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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp has old friends getting intouch

11 replies

redbull · 05/04/2006 21:32

my dp found out today an old school friend(all around 29) commited suicide last week funeral was yesterday, my mom works with one of dp old school friends and gave dp his number to phone dp just phoned him and gave him our number when dp got of the phone he said his friend was going to pass our number round to some of the old lads!!!!!!!!!

IM really upset and angry at thisSadAngry at this as it has to be said i cant stand his old friends. we have a 5 year old boy with ASD and needs a lot of care,understanding and attention and these are not the kind of people i want in our lives, they dont know what the word even means let alonepreach it. they are unreliable,trouble take soft drugs the complete opposite of the man my dp has turned into.

i just tried explaining this to my dp and he got angry at me saying i never liked his friends anyway, wich is true but i have more of a reason now as i dont want these people in our lives they think its ok still to get totally drunk,stoned even cheat on there girlfriends i just cant be dealing with them again.Sad

OP posts:
Dior · 05/04/2006 21:34

Are you sure they haven't changed?

Norah · 05/04/2006 21:36

Hi redbull - you won't like this - but I think you should cut dh some slack !

One of my school friends committed suicide at about the same age and we all felt this weird need to be together - don't know what it was all about really - but we got together a few times over about a month - drank and talked a lot - reminisced and talked about our deceased friend - then we all went back to our own worlds. Just needed to be together - can't explain it - none of us can.

But it helped us all immensely.

coppertop · 05/04/2006 21:37

It's probably a reaction to the death of the friend. IME when someone dies the people around them start resolving to stay in touch more. I imagine this would be a stronger feeling where suicide is concerned.

IME the stay-in-touch resolution eventually wears off and things go back to the way they were. If your dh has lost touch with these people once already, the chances are it will happen again.

SnowBoo · 05/04/2006 21:39

My dh has some friends like this. But he is an adult and he has to decide for himself. I have made my feelings very very clear on the subject.

On the other hand a few of the others were like this but have turned into well adjusted men who adore their wives and kiddies.

Maybe see what they have turned into before you get yourself stressed with it. Life is full of surprises!

Original poster
redbull · 05/04/2006 21:43

leapords dont change there spots!!
i know for a fact the one that works with my mom has just moved in to a new house with his girlfriend and most weekends cheats on his girlfriend even had an office affair as he works at the same company as his so called girlfriend!

OP posts:
SnowBoo · 05/04/2006 22:02

To be fair, some men can change. Have seen it myself. And i really do like to think the worst of people. Its my hobby....

Original poster
redbull · 06/04/2006 09:49

i know you all are right but i still cant get these feelings to go away i can feel them eating away at me! I sapose another part of it is that dp doesnt see his mom lost touch with dad years a go and i just dont want him being let down by them all.
before ds we sometimes went out with them at the begining of our relationship i knew how important his friends were so i made an extra special effort for them to like me at the time i was only 17 and they were 21/22 and they completely ignored me when i tried talking to them they just used to blank me. i sappose in another way i have these other feelings as again at the start of our relationship his friends came first then me and im just worried that
1)they will ignore our ASD ds
2)they will ignore me
3)they will come between our family.

OP posts:
Norah · 06/04/2006 09:53

They don't have to be in your or your son's lives though really - why don't you just tell your dh how you feel - but let him see his friends away from you. They have probably drifted apart anyway - but at times like these your dp will probably get a lot of comfort with being with them.

Chances are in a month's time he will have no wish to see them again anyway,

I don't really see why you are so worried - you surely trust your dh not to let them come between you ?

Original poster
redbull · 06/04/2006 10:07

Right here it goes my dp has mental health problems and when things get on top of him he disapears usually to the pub will turn mobile off, no decent pubs round by us so goes into town doesnt come back till 2/3 in the morning i know he wont and doesnt cheat but due to his condition he is very easily led astray.
yes he is on medication for his problem but its still there like depression you still have your good and bad days. so thats why he wont see them by him self and we also have a mutual agreement that seeing as he has his problems i suffer from depression then we have our ASD ds we only go out as a couple as we dont get to spend much time by our selfs we feel its only fair to do it that way.

OP posts:
FioFio · 06/04/2006 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Original poster
redbull · 06/04/2006 10:45

i dont want it to look as if im just trying to come up with excusses but as a family unit to the 3 of us a S!!T load has happened to us ,more than what can happen to a person through out an entir life. just when things are settling down this happens and i just feel very threatened by it as i can all ready feel the water is no longer calm.

OP posts:
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