Christmas relationships (my batty mother)

[NoIdeaWhyTheNameChange]

I really need to talk this through

So, I am one of four siblings. All of my siblings live two hours drive away. I live two minutes drive from our lovely DM.

Sibling one has one adult child, who lives abroad, and needs to spend Christmas with her elderly MIL (sibling not keen on this, as would rather spend Christmas travelling in Morocco or Thailand than traditionally in UK with her MIL) DM could easily join her for Christmas (although sibling one may scream into a pillow on boxing day). Sibling one, partner and MIL have spend Christmas with DM in the past few years (year DF died), although it wouldn't have been their first choice of venue.

Sibling two, has two adult DC with an ex. Sibling two has a new partner who has several adult DC living in one town, but not near sibling two. Sibling two is very flexible and easy going, and will fit in with anybody anytime. DM did spend Chrismas with her a few years ago. Diffuculty knowing who's DC's turn it is to spend Christmas with which parent, or any parent as they now have thier own adult relationships).

Sibling three lives in a very small cottage (no room for guests), spouse is very close to their parents who live not too far from them (their only sibling lives abroad). Sibling three and spuse have a young child, and are due a new baby just before Christmas. Sibling three has spent every year since he met spouse with in laws, and previously chose to spend Christmas day alone, rather than with us (family).

So, last year was my "turn" to spend Christmas with DM, since she was widowed.(ie sibling one who admits they are selfish climed they couldn't cope with two nice but batty old dears, and sibling two wouldn't commit to anything, as they are soooo flexible) So, to give DM the hint, I told her we were spending Christmas day at our house (me, DH and 3 DC), my MIL and her DH were coming for lunch and she was VERY welcome. I also told her we were going to FIL's and his DW's for Boxing day lunch (basically Christmas day recreated).

Did she take the hint and come on over? No, she invited two Chinese students form a local uni to spend Christmas with her. Which would have been fine but MILs DH has mental health issues and couldn't have coped with having lunch with strangers (please, don't get me started, we've had years, when just having lunch with my parents was almost too much for him).

So, it was decided DM would entertain her guests and we would go over for traditional Christmas day tea, which she would lay on.

Fine, for one year.

But she has now invited three students to stay for Christmas this year.

SIL is due to have a baby anytime around Christmas. DM is hardly going to be able to leave her guests to go and visit her newest grandchild.

I have actually cried this evening at the thought of DM not wanting to see her new born grandchild, even if for half an hour ASAP. When sibling threes's first child was born, I drove up the motorway on the first available day I had childcare, and spend the day with sibling three (and newborn!) in special care. Sibling three thanked me for coming (sibling three not known for being gracious, but was obviously very grateful).

Why does DM feel like this?

Why would she chose unknown students over her children/grandchildren?

If one of my DC were expecting a child on the other side of the planet, I would sell my car to be able to fly over to be there, just to offer half an hours support/love.
DH says I just need to accept me and DM are very different.

Well done if you followed this.

I'm happy to clarify any unclear points.

Can I just add we all love DM dearly, and while she may annoy us over little things, it's her who apparently doesn't want to spend time with us, rather than us with her. We will have a big family get together will all the family between Christmas and new year.

I totally don't see the problem - aren;t you all doing what you want to for Xmas?

Oh, you make it sound so simple!!!!!!!

What we all really want is DM to sit at home knitting booties and baking mince pies, and blessing us with her presence to tell us how fabulous we are at cooking Christmas lunch.

But no, she chooses to spend Christmas with people she's never met before, rather than her DC.

I don't understand the problem either.

I have told my DC and step DC that they are never obliged to spend Christmas and birthdays with me. After years of us trying to please everyone, it's been delightful to spend Christmas day in our own home and not rushing here and there trying to please everyone.
I've told them it will always be lovely to see them, but if we don't then they are not to be surprised if DH and I bugger off somewhere together...or maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter...........or invite strangers in, who would otherwise have no one to spend Christmas with.

Everyone happy doing what they want to-sounds bliss!

You see so many threads here with peoples choices being taken away by parents demanding their pressence.
Why would you want to impose your choices on your DM? There are lots of other days she could see you/the baby etc.

(says me hoping my children never ask me to knit booties or bake mince pies)

Well I had this face -> X 10 when she said she was going to spend Christmas helping at a homeless shelter.

I know if I stamped my foot and cried she would drop everything for me and move in, and re-decorate, and do all my ironing over Christmas.

But she would sing loudly as she ironed, and fold everything the wrong way, and really piss me off.

I sound like a cow, don't I?

She has every right to invite whoever she wants for Xmas really...

Or do what she wants.

You do too, actually.

Well no - actually you don't sound like a cow - you sound like you want a different mother to the one you've got! But why is this particular Xmas any different - surely you've realised that without your father she doesn't want to be the old lady knitting booties in the corner.

I think it's impossible to understand how someone might feel when their life partner dies unless you've been through that yourself.

My own DF died 10 years ago, and my DM is still being very 'funny' about Christmas. In her case, she can't seem to 'settle' for any one arrangement, year on year. Every year we have the same convo...'What do you want to do this Christmas, Mum?' It's always a problem.

In a way, I wish she'd do what your DM seems to be doing, which is creating a whole new tradition for herself. It might not be what you would wish for your image of 'mummy/granny', but it's her choice.

As for the new baby, maybe she feels that seeing the new grandchild at Christmas would be too much for her, and would rather not deal with both those events together, since they may both be very painful for her to deal with on her own (without her DH there, I mean).

Hmmm...you lot are helping.

DF died just before Christmas....Dsis and her DP and MIL spend that Christmas with her, and we joined them.

The nest Christmas after DF died we all went away to a lovely large house she rented in the Lake District. DM paid for the entire thing. (Money not an issue for her, but very much for us)

She suggested we do it again the following year, but we declined, because we felt bad about her paying out for us to go away two years running.

I do wish we could all go away together, with us paying our fair share, but she has helped us out financially so much in the past few years with things we need, her paying for us all to go somewhere nice at Christmas seemed like a bit of a piss take.

I hate the fact that DM will be sitting not too far away having Christmas diner with people she's only just met (and loving it) while I will be struggling to make conversation with MIL, who will be bitching about SIL- a whole different thread, but DH is the only person to make contact with her. And I have told DH (who agreed with me) I am not going to spend Christmas day listening to Mil and her DH bitching about his Dsis (who has never been a nice person, and never will be, but someone has to reach out an olive branch occasionally). Finding common ground with my MIL is difficult, now their cat has died, we literally have nothing in common. - My lovely Dnephew this evening suggested I get out a board game. Board game and port. Bring it on!

"She suggested we do it again the following year, but we declined"

YEs I get that you feel awkward about her paying but in essence you had a nice xmas away with her one year which she obviously enjoyed to the extent that she suggested doing it again but you said no. Don't you think she might be just as hurt by your refusal as you are by her response to it - because her adoption of random strays seems to be a reaction to your refusal to have another Xmas away with her.

She has the money to take you all away for Xmas, you don't so you're going to punish her for her generosity by refusing to do it again?

Sorry I really don't understand your mindset. Would it feel totally unreasonable to pay for a holiday for your children one day when money is no problem? HOw would you feel if they said "sorry but I'd rather not go away and have a nice break with you than take your money. My pride is more important than how you feel"

I say well done your mum - she has found a way of enjoying Christmas. My PIL have international students staying with them and they all love it - nothing nicer than sampling traditional British culture for the students and nothing more gratifying than giving the students the experience.

You sound very unhappy about having your in-laws over, however. I think it's this that is actually getting you down. Are you ever so slightly jealous of your mum that she gets to have fun while you have to put up with PILs?

Well, I'm now very glad we aren't going away. I've been ill and am only just recovering, DH is ill and neither of us would be up for a 4 hour drive. (Last time DS2 had a sickness bug, and that was, um, interesting) DS1 made it clear he didn't want to go away for Christmas.

DM is now trying to take an interest in her grandchildren, which is...different, and has invited her friends over for Christmas as well as the students. She has also said it would be nice to see us at some point on Christmas day.

SIL hasn't had the baby yet (or if she has, hasn't told us!) but I think DM will make the effort to visit when the baby is born.