Pros and cons of having it out with my mother?

[TeacupTempest]

I have some issues (who doesn't?) and many of them stem back to my childhood and my mother.

Her behaviour then and now can be quite...damaging.

Something happened earlier which resulted in a phone call where various things came up. Sorry this is all a but vague just feel its a bit long and complicated to go into.

Anyway she now wants us to sit and go over some stuff.

It will be messy!

Is the past best left where it is or will confronting things bring us to a better place?

Any advice?

I'd just say that if she says she wants to go over stuff, that could be a step in the right direction, depending on how much of what you say she takes on board. Certainly my mother has rewritten history in her own head, ensuring that there was never any point in going over the past (although I pretty much made my point on a few occasions), and has never offered to go over things, so at least your mother has gone that far.

But maybe establish some boundaries first, like you each get a say, no shouting, railroading etc. It might be worth a try....

Hard to say. The fact that she has asked to talk about it is a positive sign, though IME, as Hell said, parents have a tendency to deny any wrongdoing, partly I suppose because it's extremely hard to admit that you might have failed your children in some way.

It depends really on what you're hoping to get out of it. Do you think just airing your views would be enough? Or do you think you would need her to acknowledge that she's done wrong? If it's the former, then it might be worth doing, but if it's the latter you may end up more hurt than when you started.

Whether it will improve or destroy your relationship is another big question. I would not accept my mother's offer to talk things through simply because I would be so disgusted with her by the end of it that I wouldn't be able to be around her any more. I'm happy enough with the limited contact we have currently and I don't want that to change for the time being.

If you find her damaging, and neither of you have had much practice at discussing things calmly when you disagree, it could be very messy.

Some thoughts:

• rehashing the past seldom gets you anywhere, especially if you are talking to ... um, a difficult person who is always right. I don't know if that's your problem.

But I imagine it's rare for people to confront a painful past, and simply come up refreshed and smiling with new understanding, IYSWIM. Not without a trained mediator or counsellor at least.

• also, for your sake, remember you cannot reason with an unreasonable person (if that's the problem).

• if I'm doing your mother a disservice, and you can discuss things reasonably, perhaps consider some kind of 'talking stick' arrangement where you each have a period of time to talk, and the other must remain silent and listen.

• if that is too awkward to do or suggest, try your hardest to say nothing while she talks. But do listen. Let her go on until she stops. Try and acknowledge the feeling behind what she says, and then say your piece. Sometimes people become calmer just through being allowed to talk, without interruption or correction or what have you.

But I don't know you, your mother or the situation between you. If she's a complete pain and won't listen to a word you say, don't be her verbal punchbag.

You've both summed up me worries perfectly. I suspect I do want some acknowledgment but she has rewritten the past. On the phone she was just saying how hard everything was for her. She has never admitted to any fault.its all just justified by how hard everything is for her.

God I don't know. I have waited so long for her to listen but I just can't see it working well.

My worries not "me worries!"

The fact that you say "I have waited so long for her to listen" would suggest to me that this would be a bad idea. I think you would go into the conversation hoping for her to at least somewhat acknowledge your point of view, and given what you say I think that's unlikely.

What are the issues between you?

There is no way I would agree to such a meeting as given your mother's behaviours, she would just use this as an opportunity to blame you some more. If she re-writes history in her favour too (like practically all toxic parents do) she is really not taking any responsibility for her actions let alone apologising for same.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and post too on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread (that also has some good resources at the beginning of that thread).

The issues are a bit muddy but there have been episodes of verbal and physical attacks when I was a child. Very critical. Won't acknowledge anything she finds hard to deal with. She worries about keeping up appearances to others often at my expense.

Too much to go into ( on iPad typing one fingered as I feed DD! )

Attila - thanks for book suggestion.

I love my mum and want a relationship with her but at the same time want some aknowledgment I guess.

Is that possible?

I read a book that was recommended on here called when you and your mother can't be friends - found it really helpful.
It's hard not to have the hope that you could have an honest chat and have a better relationship with your mum x

It's hard to know if it's possible Teacup. It sounds like there would need to be a big turnaround in your mother's thinking. Do you feel, honestly, that that's going to happen?

Thing is if I decide not to have it out how do I avoid that now without more stress. N the phone I brought up some things I think even she would find hard to just ignore.

Having said that I rekon the discussion could be over very quickly if I just listen, nod and um and ah at the appropriate places.

My head hurts.

We get on well when I manage to stay controlled and a little detached.

She does love me, but she is difficult.

It's a tough one. I would say that if you do decide to go ahead with it, give yourself a really firm talking to beforehand. Tell yourself you're going along out of interest to see what she has to say, but that you have no expectations. In your shoes I would be curious. You need to prepare yourself though - it could be a barrage of criticism or excuses for her abuse, which frankly are inexcusable.

Do you think you could go along with the talk and just listen, perhaps pipe up if the opportunity arises? Or would it be too fraught?

Alternatively you could just fob her off endlessly until she gives up on the idea.

What do you think prompted her to ask for the talk?

I have a health issue that she has struggled with and it caused an argument today as I felt she was being very dssmissve. She rang to tell me that she found it hard as she had had a long day. It snowballed from there really. She hasn't actually said she wants to talk about my childhood but she wants to talk about my health, which is intrinsically linked.

What was the tone of her offer to talk? Was it in the spirit of putting things right or of putting you straight? What's your gut feeling?

I think her heart is essentially in the right place BUT she can't accept fault. She wants to understand my health issues more. I think that's genuine but I think she may be hoping they have nothing to do with her.

Then I suppose it comes down to how you feel. Have an honest look at what you want to get from a talk like this and what you might actually get then try to weigh up whether it's worth it. It could be that you confronting her over the health issue has pushed her one step closer to actually wanting to understand. Of course it's hard to know that until you take the plunge. Remember though that if you do have the talk and things start to go pear shaped you are perfectly entitled to say "I think we should leave it there" and refuse to engage any further. The main thing, if you do decide to talk to her, is that you're going in in the right frame of mind, where you feel in control and where she can't hurt you (too much).

I feel that she's going to find a way to blame you for it all, make herself the martyr and you the ungrateful damaged child.

I'd not meet with her.

For the love of God, NEVER go into something as emotive as this with an intention to smile and nod.

It think it really depends on where you are, though the question sounds like you are wanting to challenge her.

I have done confrontation and it can be helpful to get clarity and it can be cathartic too. But I honestly felt I had no choice. But be prepared for it to go AWOL and for your mother to go on the offensive if you challenge her ...

Other times its better to ignore and distance yourself.

Once you have done A though my experience is that she was a bit more careful around me. We both are clearer where we stand.

Thanks so much for all the advice.

I shall sleep on it and have a good think about what I want from it all nd whether that's realistic.

I had a similar thing with my DM and when I started having anxiety attacks my Dr suggested I have a chat with my DM about all the issues I'd buried for so long that actually was contributing to this new health issue and it was hard and she found it very hard to take but did listen and has made an effort to rectify the situation slightly and has a good relationship with my DD to make up for my childhood I guess.

What I'm trying to say is if you think this may help you, definitely have the meeting or at least meet up with her and let her talk, and if the chance arises to air your thoughts do so, perhaps hold her hand and say how hard it must have been etc so she doesn't feel attacked but you are both grownups and she may just need to hear the truth. You are her child and she must look out for you.

Sorry for garbled post.

Thanks Elf that's reassuring.

One other thing to be prepared for is how you might feel if you do get past all the defences. IME it can be quite hard to see somebody face the hurt they have caused you, when no amount of regret on their part can fix it; one can find oneself wondering if making somebody else sad really helps, and even feeling a little guilty.

I'm not saying that's a reason not to go there because genuine acknowledgment can help get the relationship on a more honest footing but be prepared for the possibility of feeling sorry for the person who hurt you.

Good luck.

Hi teacup,

You asked me this question earlier:-

"I love my mum and want a relationship with her but at the same time want some aknowledgment I guess.

Is that possible?"

I doubt very much she will acknowledge at all how you felt as a child let alone apologise or take responsibility for their actions. She sounds too self absorbed to take any responsibility and will thus still blame you for all her problems in life.

Would read the beginning of the current Stately Homes thread and have a look at the online resources cited. There is I think a reference there to confronting toxic parents. Such people often go on the attack when confronted and I think such an encounter will be bruising to you.