Husband lied about daytrip with a woman from work

[Leadingavocado]

We live abroad and my husband has some foreign travel. He had a trip and asked me if it was ok to go a day early over the weekend as he would have a daytrip with a male colleague out there and a couple of other people. When he got back I asked about the daytrip and could sense he was lying. I checked his Blackberry and saw an email from him to a woman he works with (she is based in the UK but comes to our country reasonably frequently). saying he would meet her in the lobby of the hotel onw the sunday morning for the daytrip.

I was very upset and he obviously straight away admitting lying, didn't have much choice. Said I had made a comment about this woman before (cannot remember if I had, but it would have been nothing that pointed). So he lied for. quiet life.

I have since been checking his Blackberry and his emails to her are friendly but nothing more than that.

He has a subsequent trip abroad and texted to say he had managed to get a day off to sightsee and I was convinced it was with her and was very cold when he got back. I found a receipt in his wallett of a meal one evening for two people. He denied it was with her but then I think changed his story as to the third person who came along and paid seperately.

He has another trip away next week and is back in the UK the week after. This woman will be there next week but there is no reason for him to meet her the following week in the UK.

I feel left with a lot of anger about this. The last 5 yrs have not been easy with two small children, overseas, no support. I have been very lonely at times and depressed.

We have spoken about it and I have told him what I consider acceptable and daytrips or dining with a female colleague alone, who you see on a regular basis is not acceptable.

I think he has forgotten about it and wants to put it behind him. I am the one left with the anger and suspicion.

the incident 10 yrs ago was silly in that we kept our relationship secret from work colleagues. It was silly to cover things up. I do not believe he would have gone into marriage lighthly, although I do remember he did not want to say til death do us part.

Day to day things are fine, we had a loely trip away together alone earlier in the yr and in october managed one night away and we are planning a trip in the spring(parents in law permittting).

i guess i have never quite shaken the feeling that i am not good enough, but I think some of that is my own low self esteem.

his mother is the perfet cook, homemaker, gardener etc and i wll be amazed if his father has been faithful ( husband once caught him in a clinch with a woman at a party when drunk, husband was aout 10 and mom was sat downstairs)

but now his parents are still married and quite content with one another.

i will never be the homemaker his mother is.

if i were working with a career of my own i think i would feel better about myself and would this would not loom so large for me.

I have ended up financially dependent on a man, something I swore i would never do.

I feel so angry thaht I get the squabbling, whining and stress of two small children every afternoon and when he is away and he gets to swan around with another woman.

he said that he had less respect for his father.

I am now listening to a screaming 3 yr old because she does not want to eat her tea but wants dessert, to which i have said no and i feel so angry with him

I need to do something to move forward.

I do believe the marriage is worth trying at.

I would mad about the lying but I would not mind my DH meeting up with colleagues while he was travelling. Unless there was some reason I knew I couldn't trust him. I lived abroad with my DH and DC and I did not think anything if my DH travelled or socialised with women. I used to feel sorry for my DH, he did not enjoy travelling and I knew he would prefer to be at home. If I had doubts about my DH's trustworthiness it would have been very difficult.
I would be worried about accusing him of having an affair, unless you have reason too. I would kick up a haute fuss about the lie though.
It is very sad that you can't trust yourDH to go for supper with a woman. He may be enjoying having a meal out with a collegue but I bet hope he would prefer to be at home with his wife and DC's.

Am I the only one not seeing a major problem with OP's husband? I think sitting at home with the children is eating your self-esteem. Just try to improve your own life with things you enjoy - work, perhaps?

Your MIL's experience should show you - and him - that being a stepford wife and superwoman combined, does not prevent a man's infidelity.

You're not really responding to suggestions or advice, so maybe you need to think about all of this and come back to it when you've got more uninterrupted time.

cp, I agree, when my DH goes away I don't track his every move and trust him to behave appropriately. I wouldn't mind him having dinner with a woman colleague. I went away on a course once with a male colleague as we were the only two people interested in the subject. I would have been pretty cross if DH had objected.

"he gets to swan around with another woman."

I can't work it out now. Was he actually unfaithful in the past or not?

If you don't like him travelling have you ever actually suggested that he gets a nice local 9-5 job instead? If you don't like being home with small children (and amen to that) have you looked at getting a job outside the home and going the child-care option? If you think he is 'swanning around' when working away are you really trying to find a way of controlling him? Restrict his freedom?

He said after we spoke following the last trip that people don't go looking outside the marriage if everything is ok at home.

The prevention myth - good people in happy marriages do have affairs. This is why being the perfect wife will not work.

We always say on here LISTEN to your instincts and sadly I think you are choosing to ignore yours at your peril

Avocado, just want you to know that I know how you feel! I have gone from being a woman with her own job, independent, to being a SAHM in South America with 2 little children.

And it was HARD.

The who balance in the relationship shifted.

I think the are a couple of issues, and maybe deal with them seperately.

My DH used to go out with this single female colleague, and he raved about how wonderful she was....

Telling him that, obiously I know he would never take it further, his wanting to spend 121 with ehr made me feel crap, that I felt very emotionally vulnerable.

I said that he can be friends with women, of course! If she is so great, invite her over for dinner so we can all be friends, after all I was lonely. She did come over once, she was nice ( bit distracted by massive plastix boobs in low cut top, but loads of women over there look like that) but somehow that friendship fizzled out. DH agreed with me that it was maybe inappropriate for a married man to go on non- work outings with a single female.

Anyway, I have no solutions but I know how you feel, it is a rotten feeling.

Could you get a part time job teaching English? ( that is what I did) or a language course? You need to get out of the house, and start rebuilding your own life, have some friends of your own, earn. Bit of cash of your own. Or write articles ( another thing I did) or start a new hobby. Anythng really, gte a part time nanny and get out! Being cooped up with the little ones n a foreign country leads to cbin fever

Xxx

Sorry for typos, really do not get on with effing ipad

On the contrary I think OP's instincts are sounding loud and clear. By the sound of it this has snowballed over time, from you making a huge effort to support your husband's career by relocating far from your support network of family and friends to five years' on feeling increasingly isolated and suffocated. He is no doubt enhancing his career and perhaps earning big bucks for the family's future so you feel both guilty at begrudging his escape hours spent working with additional trips away, establishing financial security, and resentful at being left in charge of childcare and domestic drudgery.

I'm guessing on some level he realised you'd be less than charmed to know he'd voluntarily gone for a jolly outing with a female colleague. I'm not a believer that men are like children, imo that lets them off a big fat hook. As adults we make knowing choices. He 'gave himself permission' to lie by omission, always a slippery slope.

Now you're checking his Blackberry and wondering whether he's crossed a line at any point since inappropriate communications 10 years' ago. I think you have hit a crossroads and how you react now is key. You can't police him 24/7 but you can make it clear you are not happy. Please talk face to face with DH don't bottle it up. Does he know you've been lonely and depressed? Frustrated at your distant memory of work, status? Please be honest and see how he responds so you can better see the lie of the land.

I have been on several work trips abroad with male colleagues. We have had dinners together, drinks, been out sightseeing etc. It was that or sit alone in our Hotel rooms. Travelling for work can be lonely and having a colleague to share dinner with makes it a little more bearable. I'd hate it if my colleagues wife's were suspicious over it.

Autumn - I agree BUT

OP's DH has been telling lies.

He has a history of inappropriate contact with women - and that was never really resolved properly.

No wonder OP is suspicious

Avocado I hear you. This is exactly what my H did, but unlike you I was unaware and so did nothing.

But, once I had become aware that something was wrong? It would have been too late, he had crossed the line and was addicted. He is also a selfish man and I had no idea how secretive.

Charbon's advice to you is the correct one. Get a hold of your rage (valid) and exhaustion, go online to Shirley Glass's website, and then have a chat to him when he comes back.

About windows and doors, about lying and secrets, and warn him what will happen if he choses to do this. That you will return instantly to the UK and that he will lose his family. That you will NOT tolerate being disrespected and reduced to a home appliance, and that he will have destroyed his family. If that is what he wants, to go for it but he must be aware he made a choice.

That if he is feeling angry and resentful you go to counselling together, because actually you are too.

How I wish I had done this, but I had no idea.

How isolated are you in this country? Can you get any home help?

PS a straight, firm, icy chat laying down what you will and will not tolerate, and what will happen as a result of any dishonesty. No crying, wailing, raging begging or pleading.

Abit : I agree . Could I ask, do you believe if you had known in your case and stePped in that you would have had a different outcome. Would you have forgiven the 'permission' your husband had given himself to embark on the slippery slope?

Autumn, that argument does not make sense here, as OP s dh took an EXTRA day away from his wife to allow for this trip, that is diffenen from making the best of it, as you do.

Also, going out with a group of guys is different from taking an extra day off to spend 121 with her, do you see the difference? He created a day to spend with her.

Everything cogito says.

Inappropriate texts at the very beginning of a relationship when the two of you were yourselves 'in the closet' about seeing each other is a long long way from 'a history of lying'

You've posted a couple of times commenting that he shouldn't be having dinner with lone women or socialising whilst on business trips. Sorry, but that is totally OTT. In jobs with lots of team travel you have to be part of the team or you would never get on in the role. And, speaking as a woman who has often been the only female in groups of 10 or more, I would have been furious if I'd just been left to sit by myself in a hotel room. I've also (when I ran the business for one continent) arranged day trips and tours for colleagues, and I wouldn't have thought twice about accompanying them if I fancied it.

That makes me wonder if you do get a bit unreasonably jealous? You quizzed him, then checked his blackberry, searched his wallet, and are now - 6 months on - still looking for evidence and now deleting work emails? And you checked his story with his work colleague? Sorry, but that sounds OTT. As does I have told him what I consider acceptable and daytrips or dining with a female colleague alone, who you see on a regular basis is not acceptable

There are two scenarios:

1. He is innocent and does this behind your back for a quiet life
2. He is acting inappropriately and embarking (or trying to embark) on an EA

TBH if I were him and had my DH laying down ground rules about how I conduct business trips I might consider that I had two options: carry on and be surreptitious about it all, or sit down and have an almighty big discussion regarding trust within the marriage. Changing my behaviours on work trips would not figure as one of the options I would ever consider.

As a regularly travelling lone female I have lost count of the times I have been stuck as Billy No Mates either sitting eating dinner on my own in a hotel restaurant or eating room service. Each time the person I was visiting has said 'I would have had dinner with you but couldnt because.......'. Once or twice I could understand but every damn time?

Not all travelling business women are single and on the pull. I have never met a single one in fact. Most of my colleagues were like me: middle aged with their own families at home.

Taking visiting colleagues out is a courtesy whether they are male or female especially when that visitor is on their own.

When there is a lot of travel involved in a role many people add an extra day to the trip to have time to relax or acclimatise. On the whole I tended not to as I wanted to keep the trip as short as possible but sometimes the extra days are in fact part of the overall trip and not going is a discourtesy to the host.

It is all a red herring - OP have you had counselling? Your unhappiness is palpable.

Basically everything that StillSquiffy said except that I have been that poor sod left in their hotel room.

I had assumed that the reason people didnt want to take me out was that they didnt want to be seen out with me but now I am wondering if the problems were domestic.

If we forget the business trip, it is clear that OP is very unhappy, feels very unloved and thinks that her H is a lying cheating tosser.
Now - the deep unhappiness is not being questioned.
The feeling unloved unappreciated and unattractive, can, I think, be accepted.
As to the H being a lying cheating tosser - well, he already seems to be doing very little about the first two points, and experience shows that it is a very good idea to trust your instincts on matters regarding tossers.
So, I, too, would very much recommend reading the book 'Not Just Friends'

HoleyGhost has it spot on I reckon.

OP's unhappiness, low self esteem, crying children, not being a good enough cook, and it's all DH's fault for being courteous and accompanying a colleague to dinner in a public room.