New 'boyfriend' is married and has two children WWYD?

[MissNJE]

Hello,

I broke up nearly two months ago with my fiancée (He hid the fact that he was 280k in debt etc.) and although I thought it wouldnt happen so quickly I met somebody new a few weeks ago. Everything is great, however he never wants to meet me at the weekend as he says he is busy. But he told me yesterday that he is married with two children but they are separated and only live together for the children's sake. Just to explain: he has a flat in Central London and I assumed it was his 'bachelor' pad but at the weekend he lives with his family in Surrey.

I really like this guy but I am not sure if I should believe him. I wonder if I should ask him if I can speak to his wife. I feel slightly uncomfortable about the whole situation. If I was his wife I surely wouldn't want to spend the weekends with him while during the week he sleeps is with his new girlfriend.

WWYD?

Sorry for spelling but quickly tipping from iPad.

Agree with izzy, the meta-issue here is why you have such poor judgement in this area. You've mentioned two beaux around here, both are the most abject, howling tossers and yet you aren't sure what to do. Hmm, should I marry someone who's £280k in debt at the age of 22? Hmm, should I shag a bloke who's married with two kids?

If you were buying a car, you wouldn't go "right, I need something that's easy to park, won't break down, is cheap to insure and that the labradors and my shotguns will fit into at the weekend", and then buy the first £50 old banger you see because although it meets none of your needs, it's at least a car.

But that's what you do with men. You wouldn't sort a need as trivial as a car, a garden shed, a kitchen or a takeaway meal like that, so why are you applying zero standards to your love life?

Do all your mates settle for tossers as well, or something? Do you not have some sort of a mental checklist of the minimum you're looking for in a bloke?

If not can I suggest a list?

• affable
• solvent
• gregarious
• listener
• clean
• tidy
• hardworking
• courteous to your friends and family
• allows you your space

I've put nothing in there about looks, sexual technique, cooking ability or any nice to haves. So this is not an unreasonable list and rejecting someone for not ticking these boxes is not unreasonable either.

Your current list seems to a lot shorter viz

• is male
• likes money

which, with all due respect, is not going to whittle the field down much. I'm shuddering at what mental list these blokes must have, for you to be ticking all their boxes.

Snap out of it poppet. Everybody can do, and is entitled to expect, better than the riproaring wankers you've been settling for.

Really sorry to hear about the break up with your fiancee. It must have been devastating.

For now I would concnetrate not on what, why, how this guy is up to, but on answering the question you ask at 9.30 - "I wonder why it always happen to me".

Rushing into new relationships looking for validation and company from people who only wnat to meet their own needs might be one. The people who form the healthiest relationships don't rely on someone else to look after them, they know how to look after themselves. You've had a big shock, you are hurt and vulnerable - look after YOURSELF,build up your inner strength, independence and self belief, maybe getting some counselling if you think it might help?

If you spend any more time being this man's convenient week day entertainment your self esteem will just plummet further and you will fall for someone who will never ever out you first.

Go for it, and good luck!

If I read your Op correctly, you split up with your fiancee? two months ago, and met and got together with Mr wonderful a few weeks ago?! So how long were you single? 2 weeks?
Honestly, splitting up from someone you going to marry then moving on so quickly can never work surely?
Please give yourself some time on your own, when you are happy with yourself you will be so much more careful about who you let in.

shit apocolypto and blue put it so much better!

Oh, you do know how to pick them....

My friend spent 7 years of her life like that. Never had any weekends with him, as he always spent it with wife and kids in Surrey. He "could not divorce" her as it would devastate wife. He said he would kill himself if my friend broke up with him. Then it dawned on her that she was wasting her childbearing and most beautiful years on somebody who just wanted his cake and eat it and had no real desire to be with her, other than keep his bed warm weekdays.

Dont allow yourself to be somebody's ShagPile.

EuroShagmore

No, I'm certainly not. This isn't my first post on here.

izzyizin you are probably right, my best friend said to be many years ago that I will always struggle to find the right man. I guess she is right.

I am not serious about this relationship yet . I like him, but the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit. Spending time with him has made it a bit easier getting over my last relationship. It is still not easy.

Dont fall for him as "medicine" to get over the other scumbag! It is not going to be any easier!

That is a harsh breakdown there Apoca.

I think you are spot on, OP's criterea for a Man is correct.

I think the Men see in OP,

She has savings, which I can drain.
She is frugal, so won't use much of my money and gives me more of her money.
She is nice, so will want to avoid conflict.
She is nieve, so won't be on to me untill after I have shafted her.
She has low self esteem, so will put up with things others won't.

"but the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit." Just a little bit?

Acocalypto

All my friends are in happy, long-term relationships. I am jealous of that, because I thought that's why I had a couple of months ago. I hate being on my own and I feel like I fail in life because I am so rubbish at relationships.

Thanks for all your wise words and your advice. I am young and I make mistakes. Of course I think of his wife and children. Otherwise I would just continue with this relationship without asking for advice.

the whole wife and children thing is putting me off a little bit

TBH if you were in the right headspace it would be putting you off a damn sight more than that.

I'm also at your best friend's comment, and wondering if a slight lack of judgement applies to some of your other relationships as that doesn't sound like the sort of thing a loving and supportive BF would say.

There is no reason for you to struggle to find a decent man if you allow yourself some time to get your head straight, decide what you want out of life (with or without a man) and build up your self esteem a bit.

DumSpiroSpero

Just to explain in which situation she said it in. She studies Psychology and told each of our friends at the table what she thinks how their future will be. About me she said I will be successful in my career but I will always struggle with men.

I met my DH when I was 21 and all my friends were in LTR's.

We have had some wonderful times and have a beautiful DD together, but we have both changed radically over the years (me moreso as he is a few years older), and now have little in common, which to be completely honest makes things bloody hard work at times.

I know it can be a proper PITA when you are single and your friends aren't, but please try not to keep rushing from one dubious bloke to the next. I know how grown up 22 feels but you have such a lot of life ahead of you and growing up to do (I don't mean that to sound as patronising as it probably does but can't think of a better way to put it).

Finding a life-partner is not a race. Just because you reach the finish line first doesn't mean that you won't discover later that the shiny gold trophy is just plastic underneath.

Ok, so given the context she probably wasn't being wilfully unkind, but she's a psychology student, not a fortune teller, and you are in control of your own life.

Apoca's critique was crude but apposite.

I still think you should start loving your own self for a change and avoid dating till you've raised both your own relationship bar and boundaries a lot higher.

Why do you think your best friend said as she did?.

BTW what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I would appreciate an answer to that question.

You've gone from one low life chancer to yet another one in the space of just a few weeks. Your self esteem and worth has and will take a further battering at the hands of this person, why put yourself through yet more pain?. He is certainly not going to make you feel better in the long run. Do you at heart think you deserve no better?.

Even if he were telling the truth (which I doubt) do you really want to put your life on hold while he gets on with his family life? You won't ever have a family life with him and are just wasting your life.

You sound totally in the rebound and this is not going to end well.

Call him on it - if he's happy for you to go down to Surrey and meet his wife I will eat my hat!

Did someone say you are 22? You are so young and maybe putting too much pressure on yourself about relationships. I didn't meet the right person til i was 29 and i dated a fair few tossers before then i can tell you! I think it's no bad thing to find out who you are suited to by dating throughout your 20s. Don't rush into marriage and settling down. You may well find that your friends of the same age in their happy long term relationships will move on to other people later on. Think about what you really want and what would make you happy. I dated a few people who were highly strung and critical in my 20s but then realised i wanted someone who was easy going and kind and that is how i would describe my husband. Didn;t meet him til late 20s though

To be blunt, you don't need to be a psychology student to work out that someone who thinks her boyfriend's wife and kids are "a little bit" of a problem is going to have a problem with men.

It's like predicting that someone who sends their savings to a man in Nigeria is going to have problems with money.

I'm not sure I like your mates either

Even if he is telling the truth (unlikely), his situation sounds extremely complicated and you have only just come out of a long-term relationship yourself. Give yourself some space and enjoy being single.

In all honesty, if you really are keen on him, tell him to come back when his divorce is final and he has moved out and on.

You dont want this complication. He is not ready to start any relationship as long as he is already in one.

So is any man better than no man?

The only reason you will continue to struggle with men is if you continue to place so little value in yourself. There is NO reason to think you can't have a good helathy relationship with a good man. But step one os getting rid of the feelings that might tempt you into rushing into a relationship, any relationship.

"I hate being on my own and I feel like I fail in life because I am so rubbish at relationships." It's a self-perpetuating circle - you hate being alone, so you take the first up-for-it tosser of a man, the relationship fails, you feel even more alone and dejected and fall for an even worse tosser, and so it goes on.

The relationships are failing because of THEM, not because of YOU. If you didn't fall for these men before you know enough abot them, you wouldn't be in failing relationships and you wouldn't feel so desparate to get into anpother one.

The key to breaking the pattern is not being afraid of being alone.

Set yourself a target - you will refuse to have any relationship (including a date) with a man until you have had a great time getting to know one new girl friend, taken up one new activity that you enjoy, and been away for a day out or a weekend away with girlfriends and enjoyed your self, and achieved one thing that you feel really proud of yourself for.

OP - you are 22. Anything said to you 'many years ago' was simply teenage hypothesising.

I would go away and do some growing up, and then worry about a relationship.

Also, I cannot believe that this hasn't got you running a mile, WTF is wrong with you? Where is your self respect or your moral compass??

MissNJE

I am sorry to say that this man sounds very deceitful. My DH used to work in London with a man who did exactly this - spent the weekends in Surrey with wife and kids and spent week nights in London. He was having sex with women in London during the week but his wife thought that he was working hard etc and staying in London to avoid the commute. They were most certainly not separated and a younger woman in DH's team got involved with this man and was very upset about it. Don't let this happen to you anymore.

What your best friend said to you about struggling to find the right man is extremely unhelpful. Thinking like this will not help at all, it is much better to be positive and see yourself as a lovely and successful person who is a great catch. Don't waste yourself on a liar with a tonne of baggage. If he ends up marrying you, whilst you are at home looking after his baby, he will be out shagging in London as usual . Don't get caught in this trap. These men never change, infact the only reason they stop taking a mistress is because they get too old to bother, in which case, the latest young wife is stuck with them.