Which of these would hurt your feelings most/less & why?

[Goodidea]

If you sent a birthday gift as an apology/gesture and...

A) It wasn't acknowledged by recipient & that was your last chance to say a friendly hi

Or

B) It was returned to you

Your thoughts most welcome.

the latter because in the first case it may not have arrived or thrilled, whereas in the latter it was outright unwelcome.

B) if it was returned

This is a tricky one, I am moody bugger, I would be mildly annoyed by both BUT I have to say B as it would mean I had been written off, on saying that, if they kept it and didn't say thank you or even acknowledged I would also be mildly annoyed, no sorry I have too bad an attitude, I would be pissed off by both.

I don't like rude people, I will go with B but in all honestly yes, both would annoy me....

B
It would mean that there was little hope of a reconciliation.
A could mean any number of things.

Why? Are you planning to exert the most devastating effect possible on someone?

I did something similar. My partner has left me pregnant and his mother has taken his viewpoint its acceptable. I returned her birthday present and told her I had nothing to say to her. Im expecting it hurt but Im hurting too

Both would piss me off but returning it would hurt me more becaue that is final, no acknowledgement means there is a chance it wasn't received.

Oh I was thinking of a 'friend' for some reason...yeah okay I have an issue with 'a friend' who would do one of these, possibly both...sorry to hear that stressed81!

Its not about the present, it's about why the recipient is upset. What was the sender apologising for? Obviously it is rude not to acknowledge a present or to return it, but maybe the original wrongdoing outweighs this and the recipient needs proper communication as an apology instead?

I would say if you want to make an apology to some one don't use their birthday and slinging something in the post as a way of doing it. This puts the onus on them doing the work in picking up the phone/seeing you face to face when if you are making the apology you should be the one doing this.

Parcels and letters go astray every day.

You could be left feeling like shit at being unacknowledged by someone when the present had never even got to them whether they were receptive or not.

If it is worth doing do it properly and call or go and see them.

B would hurt more.

But I don't think sending a present is a good way of apologising.

B would be making a very clear statement.

Actually it would depend on what i did that needed apologising for.

If I had been a complete twat, then I wouldn't be hurt as such, I would accept the returning of the gift as a sign the friendship is over. That's their right to do so. the hurt feelings would not be that they have hurt me but that I have hurt myself by being a twat and pushed a friend away.

Also if the person has no intention of reconciling i think its kinder to send it back. Keeping it would be sending a message that there may a chance.

Exactly what Xales has said.

I'm in the not easily offended camp and if a gift was returned to me I'd think 'their loss' and stick it in the album of events I can't influence.

Proud - Nope, not me as the sender or recipient.I'd like to think I'm a nice person.

Slothlorien - words were exchanged between 2 people & this is someones final reason/excuse way of trying to break down a barrier & get the lines of communication open.

Xales - The last call ended in a slanging match, was brutal for both parties. A few months have passed, hence the gift trying to be an ice-breaker/thinking of you conversation starter.

Thankyou everyone so far.

B, although I'd never send someone a present to try and rekindle a relationship, it seems too manipulative, like I'm trying to buy their friendship. I'd try talking to them and writing to them. if that gets me nowhere then I'd leave it. They may or may not change their mind over time. You can't make people like you.

B definately because there is deliberate effort in returning a parcel, so it means there has been some time and thought put in to making a hurtful gesture. Whereas with A the sender would have no idea how the recipient felt.

I'm intrigued as to why you have asked the question.

B.

interesting
on the one hand B is mean whereas A leaves room for it didn't arrive in post.

But given what you said about attempting reconciliation, I actually think that B is honest, it is clear, no I don't want a reconciliation, and it leaves everyone knowing where they stand. A leaves it unsure.

If I was the recipiant, I would be a bit if there wasn't an explanitory note with it.

I would say A means 'she's not ready to talk'
whereas
B means 'she'll NEVER be ready to talk to me again'

Oh yes maybenow, that says it exactly!

I just asked as a friend of mine did this & is now in limbo....I did warn her. She wanted to just say she was thinking of them. I'm trying to see positives to both scenarios so I'm prepared for the next time we have coffee!
I'm guessing the positive to say about A is that the recipient may be thinking of answering & has contact details anyway & that to B - well, turns out they've 'expired' which can be common & its time for her to move on without doubt.

She put a note in apparently, just explaining that she had been holding the gift for some time & that as it was intended for the recipient, she feels like it's the recipients decision whether to accept or reject it.

She didn't send it by reorded delivery or anything as she didnt want to pressure the recipient either way.

I don't like seeing her so 'stuck'. Thankyou for your answers.

I would prefer b) because I could properly grieve/wash my hands of the relationship and move on. I would really hate being left wondering what the explanation behind the non-response was and I would move on, but it would take much longer.

I'd prefer B.

As an aside, if a relationship is on its last legs I think that trying to provoke contact using a gift is a dreadful idea. Passive/aggressive.