staying here and that I would never allow him to be a part of my babys life. He left. August 24th 11am.
And now?
"I feel as though I am finally free. I wake up every morning in my bed with my gorgeous daughter snuggled up next to me and feel like Im the luckiest person alive. Ive been through hell and back the past year. I was in a horribly abusive relationship, ummed and aahed for such a long time about leaving. I poured my entire being into trying to change him, trying to reason with him, fearing the reality of being alone. I was petrified and clung on and on and on until it got so bad I didnt have a choice anymore.
After those first wobbly weeks the mists started to lift. Ive transformed my flat into my space; it was the very first thing I did. I moved all the furniture round, put cushions and throws everywhere, spread out DD toys, made it ours. Every day we do exactly what we feel like. Sometimes we go to the park in our pjs just before bedtime and look at the trees in the dark. Sometimes we spend all day making dens and chasing each other around the flat. Some days we go for huge walks through the countryside. We laugh all the time. I look at her and we both giggle. I can leave the washing up. I can leave the laundry. I can fall asleep with DD curled up next to me in my bed. Ive saved loads of money, Ive made plans.
Im doing a degree in a couple of years. Im writing again for the first time in years. Im saving so we can move to a little house with a garden and Im going to learn to drive. Im going to take DD to all sorts of places next Summer because I can.
The best bit has been watching his control slip away. I look in the mirror and I can see that Im beautiful, that Im worth something, that Im free. I walk down the road and feel like Ive got my whole life ahead of me, like it can only get better from here. Yes its hard, and yes I struggle sometimes. The pain and the crying is part of healing though; its a good hurt because I know for every tear I cry I get stronger.
You deserve to give yourself the chance to live again. To love yourself again and to be happy. And MY GOD do your DC deserve it. My DD has blossomed in the months since we left. You dont realise just how much it affects them until you leave. You realise that what you thought was her being "quiet" or a bit "shy" or a bit "stroppy" etc was actually the abuse she was picking up on and not her at all. Shes become this friendly sunny little girl who laughs all the time, who cuddles other children and is just a joy. I cant believe the difference.
I cant tell you to do it and I wont. I can tell you that one day you will wake up and think "Im doing it" and then you wont be able to pack your bags fast enough. You will know when you are ready."